I don't even know where to start with this thread. I just know I need to get this stuff out somewhere. Here seems as good as any.
I'm 38 years old. My parents divorced when I was 9. Their relationship was not a happy one. Littered with my dads infidelity, fighting and arguing all the time.
My mum left for the OM after her own affair was exposed. This then lead to a cascade of what I can only describe as shit. My parents behaved abominably towards each other. As the only child I was put in the middle of their battles continously. For years I refused to see my dad, afraid my mother would reject me. It was dragged through family court but I still refused to go, hanging on to door frames screaming. I wanted my mothers love. I needed to not be rejected. If I loved him too, then surely she would hate me? She told me aged 9/10/11 of all their marital issues, the affairs, his supposed porn use, etc. Of course she never told me not to see him. But that is what she wanted, and what she set out to do.
My dad set about destroying my mothers life in revenge. Of course that destroyed my life too. He made it impossible for my mum to stay at her work (teacher) by sleeping with another teacher and having all her personal life spread around the school. I also attended this school. In year 5 I had to move away. We moved towns, moved schools. Since then I have never really recovered. As a child I was well liked, popular. My parents would have described me as a charming child. People had time for me, listened to what I had to say and seemed to enjoy my company. Adults and children. I was bright, academic, and everyone thought I'd go on to great things.
When I moved schools I was unable to make any friends. No one would let me in to their circle. Friendship groups were already established. This continued in high school as I went to the same high school as they all did. I never connected with anyone else again. I tried. I wasn't wanted. Wasn't liked. Bullied through high school. I have never been able to make friends as an adult. Acquaintances at best.
My parents continued to wage their war on each other all through my high school years. Dad fucked off abroad to escape the CSA. At some point I started seeing him a little - maybe every 6 weeks or so. He'd take me out for the day. But that was because my mum wanted him to send money so dangled me as the carrot. So she stopped telling me the bad stuff to get me to want to see him. Telling me all the things I could ask him to buy me. So of course I did. She knew it was the only way he would pay - he was out of the CSA jurisdiction. I was a pay per view essentially.
By 16 I was on a self destruct path. At this point my parents seemed to stop "caring" all together. I met someone who seemed to love me. The first real love I'd felt since I was little. So I got pregnant - of course. My mum and dad helped me a little . But only to enable me to move out. In to a council house. From a middle class background to council estate life as a teenage mum. The first day I moved in - I stared outside from my bedroom window as the police had taped up the road. There had been a murder in the flats over the road. I knew then I needed to get away from there.
Determined to give my child a better life I did manage to claw my way out of poverty. I went to university when he was 2 and by the time he was 6 I had bought my first house.
My parents in all these years continue to slag each other off at every single opportunity. My OH comments how my parents can not have a conversation with me without somehow relating it to some terrible misdemeanor that the other parent committed. Every single conversation. For 30 years. They don't get a reaction from me. I say very little. They don't care. They carry on even though they can see my discomfort.
They don't show much interest in me. Or my children. My mum - she sees me every 3 months or so. My dad, twice a year max. Often just once at new year for a couple of days. Neither ring me unless they want something - which is rare. All conversation is from me. I left it once with my mum. It took her 4 months to text me. They just hold so little interest - especially my dad.
My nan (dad's mum) commented recently how she didn't understand how my parents fought so hard over me all those years ago, yet now can't be bothered. Everyone else sees this - all the wider family know my parents don't really bother with me.
I've been through some really traumatic times over the years and they haven't been there in any way at all. One of the worst was when my ex walked out when I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I was absolute rock bottom. I had no one. No help from anywhere at all. My mum refused to help when I was having the baby. She wouldn't be with me or stay with my other children. She went on holiday instead and I had to pay strangers to look after the children. I had to give birth without support. My dad also went on holiday.
My mum has dedicated her life to educating young children. Yet I don't think she ever had a maternal bone in her body. She told me very recently that she barely saw me term time but she tried to make up for it in the holidays - but it wasn't enough. That she cared about me, but like a step parent would! That really fucking hurt.
There is so much more that I could say, but my chest hurts just writing this. I feel like a useless piece of worthless shit. Absolutely unlovable. My own parents can't possibly love me. I can't even establish friendships. I also feel self indulgent just writing this out as others have far far worse problems. So, yeah.