Partner took DD out with woman he's cheating on me with

[DevestatedMumma]

I just found out my partner and father of our two children is cheating on me. Our youngest is a month old, he’s just gone back to work after paternity leave.
As if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve just found out on the days he took our 2 year old out to do special daddy daughter activities during his leave he took her to various pubs for ‘lunch’ with a woman that he’s cheating on me with.
we have find my iPhone on but neither of us check it to the point we both forgot it was on, and I haven’t mentioned it simply because I now know he will lie to me about where he is with our daughter whilst ignoring me and keeping her out until gone 10pm (after saying he was in a cab back 3 hours earlier).
I remembered we share locations when after an hour passed from him saying he was booking a cab and then stopped responding to me and reading my messages (this was when he was only about 30 minutes away according to what he had told me)… so I looked he was half an hour away, but in a pub not where he said ge was.
I called him to ask what was happening and asked where he wee again by message, after 5 called being ignored he replied ‘I told you where I was, I’m booking a cab now’
at this point it was almost our daughters bedtime, he said he’d be back to put her to bed
another hour passed
and he said he was waiting for a cab but nobody was picking up and they kept cancelling. We share an Uber account usually and I opened it to see if it was going to take long, he hadn’t tried to book a cab at all.
another hour, it’s way past our two year olds bedtime at this point.
When I angrily demanded an answer to how long he’d be and said it was irresponsibile to be out so late with her, and offered to try and book a cab for him with another app suddenly Uber flashed up with searching, then stopped again. He said one picked up and that it was using another app that wasn’t Uber (again one we both use but not often). I know his old Uber login so I checked that, I don’t know what made me do it. But there was indeed a cab booked, picking them up in 1 minute and dropping them home by 10.24. with another drop off, an address of a woman he works with, this woman is one that I have been told he was very inappropriately close with to the point his colleague asked me if we’d split up.
I asked where he’d been when he got home and why he didn’t get the bus or train, as that would’ve gotten him back in 45 minutes, vs the 27 in a cab.
he repeated the place he’d told me he had been, I asked if he went anywhere else he said no, or seen anyone etc and asked me angrily if I don’t trust him with HIS daughter and implied I was saying he’s a shit dad.
He stank of drink and looked out of it, he’d had our 2 year old in a pub for over 4 hours. She was exhausted and had a filthy nappy and HADNT had dinner.
Every time he’s taken her out there’s always been delays on him coming home never this bad so I didn’t think about it. But he’d been home late from work for the same reasons and having to ‘stay late’ last minute.
When he went back to work he was supposed to get off early on the first 2 days to help me with bedtime (all agreed with his boss in writing), he told me he was stuck an extra hour & then trains and buses etc were delayed. 3 hours later he’s finally ‘almost back’
From 25 minutes after he finished work he had been sat in the pub down the end of our road insisting he was at work, and when I suggested he was lying he raged at me about how he was WORKING and I’d just have to deal with it.

I don’t want to tell him I know he lied because of sharing his location because I don’t want him to turn it off, as I need to know where our two year old is when she’s with him and he can’t be trusted to tell me the truth about that or get her home on time or even at a reasonable time.

I know he’s cheating.
I know he’s had our daughter around her.
I am almost 5 weeks postpartum & I am broken… i am disgusted.
I don’t want to let him take our daughter out and I don’t want him near me, but I have no family close and friends work full time with young kids of their own so have no other help. I am healing slowly from a traumatic brith so not ready to do it on my own fully yet, everytime I’ve dealt with both of them for extended periods of time it has caused pain and made my bleeding worse, so I don’t want to risk that being a problem just yet. I want to be healed enough to do it without him when I confront him.

He's done it before in the past and it has been the only reason he's lied about where he was and not answered the phone. It's also the only reason he's ever gotten angry at me for questioning where he is and getting annoyed that he's late back.

Parents are old and can't drive anymore, and I have siblings but they have full houses so can't really dip out to come help me out currently.
The only one I could go to has a severe cat allergy so I would need to sort some where out for our cat as he certainly would forget to look after her if we didn't take her

This is my thinking, I need to get myself physically more able to do things and then I will be better able to do what I need to. For now he can think he's gotten away with it, and i still have his location for when I need him to have DD out. I will certainly be contacting the police if he has her in a pub and is out with her past bedtime again.

Cheating I can get over and being a POS neglecting family because he'd rather play away from home (still comes running and wanting kisses and cuddles mind you), but I can't forgive him having DD present and having her outside in a pub garden when the weather had been wet and miserable all day & temperature dropped once it got dark

Ins and outs of uber accounts and how they could be sat in a pub are irrelevant op focus on the big stuff - he's neglectful of your child and maybe/probably cheating.
I hate game playing and subterfuge don't sit there plotting and second guessing for months it'll do your mental health no good. Decide what you're doing and do it fast for your own good and your kids.

Yes I have screenshots, and will be ensuring that I screenshot the location and the message that tells me he's somewhere else at the same time.

When it comes to it in the future she will be AirTagged in her coat in someday so that I have her location

Do you own the house together or rent?
Are you tied financially to this man? Do you have a full time job to go back to?

You don’t have to have evidence of cheating to leave him. Assuming you are in rented I would get the cat rehomed and make steps to leave him. I wouldn’t say a word about it at present as it seems you are prepared to split up. I’d get my ducks in a row and tell him after I left. Or if you own the house and are not married, ask him to leave.

