Mentally ill boyfriend with cancer

[branningfan]

Hi everyone,
I have been reading a few threads on here and I find some of the advice given to be really helpful, so thought I would give it a go for my own situation.* *I'll try and keep this as short as I can...
My mum died of cancer two years ago. I was supported through this by my boyfriend and of course, while it was awful, things are better now and I have been able to learn how to enjoy life again. Boyfriend and I don't live together (we have been together for four years now. I live about an hour away but spend weekends at his place). I have previously had therapy for depression and EUPD traits. I take sertraline for this.

My boyfriend also has mental health issues and these have been getting much worse over time. He has told me he wants to die, is often angry, has had several jobs over the last few years and something always seems to go wrong. I have tried to get him to access help for his suicidal thoughts but he refuses to engage and has also stopped taking his own anti-depressants. I've called crisis teams etc in the past. His parents offered to pay for him to see a counsellor as the waiting list is so long, he said no. When he had a biopsy a few weeks ago, he told his parents and I that he secretly hoped it was cancer so he has a 'get out of jail free card'. I was thinking about asking for a break in our relationship as obviously I was furious about this, but he has now been diagnosed with mouth cancer.
The good news is that it hasn't spread and he will be having surgery to treat it. However, his mum told me when the consultant told him it's treatable he seemed quite subdued and not really relieved.
There has been lots of other stuff too. Friends have told me to leave him but I don't feel able to leave someone with cancer. I still love him, and we used to have a great relationship, but I've realised that I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I have spent months now being scared that he will kill himself. Some of the things he has said to me have been really strange and alarming. He thinks he might be autistic and it would explain a lot (I work with austistic people). I have tried to explain to him being autistic isn't a bad thing but nothing I say registers with him.
Thanks for reading this and I would appreciate any replies.

Gosh this sounds really difficult especially as your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to work on his mental health or seek any support with it and now the cancer diagnosis.

I know it's easy for an outsider to say but you don't owe him a relationship. You can't stay with him just through fear he will kill himself....it's up to him to take responsibility for his mental health. If he were to do it that wouldn't fall on you. You have a right to be happy and if your boyfriend isn't willing to engage with Services to improve his wellbeing there's little you can do.

Personally I would tell him you're sorry for what he's going through but you're not getting anything out of the relationship and want to end it. He will probably kick and scream and guilt trip you but he's an adult and needs to take some responsibility, if he can't that's on him. Don't feel trapped.

OP don't stay with someone who brings you down like this. It doesn't mean you can't be friends and support him from the outside as friends if you want to. But don't stay with him because you feel sorry for him. (I did similar years ago and wish I hadn't). You may need some therapy for yourself to get strong enough to leave him.

Obviously him getting cancer is awful but for your own MH and headspace please don't stay with him. Go live your life, get well and be happy!

As the PP says you don't owe him anything. He sounds like a massive drag to be around, not least because he won't help himself. Don't waste your life. But you can walk away sensitively if you need to, with kindness. If he really cares about you he won't want to bring you down with him and will respect your right to walk away from his misery.

Have you been to any of these appointments, are you sure he is being truthful about the diagnosis?

Sorry, didn't read properly

That's a really difficult situation to be in. It would be quite normal to want to wait for things to get a bit better before ending things, but it's easy to watch many years slip away waiting for that to happen.

It sounds like this relationship is not healthy for you. Naturally people who have depression gravitate towards each other, but what happens when one person gets better and starts managing their depression? It no longer works, and the person who's still depressed just keeps the other person down. It's not selfish to put yourself and your own mental wellbeing first. It really sounds like this relationship has run it's course.

Please don't feel guilty if you do decide to end things. Every human being is ultimately responsible for themselves.

Thanks for the very kind replies. We are both 33, not financially involved with each other, no children (neither of us want them). It's just such a shame as I have never felt like this about anyone else. I don't want him to think I am abandoning him because he has cancer. I find his behaviour very confusing - why doesn't he want to get better? I bought him some vitamins to start taking and offered to go to the gym with him etc but he said he doesn't see the point.

Unfortunately severe depression can be a d0wnward spiral. It takes over the mind and prevents the person from having any energy or inclination to beat it. That's the nature of depression and it takes a huge amount of determination to overcome the negativity enough to seek help.

