How do you come to terms with your dad hitting your mum?

[MademoiselleChatGris]

My dad died over a decade ago. He was a tormented and complex character to say the least, and we had a difficult relationship.

I was speaking to my mum about family things recently and she told me she believes my dad hit his mum. I asked her why she thought that and she said ‘because your grandmother kicked him out and at one point asked me if he hit me when we first started seeing each other, and she seemed to imply he had done it to her’.

I wasn’t really sure what to make of that (and still don’t). I asked my mum if he had ever hit her. I think I knew the answer to this already because she told me many stories about him as a child which I didn’t know whether to believe or not (and it was massively inappropriate considering the age I was but… I was her therapist) but I needed to hear it as an adult. She said yes, he hit her quite a few times and once put his hands around her neck and choked her because of how she was peeling a potato. She said she wanted to leave but he told her he’d take the children off her.

My mum and dad were together until he died, a long time after my sibling and I left home. There were two sides to my dad: the friendly, caring side and the violent and out of control side. He hit my sibling and me many times, often excessively, often without warning. He could turn from friendly to aggressive within a heartbeat and we all walked on eggshells constantly. Despite this I loved him dearly and his death in my early 20s devastated me. He had ‘mellowed’ quite a lot over the years and I felt like I was just getting to know him properly. But at the same time I couldn’t reconcile these two sides of his character and my feelings towards him fluctuated a great deal. He died before I could make sense of any of it.

I read threads here all the time about the awful abuse women go through at the hands of their partners and it chills me. What my dad did chills me. But how do I come to terms with that when he’s my father? He had an awful childhood with his own abusive father who also abused his mother, and he struggled with mental illness as a result. But it still doesn’t excuse what he did, and I can’t help but feel disappointed at my mum for not leaving him. I’ve really struggled in my own life and found myself in one abusive relationship after another.

I’m wondering if others here might be able to relate to such confusing feelings, knowing their father abused their mother (and/or them)? I don’t want to talk to anyone I know about it because I don’t want to feel like I can never mention my dad in a positive light again. Thanks for reading.

My dad hit my mom too. I believe that it has effected many aspects of my life even though the last time it happened was 30 years ago. As a child I loved my dad but hated him as the abuse caused so many issues in my life. I always felt like I had to choose sides and no child should have to go thru that.

I’m sorry you all experienced that. Please don’t feel bad or annoyed at your mum. She was in a tough position and felt she had to stay to keep you and your sibling safe.
I understand you don’t want to speak to anyone in real life about it but have you considered therapy? It might help you work through your feelings and talk in a safe space.

My father physically punished us as kids. Not very often but would be unacceptable now. Thing is , I loved him and certainly had no fear of him. Once , while talking as adults , he said how sorry he was and said that as he lost his mother young, it was normal for his father and most fathers to smack. This was also a time when corporal punishment was in schools . Said he did not know how to behave as a family man. When I had my own kids , he said that he couldn't imagine anyone thinking it OK to hit kids or women.
I guess it is important that people acknowledge what they did was wrong and were genuinely remorseful about it. Without that, it is very hard to forgive or be able to have a good relationship with them .

My dad abused my mum. Not physically but emotionally in very cruel ways that I only know about now

I hate him. I always have. I will never forgive him for what he did to her and to us.
I actually won't care if and when he dies. He broke my mum. He ruined her mental health to the point of no return and I will never forget it.

My Dad hit my Mum once, they were in the kitchen and had a blazing row and I was in the room next door. It was probably the only time and they were on the verge of divorce, then changed their minds and stayed together.
They are still together and elderly now but still argued all these years but not at the level of back then.

I’ve never actually told anyone, not even dh as I think what’s the point, but I read a book recently where domestic violence was mentioned and I have been thinking about it more.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through the abuse you did, a much worse experience than mine.
Although I have been wondering whether seeing a therapist would help, just to offload to someone neutral who doesn’t know our family at all.

@Hiddenvoice I’ve had lots of therapy and it’s been a huge help. I feel like I can think about these things with a clearer head now, instead of burying them like I did in the past and it coming out in other ways.

@Soonenough ’said he did not know how to behave as a family man’ I think this was how my dad felt. His mum left him in the 50s because of the abuse. She went to live with her parents who looked after the children while she went out to work. His grandmother was Victorian and extremely strict. His treatment towards my brother and me was a watered-down way of how she treated him. Unfortunately I never got an apology from my dad, not even when I challenged him when he was dying and I was so full of confusion. He did show signs of remorse in the form of being extra kind to me after a punishment, which was an absolute headfuck of course. I’m glad you were able to see the acknowledgement and genuine remorse, it must have been a relief. I guess I have an understanding of his behaviour on account of his awful childhood. It doesn’t make it okay, but it’s a sense of an answer at least. I know he was suffering and he didn’t mean to be the way he was.

