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Relationships
Texts to husband
PEEDOFFFACE · 17/03/2023 03:32
I trust my husband however I'm really peeved that his work colleague friend sent him texts saying she keeps randomly wanting to hug him because he's so hugable.
She also texted to say he's looking gorgeous in his suit . She is married tho be it unhappily. I understand harmless flirting but feel this is a bit much. Is that normal behaviour?!? I've not met her and can't work out if I'm just being crazy and paranoid.
I think it doesn't help at his previous job there was a weirdo that kept emailing him after work saying she couldn't stop thinking about him( he showed me the email) and she only stopped when he reported it. And she bumped into me in the street when I was with him, was really nice and I thought I had misjudged her, but then she went back to the office and said" wasn't it awkward meeting your wife"
Am I a crazy needy person. Heelllppp
CatMattress · 17/03/2023 03:43
Nope. That's beyond what I'd find acceptable from a work colleague. How does he feel about these messages?
Personally I find them bordering on the 'reportable to HR' side of things...
PEEDOFFFACE · 17/03/2023 03:47
He doesn't know I've seen them.. I don't normally snop but he's always on his phone and I'm always working.I think he sees her at a mate - he's met up with her with the kids and her husband, and he wants us all to meet up together. I can't bring it up because I shouldn't have snooped. They are going on a work do thing soon( with other colleagues) and all staying in a hotel and it's making me feel quite bleurgh
Fraaahnces · 17/03/2023 04:18
I think he should let her know it’s inappropriate. That shows that he respects you when he’s at work as well as in front of your face.
rcat74 · 17/03/2023 04:23
Hi OP that is not normal or appropriate behaviour and it needs nipping in the bud right now. It’s disrespectful to you for a start.
Zanatdy · 17/03/2023 06:21
That’s totally unacceptable behaviour from a work colleague. What does he say back to her, that’s what would be important to me
letthatmango · 17/03/2023 06:26
My concern is that you only know about this because you snooped and he is not shutting this down.
He is the gatekeeper of your marriage and he should be making it clear that these texts are entirely inappropriate.
I’d have that conversation with him and be honest about the snooping, there is a reason you went looking and you found something.
Puppers · 17/03/2023 06:42
I’d come clean about the snooping. It’s not great but it’s not so terrible either. It would be different if you were routinely checking his devices, invading his privacy, trying to control who he speaks to etc, but it sounds like a one-off and not something that defines your relationship or the way you behave in your marriage. However, you obviously did it for a reason and lo and behold you found something fishy.
I’d ‘fess up. Tell him that you noticed he has been more attached to his phone than usual and you had a moment of madness and snooped. I would apologise for that, and tell him that you realise that you should have just spoken to him about your concerns. But I wouldn’t allow the entire conversation to become about your snooping. He does need to recognise that he’s playing with fire by indulging in friendships with women who flirt and send inappropriate messages. I’d want to know why he was allowing that and wasn’t shutting it down and finding it disrespectful to you and to his marriage? Knowing my husband’s nature and temperament, if he had an angry outburst about the snooping and wouldn’t discuss the messages it would be a HUGE red flag and I’d know that something was up.
He’s your husband. You should be able to have a frank conversation.
Navigatingthroughlife · 17/03/2023 06:44
VioletPickles · 17/03/2023 06:28
How does he respond to the messages?
This!! This is by far the most important part. But agree with other posters this is most definitely not acceptable. How would he feel if a male colleague was texting you that
Inkpotlover · 17/03/2023 06:52
I'm loathed to fan the flames of suspicion, but this is now the second woman in his workplace to send him inappropriate texts, so I'd be wondering as well if he's doing anything to encourage such behaviour.
Aside from that, I wouldn't admit that I'd been snooping because I'd hate anyone doing that to me, but I might mention the previous woman in passing, saying it's good on reflection that he nipped that behaviour in the bud because he was opening himself up to workplace harassment allegations if he hadn't been able to prove it wasn't the other way round. Very, very pointedly say 'you had a very near miss' then hopefully he'll realise he needs to stop this one texting him too.
PEEDOFFFACE · 17/03/2023 07:03
He sort of laughs them off? I'm a bit pissed off he didn't tell me. I would tell him if someone from work messaged me that. I'm not worried about him having her number, I've made friends at my work and we texted but we don't say things like that.
Navigatingthroughlife · 17/03/2023 07:06
PEEDOFFFACE · 17/03/2023 07:03
He sort of laughs them off? I'm a bit pissed off he didn't tell me. I would tell him if someone from work messaged me that. I'm not worried about him having her number, I've made friends at my work and we texted but we don't say things like that.
