Why do I feel like this when I asked him to leave

[LostDrowning]

STBXH finally had his own place, got the keys today and is currently sorting bits out to take to said house.

The separation was my asking (I was having therapy for possible emotional abuse and coercion- I say possible as I really struggle to accept those terms. I feel like I didn’t help and caused certain things. Also we’ve both done wrong and abuse or not it’s been toxic as hell)
The separation is not something he wants.
since initiating the separation things have been very back and forth with him either being nasty, apologising and being so nice, accepting it’s over or giving big speeches about how he’s changed, seen his ways and we’re soul mates and he can’t live without me … it’s been circles after circle for months until eventually one day he seemed to have got it and things went quiet.

Im pretty certain this is what I want, well I am but I’m scared as hell, it’s been 14 years and all I’ve ever known so it’s beyond daunting … I know I don’t love him anymore and the thought of going back to the before makes me so beyond nervous and uncomfortable, I don’t want that misery, I was so unhappy… this isn’t the first time we have separated, we actually separated 4 years prior and the way I see it if that didn’t change things like promised and we’re here again 4 years later then it’s never going to chance, so why am I sat here feeling so sick, feeling so guilty. feeling bad he’s having to leave and be on his own. Not have his family around him.
how can I say all that and then feel all this.

As he went to collect his keys he sent me a message asking for another chance so on top of these feelings it’s also clear he hasn’t finally accepted it like I thought and now all those feelings are even more intense. I feel like I can’t breathe.

I feel like giving up.

I don’t really know what I’m asking, if anything, posting this but if anyone has been through similar and can tell me it gets easier I’d appreciate it because right now I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve been so sure and now I’m just lost.

DO NOT GIVE UP! You'll lose all the progress you've made.

The reason you're feeling guilty is because you're a human being with empathy, and you've ended a relationship with someone who wanted to stay in it. If you didn't feel bad for him, you'd be a bloody psychopath!

He is a grown up though, who must understand that relationships end, and he will be alright on his own. Whether it's been abusive or just a bad mix between the two of you, it will give him an opportunity to reflect on his behaviour, and make changes in his future relationships.

Hold firm - you are very clear that you don't love him and the relationship has been making you unhappy. Keep calm, don't respond to any attempts at emotional blackmail, just hold your nerve until he's out the door. Then you can bolt it behind him and breathe a sigh of relief, make a giant cup of tea and have a cry.

Better days are coming

Please do not give in my friend did give in yesterday and is now back in a totally toxic relationship and not listening to anybody. Things have been said that can't be taken back and the behaviour has been awful to family.
But they wanted another chance!
Till the next time

I gave my ex another chance as I thought he had changed but unfortunately it was all words & he hadn't. It might be a desperate attempt on his part but unless something has fundamentally changed it's unlikely to lead to a different outcome in my experience

Better to get some space to yourself & figure out what YOU want

Don't give in. I gave in multiple times when my toxic ex would end it and then get back in contact. Then we broke it and now we are back to not speaking, but this time I'm blocking him and being done with him. Its sad because as a friend we are ok, but more than that it gets ugly. So I try to remember that, plus I think of all the years I loss staying with him when I could've either happily over him or possibly with someone better.

I’m finding it really hard
he’s come back and keeps begging me to keep him another chance. That he can’t take no, he can’t be without me - crying and pleading. Saying he doesn’t think I get just how sorry he is. That I obviously don’t get how this is making him feel.
me asking to separate didn’t come out of nowhere. I would go to him constantly to tell him how I was feeling to be told I didn’t feel that way, I was tired or grumpy … at times I even shouted and screamed as I was low and fed up and yeah tired of everything and he’d say I was lucky as a lesser man wouldn’t put up with my shit. Sometimes he would say he was listening and things would get better but they never did so it’s not like I didn’t try. I tried so hard that I don’t recognise the person I became. I tried so hard that I forced myself to give in each time he guilted, shouted or pestered for sex because I felt guilty and like it was easier than arguing- I quite literally destroyed myself … I became this angry miserable person with no self esteem and confidence.
I ignored things I never should have when it came to how he spoke to the kids, how he got angry and yelled and bellowed and swore. How he rarely bothered with them/me.

yet him here saying all these things just makes me feel awful. I literally feel like I can’t breathe. Like I’m being suffocated. like im wrong … I am not heartless and even after everything I don’t want to see him like this and it feels easier to give in and make him happy no matter what I feel rather than do this to someone.

again I see all I say above and then feel this. I feel sick.
my head is so messy that sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake back up rather than go through this … how pathetic really.

FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt.

It's all misplaced and instilled by the abuse. You're so used to him being the only one who counts. It's his own actions/behaviour that have led him to this - he had tons of chances.

You will work your way out of it. Just ride out the feelings, engage with counselling/therapy again if you can, or do the Freedom Programme, or self-help.

Look up trauma bonding too. I felt exactly like you do now - I was so sure i wanted to split but each time he left I felt like I regretted it and wanted him back, even though he'd been so vile and abusive to me. As soon as I read about trauma bonding it made so much sense and really helped me finally make the decision that I was done with him for good. Also ignore the begging and promises to change - if they were going to change, they already would have. Keep reminding yourself 'if they wanted to, they would'. Sorry you're going through this, it does get easier.

You are not responsible for how he feels. He is. This behaviour is to wear you down, stand firm.

If he truly cared for you, he would be listening to what you are saying, which is that you don't want a relationship with him. He does not respect you or care for you, his actions tell you this. Listen to his actions, not his words.

My local Women's Aid run workshops on understanding behaviours, which was eye opening and really helped me understand and come to terms with what happened to me. Please contact your local Women's Aid and see if they can help.

You've done the hardest bit, dig deep, be resolute and find your strength. 💪💪

Minimise all contact with him. If it's not about the kids or splitting your stuff/finances/legal stuff you don't talk to him about it. If you can get someone to be there when you have to talk to him that will help. Stay strong.