Why is everything worse when

[Unhelpful]

Please someone tell me you can understand or explain this phenomena.

Me and three young kids at home, all fine. DH gets home and suddenly everything becomes very…difficult. He is helpful and everything. But everything just feels so much harder.

Bedtime is easier when I do it by myself. Getting out of the house is easier when I do it by myself. Almost any kind of child-related task is easier when I’m alone.

You would think that having 2 adults around would help. Why doesn’t it?!

Depends. In what ways are things more difficult? Give examples.

Its definitely trickier for us when both parents are home.

Not exactly the same situation as we have only one child (aged 3). Because GF works shifts, i'm often doing bedtimes on my own and its sooooo much easier. In my case its because we have a routine and I stick to it. GF doesn't do routines, which is fine in principle, but it means everything takes a lot longer, and there's much more resistance/tantrums.

I don't think you'll like my answer, but I was blown away when I got divorced, just so so much happier on my own with my girls.
Take doing the dishes. When I was with ex doing them I'd be banging about, it was probably his turn, bitter, negative, resentful; nowadays, same job, and I sing a happy tune. So, in answer to your question, my experience of this same feeling was because I didn't even like him any more, let alone love him. Took me years ti realise it.

There may well be something in this....I get the feeling that our daughter, even though only 3, can read the mood much better than we think and tends to play up/down accordingly. GF is often grumpy (probably from the shift work and the disturbed sleep patterns that come with that) and I have a feeling this sometimes rubs off.

It does I think @TheWhalrus
I think my girls think they're hard done by because their parents aren't together and that's the coveted family; but what they don't realise is there is a light happiness permanently in our house, we go to friends houses where the adults aren't happy and the negativity is almost tangible. I'm not sure my girls realise it yet, but they're growing up happy and confident, and I suspect it's due in large part to no tension in the house.

@arethereanyleftatall Worryingly I think you are right.

Things haven't been good between us for a long time. We are very nice to eachother but there is a heaviness that descends.

He tries so hard to be useful so I couldn't understand it.

I find myself wishing I was alone with them.

This is interesting.

Our relationship certainly hasn't been the same since we had children and when our daughter is away it seems to improve dramatically. For us the heaviness lifts, although it can take a day or two sometimes.

TBH I think the main problem for us is that we're both really tired a lot of the time and this tends to make us grumpy. I wouldn't rather it was just DD and I but it is easier that way sometimes. GF theoretically works only 80% time, but is a doctor so that can still mean up to 60 hours per week (including on call overnight shifts). I work a standard week, but i'm still tired a lot.

Sometimes kids start acting up when the other parent arrives home and they haven't seen them all day. Essentially they're a new source of fun and entertainment.

One set of rules s, no compromising, no asking for something to be done and it not being so no resentment. Hard yes as you are a one woman band but so much simpler...

Hello OP, I am so very sorry but I will have to chime in with @arethereanyleftatall . I have been with my now ex for over 25 years and I remember times when I was glad that he is home and he enjoyed being around us much more. However in the last ten years or so things have changed. When I cook or clean I truly enjoy it, enjoy picking my kids up and dropping them off. My ex was always complaining when he was doing something for the family as if he was doing it for the next door neighbor. When I hear the key in the door when he is coming home I would feel dread in my tummy, and please understand he was not yelling or screaming or beating us up, it was just the grumpiness and skulking and eye rolling. Always after the kids, to pick up their things, empty the dishwasher, complaining, complaining, he was driving me crazy and the kids too.

Nowadays it is all so serene. I do mostly everything in the house, although my kids are grown up, but I do not mind it. I am happy cooking for them, I usually sing and dance in the kitchen. I am so happy when they eat my food and share their day with me. I do what i want and when I want it and do not have to listen to anyone criticizing me and complaining all day long.

Not saying you should leave your husband, not at all. Good luck OP!

I feel like this but my OH is brilliant and does so much to help me. We have 3 small kids. Still, everything is smoother and easier when I'm on my own. Its weird. I just put it down that im more focused when I'm alone