He will argue, debate and then push his cheating underground. He has history and I doubt is a good candidate for reconciliation. Look after the three of you and let him spend his life looking for validation from a variety of young women. He’s a loser.

Is your youngest at nursery of any sort?
can you pay her keyworkers extra to help you at home

or you need to find a local childminder or post natal doula who will help you

Dont let on you can track his location if you want to use it at any point in the future. Say a friend saw them together in the pub. Nothing else needs to be said.

I asked you where you were because I had just been informed you were in the pub. You said x. But I know you were at y because I was on the phone to my friend and she could see you with z from work. I’m bored of your lies and I do not love you anymore. Let’s sort out contact.

No debate.

Forget about the OW and his lying, your DC won't remember this. You need to keep your children under your supervision as your partner is an unreliable drunk. You need to lean on your family, doesn't matter if they have full house or allergies or older parents, you need to leave with your children and don't let him take the children unsupervised, he can go to court and you can tell them how neglectful he'd been. He's such a shit dad probably will be happy not caring for them so he can get drunk with her.
Stop focusing on all this detective drama shit, you've got to leave, heal and keep your children away from him. DO NOT return and do not have more children with him.

That's why people bar hop and take it in turn for someone to be with the child, maybe sitting out of sight in the garden or a dark corner of the pub and then the other adult goes and orders beer. If they're asked if they're ordering food they just ask for chips or look at the menu, drink up and leave and repeat again in another pub. Usually if they realise there is a kid and it's late they just say sorry you need to leave after this one... no problem, go repeat in another pub or get booze from the local Sainsbury's or Off Licence and add it to your drink or drink minis in the bathroom. People absolutely do this I've seen it unfortunately.

Is your partner's mother telling you all this? She seems to know a lot of detail which she's passing on to you. Is she supportive of you?

I would tell him what you know. Tell him you're reporting to social services. Report the pub to the council as they have allowed child neglect. Get in writing that he is to have no unsupervised access to kids and OW is to have zero access. They are absolute scum. It doesn't sound like he's being any kind of practical help. Can you not tell the siblings the seriousness of your situation to get some help? I'm busy but if one of my relatives was going through this I'd make some sacrifices to help. Can you afford some private childcare to give you some respite? Or if you were to speak to SS ask them for some respite childcare in a nursery? They have provided funded childcare places. They are not all about removing the kids.

I don't know how you haven't wrecked the pair of them. Can't say I'd have that much restraint. I'd be in their workplace humiliating them both and everything he owned or valued would be trashed.

Thankyou everyone so far for your replies I did try and respond to many of you earlier.

Currently I am not in a position where I can be whisked away to family they are all minimum of 2 hours away, and between their jobs and children they do not have the space, I know people would make do but with the new born I'd rather not intrude as it involves a lot of stuff that she would need.
I also need to remain close to my doctor until I am cleared by her to do more, and incase I need her quickly.
Once I am cleared and able to get myself more mobile then this property (we rent) will begin to have mine & the girls bits packed up & the cats (she's old it's not fair to rehome her away from us after 12 years so that isn't an option).

He will be given notice that I'm leaving when he's not in a position to try and dash home to convince me otherwise. I will be looking into alternative living arrangements whilst I am awaiting the all clear and whilst family cannot help with housing me, they will help move me and fund me to do so quickly.

Then he can have the flat to deal with and decide if he wants to be closer to his children or not.
I won't be within a distance that a non driving individual that has yet to behave like an adult properly will be happy to commute by transport.
He will have to actively make the effort to come and be close to them or take steps to make that easier for him to do. Our first born didn't see him much for the first 7 months of her life because he adopted a 21 year old around then as well (more fool me I know, but he went to therapy, we went together, and baby no.2 wasn't planned but we moved and relocated to start fresh together and look where that got us).
Can't justify his actions at all but cheating and lying seem to be his reaction to a new baby. By his own admission in therapy he said he struggled with the fact he had to change his life now because he's a dad, and he even said around our eldests birthday at the end of last year that he still struggles but he's really going to focus on family and not do what he did before because he can't lose us (it's already known to him that this was the last chance for us and if I walk away then it will be final)

4 weeks.
Any evidence I stumble upon between now and then will be kept to back up any access related arguments that may come etc I doubt though that he is going to make the effort he'll have to. It'll probably be easier to paint me as a crazy bitter witch, he's already called me controlling before (and yet he's got time to go out and cheat)

He adopted a 21 year old?

A polite way of saying he spent all his time and money entertaining what was essentially another child compared to us.

With the best will in the world OP if you are choosing to stay there you can't be letting him have the dc unsupervised again, it's absolutely horrific that he had her out at ten pm tired, cold and dirty. It's her welfare that has to come first and so you will have to make excuses not to let her out of your home an air tag in a coat is not sufficient.

You don't need more evidence than you already have that he is providing completely inadequate care to her.

Fair enough if you feel you cannot go until then, but she doesn't need to be going out and put in situations where she will be neglected. Definitely discuss with social services too.

No she won't be going out with him for more than a walk to the shop and back, which is the exercise I'm allowed so I will be with them too. Or when we go to my appointments he will walk around with them before meeting me when I'm done.

The air tag will be for the future if he makes effort so that I know her whereabouts as him saying where they are will never be trusted again.

Wow op, you sound so strong even if you dont feel it...you're one heck of a woman I hope you recover quickly and can get started on your new life without that piece of shit.

Brilliant sounds like you have a really good plan in place, you can do this and get out to the better life waiting for you all :)