Family issues causing tension in relationship

[Onslow1964]

My mum and partner have been off and on during their relationship of 20 years. My husband has grown close to him but over Christmas, my mum & partner fell out after he said some terrible things to her, she’s a horrible person, he’ll get someone better etc which have not only angered her but also angered me. He pretty much ghosted my Mum which angered me even more until after a month when he sent an ultimatum via text message. I think my Mum has now reached a point where she has had enough & he is now contacting her saying he behaved in the wrong way etc. so it’s a bit of a limbo situation. They don’t live together.
He asked my husband over for a curry and pint last night & as I am still really angry and hurt by his disrespect towards my Mum and kinda took it out on my hubby, saying it’s awkward & in my head at the time I couldn’t see why he would want to. my hubby told him ‘it wouldn’t go down well’ with me and said he couldn’t this time. My husband is now really upset and making out like I’m telling him what to do and that we shouldn’t have got involved. I woke up this morning and said that I thought he should go (after speaking to mum who said she wasn’t even bothered, as I think that was my main worry). Now I look like I’m so controlling and I’m really not, family issues just really upset and affect me as I am fiercely protective of my Mum. I usually don’t get involved when they fall out but this time around it’s got to me. What do you guys think? I really don’t want my husband to resent me for this. We are already arguing over other issues in our relationship.

Well It's worded like you are talking about your mum and your partner rather than her and her own partner, but I think what you're saying is you've ended things with your own partner because your mum and her partner have a toxic relationship?

Sorry if it’s worded in a confusing way. My husband and I haven’t ended things, he’s just really upset that I’ve taken it out on him, with me saying it’s really awkward after how he’s treated my Mum. He’s told my mums partner he wouldn’t see him tonight because im upset and now my husband is giving me a hard time, saying I’m telling him what to do etc.
Ive realised and after speaking to my mum that it’s fine for him to see him and told him that, but now my husband isn’t talking to me and really angry because of it.

My husband is now really upset and making out like I’m telling him what to do and that we shouldn’t have got involved.
He was involved the moment he decided to go for a chummy curry & beer with the man who abused his MiL.

I really don’t want my husband to resent me for this.
You can't control whether he wants to act like a little bitch over this or not.
Stop referring to it, ignore any sulks, & stick by your mum.

You were a bit daft to backtrack & say he could go, really - but that's done now.

So your mum and her partner fell out.
Her partner and yours get on well and had planned beer and a curry.
You said he had to cancel this out of respect for your mum.
Mum and her partner made up.
You said 'now you can go'
Your partner pissed off with you?

He’s told my mums partner he wouldn’t see him tonight because im upset and now my husband is giving me a hard time, saying I’m telling him what to do etc.

It's a shame he needed this explaining to him by his wife, instead of working out that it's not a great idea to stay friends with a man who has been vile to his wife's mum.

I do have to agree that he’s probably acting like a bit of a little bitch and I definitely look stupid back tracking but that’s because I end up worrying what mums partner whose been awful thinks and that I look like I’m stirring the pot! What is wrong with me! I need to man up!

I agree, some of his choices/views at the minute including this one I feel are questionable. Just wanted to know if AIBU

There's nothing wrong with you OP!

You responded humanly, on the hoof, & weren't to know that your H was going to be so remarkably insensitive to the insult & upset given to your mum.

but that’s because I end up worrying what mums partner whose been awful thinks

You don't need to worry what the other little bitch in this scenario thinks.
He's shown you who he is.
It's up to your mum if she;s going to swallow that & continue seeing him, but as far as you're concerned - his cards are marked, & he gets no more than polite small talk from you. What he thinks of you is immaterial.

Thanks for your advice. My husband had a tendency to try and make me feel bad about various things and I feel like this might also be one of them. I am definitely not controlling & I’m not saying he can never meet up with him, just was caught a bit off guard. My husband says he hasn’t seen him since Christmas, but that’s down to my mums partner being disrespectful! Not me! I have taken mums partners behaviour personally as he has been in my life a lot of years and he thinks that is an appropriate way to go about ending things.

I know I'll probably be on my own saying this, but I don't see him going out with your mum's ex is that bad really. They had their own relationship and as long as they don't discuss your mum, I think it's OK for them to still talk to each other. It doesn't mean, or shouldn't mean, that he supports the partner over your mum.

Thing is, I feel bad for my projecting my frustrations on him and was worried about upsetting Mum. Had a chat with her and she said nothing to worry about. Explained this to my husband but he’s said I’m not happy about to Mums partner now and he won’t go because I basically told him he couldn’t - those words never left my mouth. I really can’t decide who’s being the unreasonable one here.

I don't think I'd use the word 'unreasonable' about you because you were thinking if your mum's feelings. And I don't think he was unreasonable to go for a drink.
But I do think that he's being unreasonable to drag it out now. He's just using it as a club to beat you. So unless you were particularly horrid to him when you said he shouldn't go and he's getting his own back with a hard-done-by, "no' you said I mustn't, so I won't", (something I do 😔 😄) , he should just let it go.
However, I'd bring the who hoo-haa to an end and say, "if you want to go, then I'm happy that you do so, but I'm going to leave the decision to you", and then just don't mention it again.

Like you said your mother has been on and off for years. People aren’t nice to each other before and during the off period. Chances are that they will be back on again soon.

Your husband will have seen and witnessed this and made up his own mind about your mum and her on/off boyfriend. Maybe it would be an opportune time to ask him how he feels about the pair of them and why he wants to friends with both.

You are danger of being the one who ends up with the fallout from this couples volatility. No one else is bothered by the fight they had. Not your mum or her boyfriend or your husband. When you all next get together who do think will be one feeling awkward.

So the only one bothered here is you? Your mum, her ex & your DH were all fine with the meet up but you’ve chosen to make an issue out of something that no one else cares about? And it’s something that didn’t even involve you?

I agree with your husband actually that you need to stay out of your mum’s relationship to be honest, if they’ve been on & off for 20 years, there’s a good chance they’ll get back together (even you describe their situation as limbo right now rather than over for good) so who do you think is going to be the one feeling awkward when he’s back in the fold? Yeah you.

he won’t go because I basically told him he couldn’t - those words never left my mouth

Oh come on OP, don’t be disingenuous; you might not have said the words but that’s exactly what you wanted, for him not to go & you know it. To say anything else, is gaslighting.