See that would annoy me. The fact he laughs them off could show that he’s feeling awkward and doesn’t know how to say ‘that’s inappropriate’ which to be fair I’m sure a lot of people would do as they have to work with that person. The only advice I can offer is reverse the roles in your head and think about how would you want him to deal with it, then do that?
LYDIAtyto · 17/03/2023 09:37
Bang out of order!I would go mental!I would message her and tell her to do one!I would also send her a teddy bear in to work with a note "If you want to cuddle something cuddle this AND NOT MY HUSBAND!!!!!!
LYDIAtyto · 17/03/2023 09:40
And you're not crazy,You have trusted your husband and I think he is taking advantage of this.
SimoneSimone · 17/03/2023 10:17
Just ask him if he has been having anymore issues at work with the ladies since the last time. See his response and take it from there.
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 17/03/2023 12:26
Sending hugs OP I've had this crap before. That is clearly crossing lines, she knows he is married, she needs to back off , but and a big but, your husband needs to nip it in the bud now. Cuts her off or tells her straight.
You could say you noticed a message pop up on his notifications from her (you know when they pop up along the top ) when you were near his phone, saying he was gorgeous so you had to look,
AubadeIsIt · 17/03/2023 13:46
And this situation needs to be fixed before they go on that work trip--she's probably already planning how she's going to try it on with him.
Whatnow10 · 17/03/2023 20:48
Your poor husband, all these women throwing themselves at him.
Neveragain85 · 17/03/2023 21:34
Sorry but I'm always wary of reports of women acting unhinged around a man...could it be the man creating this situation? Reacting to his behaviour? Seems to be a pattern... I'd be wary of being triangulated with them
HoboSexualOnslow · 17/03/2023 21:46
Have you posted about this before? The huggable comment is very familiar
MsDogLady · 17/03/2023 22:09
@PEEDOFFFACE, I see that your identical thread in AIBU is up to 6 pages.
In your shoes, I’d tackle this and confront your H asap. He and this OW are both flirting, and you need to assert a very strong boundary in no uncertain terms before this hotel event.
OW fancies H and is pursuing him. Instead of drawing an iron-clad line, he actually joined in. I think they’ve developed a flirtatious dynamic at work which includes the emotional element of confiding and the physical element of hugging. They’ve clearly ramped up to private messaging. This illicit intimacy and validation can be an intoxicating slippery slope that escalates to an EA/PA. An affair can be easily conducted by colleagues before/after work, and during lunch, sneaky days off, and work nights out.
OW is looking to present an tempting opportunity at the upcoming event. H’s failure to shut her down, and his decision to reciprocate, suggest porous boundaries. He has form for this. I don’t think you ever had the full story of the previous episode.
@PEEDOFFFACE, action is necessary, despite your snooping. Perhaps you’ve had concerns since the ‘how awkward meeting your Wife’ comment or something has seemed off to you. H has certainly blocked transparency this time. I think snooping is the lesser issue when compared to the inappropriate content of these messages, which must be addressed.
You’d be very unwise to underreact to this with passivity.
MsDogLady · 17/03/2023 22:13
Correction: … a tempting opportunity at the upcoming event.
PEEDOFFFACE · 18/03/2023 10:08
Hello yes I posted it in AIBU at like 3 in the morning then thought relationships was probably a better fit
PEEDOFFFACE · 18/03/2023 15:04
Ok so update. I told him last night. He couldn't remember the messages. When we looked back he did text her say to her that is weird that she called him gorgeous. He said she's like that with everyone and that's just how she is and he normally tells me. Thinking back he did tell me before she was always smelling him saying he smells nice, and in a meeting brought up how she loved his shirt. He said he always refuses to hug her when she asks. I did point out that if he was doing it to a woman, asking for hugs, texting to tell them they look gorgeous etc they could have him for sexual harassment. He wants us to meet because she's his friend and he thinks if I meet her I will see she's just like that with everyone. However he also told me previously people at work complained about her flirting with them which she denies she does. I did say that he must like it because he doesn't really shut her down. The huggable thing was then he was out tipsy ( not with her). I feel a bit better bringing it up and he seemed to have nothing to hide but I really don't like her... She also told him she wants to organise his birthday next year ( it's his 30th). Um no??? Organise your own husbands party thanks. Ughhh
Ghostbuster2639 · 18/03/2023 15:59
He wants us to meet because she's his friend and he thinks if I meet her I will see she's just like that with everyone.
So because she has no boundaries and does it to everyone it’s ok? Why does he want to be friends with someone like this? Why does he think that you would want to be friends with someone who’s inappropriate and flirtatious?
It sounds like he’s what is known as affair ready. No one is that gullible and stupid.
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