ExH is back and I'm spiralling (multiple trigger warnings)

[AndHarry]

I'll try to keep it short. ExH moved out 8 years ago, I divorced him and he moved a long way away. He was an abusive during and after our marriage. I had years of counselling to rebuild my mental health and had a non-molestation order for a year to stop him harassing me after our divorce.

We have two DC. He continued to see them every other weekend until his second marriage broke down a couple of years ago. Contact with the DC stopped, started, stopped and then was building back up to two days a month.

My life and the DC's life is happy. They are tweens and doing well at school, with friends and different hobbies. I remarried to a wonderful man who the DC adore and who deals with exH in terms of scheduling contact etc. ExH is practically our only source of stress. DD made disclosures at school about witnessing domestic violence during his second marriage, so we put private counselling in place and social services are involved in monitoring the contact arrangements between the DC and ExH. We don't have a named social worker but they contact us to check in every so often and they're happy with what we're doing to protect the DC.

ExH moved back to our town this year and it's been a nightmare. He turns up at every single one of the DC's activities, makes arrangements directly with the DC that conflict with prior arrangements, blames me when he then can't see them and tells them to keep secrets. He's told DH that he plans to move away again, so we know that this is only temporary and it's so unfair on the DC. He won't accept this at all and says he's supporting them and building his relationship with them 🤦‍♀️ He's done no actual parenting for the last 8 years, put the DC in a harmful environment and cut contact with them, hasn't had contact with his youngest DC from his second marriage for 2 years, but now considers himself the expert on what's best for the DC and wants to exercise what he sees as his rights as a father.

The last straw was this week when he turned up at something the DC weren't even participating in (think along the lines of me taking them to the theatre). I cracked once we got home, sent him a piece of my mind via text and cried myself to sleep while DH put the kids to bed.

I don't feel like I can keep my children safe from him. I can't cope mentally with him suddenly popping up all over the place. My house is the former marital home and DH and I have done so much work to make it a safe haven for us all. I can't even be in my bedroom now without having flashbacks to him raping me. I can't go out without looking over my shoulder. I have intrusive suicidal thoughts. That night, I was ready to rip the curtains off the rail, tear off the wallpaper and break apart the bedroom furniture for the tip. I only didn't because it would have scared the DC. I can't concentrate on work. I'm supposed to be WFH but am just sitting here feeling under siege in my own head, with the same feelings of despair I had when I was married to that monster.

WTAF do I do to keep myself and the DC safe?

WTAF do I do to keep myself and the DC safe?

Oh my dear OP.

The VERY FIRST thing you do is get yourself in (or back in) to therapy to deal with these debilitating flashbacks.
You need to focus on your own mental health before you are able to do anything else (put your own oxygen mask on first).

How about also getting back to social services for support & advice?

I suppose you can't stop him randomly turning up places, but ask your therapist to help you with techniques to distance yourself from the dismay & fear of him randomly being about. The idea would be to get to a place of "meh, the kids are old enough to know he's unreliable, DH & I know he's batshit, this is simply an annoying intrusion which will go away again soon."

Please don't think there is ANY judgement implied by saying you need help to get to this space, or any opinion that it's something that you 'ought' to be able to achieve. That cunt is a rapist, & how abusers like this continue to get access to children is fucking beyond me.

Pardon my anger OP.
Please get some support in place for yourself asap. I cannot stress enough that THIS is of primary importance. Your DC need a mum who has professionals around her at the moment, ensuring that she keeps up the excellent work of recovery.

Oh Op, I couldn’t read and run.

im so sorry you experienced all that. It’s entirely normal to be experiencing those thoughts and feelings and tne Pp is right in that counselling, if it’s available to you, would be helpful. Or failing that, a support group of some kind?

I don’t have much advice , hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come along but bloody well done on you Op, for getting on and trying to live your best life (with what sounds like a supportive and loving DH) after all that bastard put you through.

You’re a bloody warrior Op and you’ll get through this phase too.

Thanks. I've just called social services and explained the situation to the MASH team. Someone's going to give me a call back. I'm also waiting for a call back from the NCDV as they were brilliant at helping me with the NMO. I don't know whether I need one or if it's appropriate but hopefully they can help talk me through that. If I have to apply for an NMO to keep him from harassing me turning up at the DC's activities during the week then that will at least help them a bit. Not that they'll thank me for it, but it's just an impossible situation: they just see all the attention and don't understand why it's not an unmitigatedly good thing.

