Top Tips: Moving in with boyfriend.

[Doodles29]

Hi all.

So in three weeks I am due to move into my boyfriend’s flat with him. I have a good amount of savings, so the long term plan is to see how things go for a few months, and then sell his and buy something bigger together (we have one dog each, so would need a garden at some point!)

I’m 26 and this is my second serious relationship. In 2019 I bought a house with my ex and unfortunately the relationship broke down and it all went wrong (he cheated). I just want to do things right this time, to ensure that I don’t end up in the same position again.

The main thing I wanted advice on is finances. I earn around £37,000 per year and my boyfriend earns £45,000. We have both already agreed that I will not be paying his mortgage, but will be paying some bills/ food shop. I am willing to contribute as much as I can, but would like some disposable income so that I can go and get my nails done, or see friends if I wish to, or save it. How much disposable income is a sensible amount per month do you think? i wanted to get some figures in my head before we discuss this further. What is the fairest way to decide how much we each pay for, provided he earns more than me?

in addition to this, if we need a new item in the house (a bin for example) who pays for it? Also decorating the property to sell before we buy something of our own?

I am just curious to see what others do when it comes to this situation.

Any other tips about living together would be welcomed!

Many thanks.

You shouldn't contribute to the maintenance/repair of his property while it's solely in his name.

Maybe pay some sort of token rent and a proportion of the bills/half the groceries? Probably best to discuss the current outgoings and decide what makes sense - and have a check-in about how it's working every month or so.

I find it a bit alarming that you're talking about putting in as much as you can and in terms of maybe having a bit left for yourself, seems a bit full on. You should both benefit from living together, and you have to bear in mind that while the relationship may last, if it doesn't, you don't want to have basically feathered his nest at your expense.

I own our house and DP still pays (and has always insisted on paying) me an amount of rent, because he doesn’t expect to get free housing: if he lived alone or with a friend or housemate he’d have to pay his way even if he didn’t own the property, and it shouldn’t be any different because he lives with me.

He worked his contribution out as the average point of what it would cost him to rent a room inclusive of bills as a lodger in our area. I’m happy with that: it isn’t half of everything our home costs to run by any means and so reflects that he doesn’t have the security that he would as a homeowner or proper tenant; whilst also not taking the piss out of me. Have a look on a house sharing website like Spareroom and negotiate from there, would be my advice. I personally think it’s a fair place to start, because it simply reflects the baseline of what your living expenses would be if you weren’t living with him.

I view life as being too short to argue over e.g. a bin. Whoever goes to the shop first would buy it, in our house. When it comes to big things like electronics, appliances, and furniture, we go halves (you and your boyfriend could split in relative proportions considering you earn slightly less) - and if we did separate we know we’d work out a fair way to either split our possessions or one of us buy then from the other. What really (really) helps us here is that we’re both still good friends or have amicable relationships with virtually all of our previous exes: so we both know that the other is capable of breaking up amicably and well and that we can trust the other to behave properly in a breakup and that we’d never end up bitterly arguing over who should get the sofa or who paid £50 for a chair 6 years ago or whatever, because we have that level of reassurance.

To add. As a rough calculation and without taking into account what one or both of you might pay in pension contributions, BIK, or student loan etc, I’d estimate that he takes home about £350-£400 a month more than you do? YMMV according to aforementioned.

In our house, everything comes out in the wash: we don’t have joint finances (my choice, even after we get married later this year) but one week I might spend quite a bit because the grocery shop includes laundry detergent and a giant multipack of Andrex; the next, he’ll be the one who picks up the pricey joint of lamb because we’re hosting friends for dinner. It’s unspoken. To me, this is how a relationship should be: we each have an almost unconscious rough tally in our heads which means we take care of each other financially and make sure we’re even. If it’s bonus month for one of us, that’s the one who grabs the majority of the drinks and meals out that month. Your DP earns a few hundred more than you do, so can you just agree between you that he covers the majority of the joint luxury stuff like meals out for you both?

I would be keeping your finances separate to avoid any arguments or problems if you split. Do not contribute to the mortgage unless the house is also in your name. You may wish to pay a small rent but I wouldn't be paying for things that are part of the house, e.g. carpets, curtains, etc. unless you can take them with you. Regardless of relative salaries, I think it's fair you pay your own way on everything else - this probably means half the bills, although it's possible your partner may offer for you just to pay the extra amount on top of what he would have had to pay anyway.

I am your boyfriend in this scenario i.e. my boyfriend moved in with me. He earns less than me too (bigger difference than your stated salaries).

He pays half of all bills, half of his old rent (not fair for him to pay half of mortgage - this is about a third, less now that my mortgage has gone up! - but also not fair to not pay any rent). I pay maintenance on property, decorating items etc. Although now he's been here a year that's a little more flexible but I never expect it - sometimes he just wants to get e.g. a nicer bin!

I'd say don't rush into buying a few months after living together - maybe agree 6 months and then discuss it - if you're both super happy 4 months in you can always bring it forward but anyone can be on best behaviour for a few months.

We're looking to sell my place and buy together now, and considerations are:
1 I'm paying the sale fees (although things like getting property ready for viewings is pretty equally split because he lives here and he's not a dick)
2 we're getting a deed of trust
3 it is EXPENSIVE when you're not a first time buyer so refer back to my point about don't rush into it!

Oh - and you can't ensure you won't get in the same position again. It's literally impossible to ensure it. I really struggled with that because I have the security of my own place now and I'm risking that by buying together, but it's just part of relationships. Every extra commitment is a step of faith.

You can, and should, do what you can to mitigate the risk i.e. take your time, have conversations, make sure you go through at least one difficult situation/disagreement before you spend thousands on buying together...but you can never ensure it. Sorry!