Struggling with Friendships

[PeonyRose80]

I really struggle keeping friends and not sure why. I am a good listener, happy to help out, generally kind and considerate.

But, I constantly feel used. I often am the person who texts or tries to rally the troops into meeting up.

I WFH and for a while I have invited people over for a cuppa or lunch but realised I don’t enjoy it, I prefer to go for a walk or meet in a cafe to get out the house. One friend who I used to invite went all weird when I stopped inviting her over. She lives 5 doors away and in the 4 years I have invited her to mine almost weekly, she has invited me out/to her house twice.

I thought if I stop the invites maybe she will invite me to hers (just out of my house would be nice).

This is a pattern, I make the effort- everyone is up for it, soon as I stop, silence.

Am I just weird? I have struggled since a kid with friendships, I find I just give up as it becomes either one sided or exhausting.

Any advice appreciated

Reason I posted is feeling quite lonely and sad about it. But is it because I work from home full time so put a lot of weight on friends perhaps….

I WFH and for a while I have invited people over for a cuppa or lunch but realised I don’t enjoy it, I prefer to go for a walk or meet in a cafe to get out the house. One friend who I used to invite went all weird when I stopped inviting her over. She lives 5 doors away and in the 4 years I have invited her to mine almost weekly, she has invited me out/to her house twice.

I thought if I stop the invites maybe she will invite me to hers (just out of my house would be nice).

I feel for you OP, but wonder if you put yourself out too much & hope for the same back, instead of just clearly stating your wishes?

A neighbour-friend of 4 years standing should be someone you know well enough to gently prod or tease about the non-returned invitations. "Haven;t been to yours for ages, come on mate, when are you having me over again?"
"Shall we ring the changes & meet at yours next time?" -
would have been more effective than sitting back & hoping.

From your friend's perspective, you have changed the pattern of your behaviour & she doesn't know why. She's not gone all weird, she thinks you are blanking her. She would have imagined you'd been happy being the predominant host all these years (becasue you never said otherwise!) - you can't expect her to read your mind when you just stopped asking her over.

If she;s a real friend, she;ll respond well if you just ask her over again.
If she;s a close friend, she'll understand if you want to tell her why your invites dried up, & that you are sorry not to have communicated better, but were feeling a bit slighted.

Here's some help with all that -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

I get where you are coming from, this happens to me too with some friends. I feel like I do all the running then if I don't contact/suggest something nothing happens.
I am single though so I know most of my friends are just busy with partners when/if they go out (we are all late 40s/50 so no one goes out that much) and I guess it's just less important to them to meet up with someone else, less important than it is to me.
I try not to take it personally and just carry on inviting friends for coffee/drinks/whatever because otherwise it's just me who loses out in the end.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

Really good advice and definitely something to think on - thank you. Will check out book too.

@Daffodils320
I have a DH and 2 kids, but this particular friend made some comments about my son which probably is why I am taking in personally.
I need to separate the two perhaps.
Feel like I have lost all my confidence and just can’t be arsed.

Know what you mean op. I stopped chasing it got tiring. I do more on my own now. Even cinema or drinks its like people are lazy/non comittal. Cant be arsed with it.

Hi! I think there’s nothing wrong with you, I think people are just generally self-absorbed. It doesn’t even make them bad people necessarily, it’s just the way of the world. You sound like a lovely and giving person and there’s no need to change that per se; you just need better boundaries with it.

Don’t make so much effort with people unless they’re the rare type of person that returns the favour. Other than that, be your own best friend! Cos if you can’t beat them, join them and put yourself first!

Difficult to know wats going on without understanding both sides, but some people just need less contact or have less time than others - could it be that you’re always the one reaching out just because you need them more? There’s no right/wrong with that - maybe you’re just not a good match in that respect? I’m conscious I don’t reach out to some of my friends as much as they do because they want to see me far more often than I have time for.

There’s really nothing wrong with finding people who are more in a rhythm with you or who take more of an equal load with arranging/hosting things - doesn’t need to be a big deal.

where it becomes a big deal is where you’re doing things you don’t really wholeheartedly want to do, or doing things you think you ‘should’ do, or where you’re expecting something from them in return without communicating that to them - that’s where resentment can creep in.

Do you have any "social" events that don't depend on you organising them? Eg regular club or hobby group? I found this helps with getting out of the house, some social contract without the awkwardness of feeling like you're imposing on people or wondering whether they will invite you back. It's a horrible feeling and I'm sorry you're feeling crap about it.

@curlykate99 I don’t and this is something I need to do. Unsure what though as feel lost in that regard too.

Why don't you tell them the truth: the equivalent of - "sometimes I feel like the friendship matters more to me than it does to you, or I'm overinvested. Sometimes it feels like I make all the effort and invite you over to my home and it's not reciprocated that much.."

What you got to lose?

@Oblomov23 you are absolutely right. I don’t even get friendly hi texts, this is most of my friends btw, not to single out neighbour friend. Although she will happily take my daughters outgrown clothes, and ask for lifts etc.

@Feliciacat thank you! I think I needed to hear that - oddly like I have permission to put myself first.

I think as a parent for 20 years and my smallest now leaving primary, I have a full on job but also not needed by the kids. I kinda need to get a life I think!

I meant not needed by the kids in the same intense way (I hope they always need me a little bit)!

I know where you are coming from. I also find that people are happy to tell me all their woes and have a good moan, but when I want to tell them something about how I feel or something that I’ve got going on, they don’t want to know and they are dismissive.