An NMO is an excellent & practical step.

The difficulty I see is that you say your tweets are lapping up the attention. So they are feeding him info such as you 'going to the theatre' in the hope that he comes too... I think there are some issues to be worked through there with the kids too.

If you can get a nmo then go for it. Hopefully it will encourage him to move away sooner rather than later!

Id start with saying that you have an arrangement for contact and he needs to stick to it.
Talk to your dcs and remind them that this is the agreement and they CANNOT agree on anything else wo going through you first - just like they would need to have your permission to go to a friend's house.

I am wondering if your dcs wouldn't benefit from some counselling too so they can learn to spot all those red flags (eg keeping secrets!) and learn that what could be taken as attention might well not be :( And how they should deal with that.

Id start with saying that you have an arrangement for contact and he needs to stick to it.

That might work with a reasonable person, it won;t work with a man whose express purpose in showing up randomly is to unsettle & scare his ex.

Even saying it to him gives him ammunition.
OP cannot prevent him from turning up in public spaces just by asking him not to.
Her best bet is not to respond, but quietly crack on with getting her NMO enforced.

This is true and it's really sad. DD was only 2 when he left and holds him on a pedestal. DS was older and doesn't have much time for him. They both had counselling last year but asked for it to stop. The counsellor's feedback was that DS has his dad's measure, but DD very much blames me for his absence and faults. He gave her a phone last year and gets his information from her. I'm scared of telling her anything because she'll feed it back to him and hold it against me. I want her to see me as a safe person and to talk to me, not withdraw because she thinks I'm keeping her dad away from her (which I am, but not for the reasons she thinks). She's only 10

I've had calls back. MASH have sent me to look at Coram, so I'll do some research over the weekend. We don't have a child arrangements order in place so at the moment there's nothing to stop him randomly turning up. The NCDV said that him turning up to everything absolutely is stalking and that they will support me in applying for an NMO if that's something I want to do. I'm dreading it TBH - the process last time was terrifying - but I'll have to bite the bullet and get on with it.

ExH has never stuck to any arrangements for the DC. He's always pushed the boundaries by not turning up, turning up late, bringing the DC home late, withholding key information... He says he's doing nothing wrong and I'm out of order.

I just realised we're going on two holidays this year that he needs to give permission for. Apparently if he refuses permission for a reasonable holiday then I can get a court's permission. Will cost me ££££ for a solicitor to sort it though.

This sounds really difficult and I think that you’re so brave to be tackling it.

The sense which I got from your posts is that at least part of the appeal for his behaviour is it’s likely effect on you.

So, a couple of things which you could consider would be not communicating shareable plans to the children. So, in the theatre example you don’t tell the children that you’re going to the theatre until it’s time to leave the house. Or you tell them it’s a surprise and don’t tell them where you’re going at all.

Making more plans outside your town. So in the theatre example if you had booked a London performance ex would have struggled to find the right theatre and time etc.

Ask dh and some of your friends to do clubs for the kids for a couple of weeks and see if his turning up reduces when you’re not there.

Plan some things for the next few weeks which aren’t in public spaces. Have people to yours, go to theirs.

Think about spaces where he can’t just turn up. Women only events with your daughter? Activities which have limited spaces booked in advance? Car safari park? Things you can’t book for alone like an escape room?

You absolutely shouldn’t have to do any of these things and his behaviour is completely unacceptable but those sort of changes might reduce his behaviour.

it won't cost you £££ for a solicitor to sort it.
Get a specific issue order from a court for the holidays this year which gives you permission to take them.
Form C100 and £215 at your local family court.
Then on the same application request a 'lives with' child arrangement order.
This then gives you ongoing permission to take the children abroad without seeking explicit permission from your ex for each trip. You have to inform him that you are taking them. 28 days max for each trip. For countries, this won't be enough as they have their own rules. South Africa is one.

I have had to do this a about 4 years ago,

That's really useful information. I'll take a look. Last time I went through it with a solicitor they were happy to do it but they charge £250-£350 an hour, so that's a lot when you consider paperwork prep and in-court representation. Obviously if I can do it myself without messing it up, that would be better.

