Hello, I'm really hoping someone can relate to me. I've decided to cut my toxic mother out of my life and I feel guilty.
I had a fairly good childhood and was cared for by my mother and maternal grandparents who replaced my "other" parent. When I met my two children's father at 17 and went on to have my first daughter at 20 my mother appeared to change. The relationship with my children's father lasted for 10 years which was extremely abusive and must have been soul destroying to witness for my mother and grandparents. My Grandparents helped me a lot including buying my first car, laptop for university etc which made her furious and she hurled abuse at them for being terrible parents to her since a child (something I've never been able to agree or disagree with but they were amazing to me). When I passed my driving test I told her I could cry with happiness and she sarcastically asked.. why? When I didn't leave the abusive relationship I was too weak. I had badly chosen friends she said. I couldn't cope as a parent when I begged her for help sometimes. When in fact I was extremely vulnerable.
During my relationship I went to university, got a job in the meantime, finally left the relationship and now I'm doing a Masters. My Grandparent's died 8 months apart 3 years ago and my world fell apart. Their estate was divided and left us both with two houses to share. One was in Ireland and another in the UK. We agreed to keep the one in Ireland and I would work more hours so I could buy the other half of the house here off her (which i struggled to do at first). Two years ago I got with a lovely man (who I had known through a friend for more than 7 years) and after being very cautious due to my previous relationship. I recently found out I was pregnant which frightened me to death and we considered our options and finally decided to go ahead. My mother was furious - called me a whore, I just wanted sex, I'm making her life a misery, what will she tell people. Whenever I have asked her to help with childcare she has complained and argued with me so I have always been reluctant and i explained we wanted nothing from her or my stepdad who she married 15 years ago.
Over the past few days, she rang me and said she wanted the mortgage finalised or the house is going up for sale because she wants her money even though we had already agreed to finalise it by May. She said I'll never achieve anything now I'll have a third child and my dream after this Masters of a good job is down the drain. Out of all of this it still makes me feel guilty because I did put her and my Grandparents through an immeasurable amount of stress during the 10 year relationship, they did bring me up to have an extremely good job and to do things "traditionally" like marriage before kids, buy a house, becoming financially stable (even though she didn't do any of this herself). I wonder if she is all the things she says I am? I have no other family members to turn to which scares me but over the past few days I am sick and tired of her trampling over any boundaries I set, the insults, the way she makes me feel so bad about myself and how she admitted she isn't the only Grandparent who doesn't want to be overly involved with their Grandchildren. Am I right here? Am I missing something? I told her that if she needs me to contact my partner and that I am now going to stop all contact due to my own mental health and well being. She said she didn't think this was needed but space was. I just don't know.