Am I being taken for a fool?

[imjuo]

I had to leave my long term partner when I was pregnant. It was not an easy decision but he needed to address some personal issues as he couldn’t cope with the pregnancy (despite telling me he desperately wanted a child). He didn’t attend the birth which devastated me. I then contacted him and asked if he wanted to see his little girl and he didn’t reply. She’s now 5 months and i randomly received a maintenance payment (not via cms, he had taken it upon himself to calculate the amount and pay it). I text him to say thank you and he replied saying he hoped the amount was ok and to let me know if not and he asked after our daughter. I responded to say she was fine and that he could see her whenever he wanted. He replied saying ‘thanks, let’s keep in touch.’ I am so so angry that he abandoned all sense of responsibility and left me to give birth and look after our child all alone and I have no interest at all in keeping in touch with him unless it’s for him to spend time with her. I showed this message to a close friend and she said he’s either more emotionally messed up than I realised and he’s panicking or he’s just very arrogant and disgraceful for not putting dd first. She thinks I should tell him that and put him in his place as he’s taking me for a fool.

What im finding hard is how to approach this as DD grows. I want to believe he’s a decent man at heart who struggling but my friend is right isn’t she? It’s the lowest of the low to not meet dd and respond to my suggestion of meeting, especially after I’ve had to rise above bringing her up alone because he can’t address his problems. I want him entirely cut out of my life if he isn’t planing on seeing her but it seems he won’t be clear. Is it time for me to cut him off/give an ultimatum?

Genuinely what would issuing an ultimatum achieve? If he disappears off to never reappear would that give you peace? Would it be ok for your daughter? He has recognised he needs to do something hence the maintenance payment. Listen I think it’s appalling that he has just abdicated complete responsibility and I get the desire to just tell him to disappear, but in the end, I’m not sure that it’s the right thing to do.

@LeroyJenkinssss thanks. I guess I feel really insulted he thinks ‘Thanks for the offer, let’s keep in touch’ is appropriate. It’s beyond me why he isn’t taking it seriously that he has a child.

But I hear you. It would achieve nothing. Perhaps I just assume he’s no interest now and draw a line myself with no further contact with him.

Claim cms. Your daughter deserves that money

I’d say the contact from him is a result of other people being horrified at him abandoning his child so he is doing the minimum. Sadly society will usually accept this minimum as being evidence of “a great dad” so he probably feels he is off the hook.

I would send him a message saying you have claimed CMS and would like to set up regular consistent contact as that is in the best interest of your child. Can he propose appropriate times and days.

Then expect to never hear from him again. See a therapist. Join gingerbread - the group for loan parents. Focus on finding your own support from friends and family.

He has no interest. It is what it is. All you can do is try and live your best life.

The ball is in his court, it would be radio silence from me if I was in your shoes.

You have every right to be angry but you will only upset yourself. You really don't want to make yourself more upset and angry because it's horrible feeling that way.

He is though a massive arse, I'm sorry he turned out to be so useless.

Lone parents. Not loan parents. Aaargh

Obviously consider contacting CMS too.

I totally understand the desire to lay out what a crap person he is especially when you look at your beautiful dd and think how could anyone abandon her let alone her father, but at the end of the day, he’s not going to turn into a reasonable human being, so I’d just leave him to it.

but I would go to CMS (unless he’s self employed in which case I’d wait and see if he’s consistent)

what I said to my child when I was in your position 25 years ago, when my son was around 3, was that some dads are ready, and some are not.

You will not achieve anything by telling him your thoughts. Nothing at all.
Its not your job to raise an adult man who decides this is the best option for him. Not your job to advise him, update him or generally include him. That is on him to do. He knows how to contact you, he has shown that.

I know you get angry when you look at your wonderful little one and you cannot fathom why someone is capable of this. My son is 25 soon and its been tough raising him on my own but wow I did a grand job of it. So will you as it sounds like you got DD back. She will ask you all the toughest questions in the world but its up to you how you answer them. As my son grew older he asked about his dad who has never seen him but really wanted a son, wanted me forever and jara jara, only for me to end up giving birth alone then finding out the tosser of a dad had pregnated another woman who gave birth to their daughter a month before my son was born, classic EastEnders style.

So, bottom line is you are not being taken for a mug, you are awesome. You will be tired and feel like screaming because its so unfair how some men just skip into the sunset without a care, leaving us with the responsibilities, so not your job to raise the man, tell him or try and reach out to him, no need. If he wants to see his DD then you have told him that is available to him, and leave it there, be awesome get maintenance.

Something has happened to make him decide to send you money for his child.

Call me cynical, but I imagine its not to down to wanting to be in her life. he has probably met someone who he has told about the baby or has found out he has a baby and is either horrified he not paying or he has told her he is when she asked, and probably you won't let him see her. So hes sent a payment to not look like the bad guy. If he wanted to meet her he would ask you. He hasn't.

He is trying to look like a better person than he is to someone else.
Accept the money, until he stops sending it. And when it stops, go via cms.

I think its best that you do what you've done and tell him he can see her, but if he does not take that any further, leave it alone. You do not want someone flaking in and out of your dds life when it suits him. He is either in it, or he isn't.