There's sadly nothing you can do unless your boyfriend is willing to change. In the grip of depression he literally does feel there's no point and the chances are he needs therapy to change his perception, but if he won't go there's nothing you can do. You need to decide what you want to do going forward based on that knowledge.

How much do you know about his cancer?

Because mouth cancer age 33 which can be entirely cured by surgery is pretty rare.

Either he doesn't have cancer at all or he has something that isn't worth all this drama.

It's reminding me of someone I saw in a psychiatric unit many many years ago who was depressed, his girlfriend had dumped him and he was telling everyone he was dying of cancer. I clarified he was very much not dying of cancer and the psychiatrist remarked 'it's one thing to think you've be dumped because of cancer and another to realise you were dumped because of your personality'

I think you know you need to move on.

Cannot believe how many times this is said:

WOMEN ARE NOT REHABS FOR MEN

Another male who sounds like a project. He won't help himself and is dragging you down. Sorry to be harsh, but the cancer is a red herring here. He needs to want to get better for himself.

This. And this again.

I have to agree with WOMEN ARE NOT REHABS FOR MEN.

From what you have told us you have tired hard to make this relationship work. He meanwhile refuses to listen to the advice he has been given. He won't take anti depressants either. He told you that he has cancer. Is he saying this to keep you around and to keep giving him support?

I like to tell you my friends story from a few years ago. My friend is a decent, loyal and kind woman. She was in a relationship with this man for a while. She was supportive when he had family issues, job issues ect. She also knew that he wanted to have a family.
My friend knew that they were both overweight. She said to him one day we both need to do something about our weight because otherwise we will end up with health issues.
She started to make changes. Meanwhile he had just no interest in making any changes.

He then decided to end things with her. Along with this he told her all the things that were wrong with her.

He went on to meet another woman. This lady was pregnant within 12 months of meeting him. They had a child and are living together.

My friend met someone that knows him recently. She asked this person about him.
My friend found out that he never did anything about his weight. He now is a type 2 diabetic, has high blood pressure and sleep apnoea. He has been in hospital several times over the past few years due to his health issues. Meanwhile he has a young child and his partner earns far less than him.

My friend told me she was glad that they did not end up together. She said I offered him a lot of support in the past. I tried to help him but he refused to help himself and now he has a lot of problems.

After seeing what my friend went through I would tell you that its not your job to stay with your boyfriend. You offered him support but he refuses to help himself.

Along with this he is quite happy to lean on you but what happens if you hit a bad patch or need some support?

Relationships are about give and take and at the moment your doing all the giving. The truth is that you have realised what he is like and you want someone better long term. It time for you to end things with him and move on with your own life.

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the replies. I promise I am taking all of the advice on board.

Sorry it's taken a while for me to post again, I've ended up getting COVID and it's knocked me on my arse.

It is true about the cancer. I have seen letters, spoken to his mum etc. Luckily it hasn't spread, but it's a big operation and a long recovery time.

When I went round to his last weekend, he showed me all of the info he has been given by Macmillan, the hospital etc. He told me all about the op and treatment and I said to him "Oh - are you having the treatment then?"

He said "Of course, why?" and I said to him (verbatim) -

"Well, you told me and your parents you wanted it to be cancer and you want to die."

His face was a picture. I told him when he said that to me I nearly left him and he needs to stop unloading onto me about being depressed and wanting to die cos I don't want to hear it unless he's going to help himself.

I asked him if he understood why I was saying this and why I was pissed off, he said he does.

He took it well and seems to have a much better attitude at the minute.

I realise this isn't a solution to my initial post, but I feel better for having made things clear to him (even though I feel a bit of a bastard for having a pop at him when he's going through this).

Any thoughts? Did I handle this badly?

Thanks again.

I think you handled it with honesty, and with clear boundaries. It's not kicking him when he's down, it's just you, putting your thoughts across in a reasonable way - there's no malice there, no intention to hurt him.

As a PP said, the cancer is a red herring in this situation. I don't doubt for a moment it's real (and treatable), but it's not relevant to whether you want to be in a relationship with him.

You can still offer caring and friendship and not be romantically involved.

It's not your job to be his support human, his nurse, his counsellor, his sponsor, his emotional punching bag, or anything else.