The 10 year old doesn't need a phone. I'd allow her very limited access to it and make sure you check everything she sends... (our primary school is very much for this if they must have a phone at that age)

I'd add her phone to the harassment tbh...

Yes, he sneaked that in when I was out of the country on a business trip. I wasn't happy but she'd had it for a week when I got back and most of her friends have one. It's a bloody iPhone too and the parental control settings are a nightmare as I don't have one and can't link her account to mine as ExH controls it.

Just a warning - my friend had an app on her sons phone which if she was worried about him, could be accessed so she could actually hear everything near the child's phone, wherever he happened to be.

You will want your daughters phone checked to make sure he hasn't got anything like that on there.

In your situation I'd tell my children the truth. Then hopefully they'll decide not to see him anymore. I think 10 is old enough that she can say no and the court would listen. Also old enough to hear the truth. Albeit not all the gory details.

No way would I let my ten year old near a rapist.
I'd report him for stalking too.

That's very scary. I will check.

Yes, he's a rapist. I can't prove it though. I have no idea of dates, times, anything like that. It was normal for the last 3 years of our marriage. I told him that what he was doing was rape but he didn't care.

Why do you need his permission for holidays? How does he know about theatre trips etc? I'd be worried he's put spyware on the phone.

If your daughter has an iPhone she could be inadvertently sharing her location via the apple 'Find My' app.
He could then be tracking her movements and thats how he turns up unexpectedly at the same place you are
You can check in the Find My app and also stop sharing her location if it currently is.

PS, Of course the solicitors where happy to do the court stuff for you, thats how they earn their money. 🙂

It's a legal requirement to have permission from everyone with parental responsibility before taking children abroad. I've always taken a letter of permission signed by exH. Last year I got told off and questioned at the EU border for not having a photocopy of his passport so they could compare the signatures. I honestly thought they were going refuse us entry and put us on the return ferry.

He knows about the theatre trips and clubs because DD tells him. He's also managed to get himself made an assistant coach at DS's sports club so he knows all the dates, times and locations for that.

Yes, I turned that off last year. Creepy as.

Haven't you told the sports club he's he's rapist? Sorry op but it looks like you are making it all incredibly easy for him. Do you think parents would want their kids near him if they knew what he was capable of? Start speaking out. Find your fight. Infact, whars your husband doing about things? Sitting about with his thumb up his arse?

It seems like you've both just given up.

Do you think if you're nice to him he'll just roll over? Not gonna happen. You're letting him take the piss and then complaing about it. Your letting him in your child's life. You're shielding her from ñothing. It's her I feel sorry for.

Ok. What am I supposed to say? He raped me multiple times but I didn't formally report him to the police. I have no proof other than my own recollections and years' worth of counselling because he's clearly not going to confess to it.

What about a conversation with dd like
"I'm pleased you and your dad have had more time together recently but I need to talk to you about something.
Your dad and I didn't have a good relationship but that has nothing to do with you and your dad's relationships. Ds has decided he doesn't want to see him, and that's his choice. Just as it's your choice to see your dad.
When dad sorts out visits with me, that works well. But I don't want you telling your dad about our events ahead of time like the theatre.
Seeing him unexpectedly upsets me and that's not fair. I know you don't understand that but I'm going to have to ask that you respect that. I'll always let you see him when it's organised first but him popping up is not ok. '

Not sure if that would work.

You don't need proof. I understand that reporting this would be incredibly hard and it's unlikely to go to trial. But whilst i sympathise, i think if it was my kids I would want to do whatever I could to protect them from a man like that.

Perhaps if you go forwards with allegations (even if its domestic abuse allegations and not about the sexual assaults) may help you keep him away from your kids. Because he will abuse them too.

Also, if your daughter had a general idea of things, she could make an informed choice whether or not to keep seeing him. If not quite yet, then hopefully before she hits her teens. In trying to shelter her, you are doing her more damage. You are letting her think you and just don't get on. In truth, he's a monster.

Even if you don't want to report him, there àre other steps you can take. Move. Far away. Yes he will likely still get access but hopefully will see them less. If he moves to where you are, move again. Whatever it takes. But just, do something.