I could have written your post almost word for word, OP, except my dad isn’t dead, he’s old and frail now. It’s not easy.

I don’t know how to link a thread but there’s this one on Relationships, if you can find it -

Struggling with childhood memories and resentment, by PurpleSky300 · 20/01/2023

lot of insight about how to come to terms with childhood domestic violence there.

@Johnisafckface I always felt like I had to choose sides as well. I remember many a night my mother asking if I loved my dad, and why. She wasn’t a very good mum but now that I’m older I can see she was vulnerable, isolated and wasn’t equipped to deal with what was happening.

@Amaouttahere I’m sorry you went through that, the atmosphere must’ve been very tense. I’ve never mentioned my dad’s abuse towards my mum to anyone either. it’s strange looking back at it through an adult lens.

Such is the impossibility in my family of even talking about this stuff, ever, that even here on an anonymous site I felt obliged to nc.

In our family, my father hit the children, not all equally or all at the same time; and he's dying now. Neither of my brothers will see him. My sister still lives nearby, I live very far away, but I fly back and forth at great expense to help. And a lot of this travelling to protect her, because she never got away as I did (both in miles and in having my own husband and children, something she doesn't have).

He is still nasty with her, though no longer able to be physical, but she cannot cut him off as our brothers did. And from watching this, at nearly 60, I have finally understood: yes, it is entirely possible to hate someone and love them at the same time. Whatever psychiatrists and linguists claim, it's entirely possible.

And that's the point: you wouldn't hate them so much for hurting you if it weren't such a betrayal. Yes, if a stranger mugs you for your wallet you'll be upset and traumatised, but not so badly.

It is a very, very messed-up thing when the fact that you are so angry with someone is your best proof that you love them.

My df was a pretty loathsome individual, to his wife and his children.

I accepted at the age of about 8 that he was despicable and from then on, I resolved to leave and be rid of him as soon as I could.

As a teen I worried about nature/nurture and whether being related to him would make me similar to him. By 25 I had offered to help financially so my dm could leave too. But it wasn't the done thing to divorce, and she stayed, which was sad. After he died, I made sure she had the chance to enjoy herself, which she did, 🙂

You aren't responsible for your df's behaviour, you couldn't have changed it, and certainly can't change the past. You can only show your mum that you love her, regardless. I hope you find some peace xx

Hi @MademoiselleChatGris my Dad hit my Mum repeatedly, she has had broken ribs, been beaten while pregnant and i also saw my Grandad and Dad's sister hit my Mum. My Dad's friend also hit my Mum, i heard the screams and there was nothing i could do, i was so young 😔 i sat with my Mum loads of times while she would have panic attacks, i would help her breathe it out. At night i would stare at the iron in my room in case he picked it up and hit my Mum.
My Dad passed away, he was a lonely broken alcholic man.
I block it all out and do my best to be a good daughter and be there for my Mum.
Stay strong and just love your Mum so much she forgets it all x

I understand, my dad was/is (haven’t spoken to him for decades) a violent man and I often wonder how having a good man as a role model would have coloured my life for the better, and given my mum a break (luckily she left him fairly early on, but she deserved an easier life). I suppose therapy is the answer to resolve this bitterness but I cannot be arsed haha. I’ve just accepted it as part of the hand I was dealt.

My dad hit my mum and was abusive to all of us. She left him when we were younger and a few years ago I went NC. Best decision ever. I'm sorry you're going through this

I don't know if I have to come to terms with it. I just accept that it happened and I'm trying to live my life with the idea that I won't continue to allow the suffering to affect me, I won't pay twice for what happened in my childhood I already suffered enough best to move on I dont even want the head space to think of it anymore I have better things to think of and do. I had therapy where a few sessions I talked specifically about witnessing domestic abuse and it helped because someone else that I looked up to acknowledged that it wasn't ok and because I said it out loud and felt heard. With age and as I became a parent I also saw things differently I was able to understand a bit why he was the way he was. The world was very different with a lot of stigma about mental health and through therapy I have compassion for myself and for my parents. I really believe they did the best they could. They were a huge heap of mess. Very ill and damaged. He had a tough childhood and had a lot of shame. I know he didn't like what he did and that he was struggling a lot. Very few people are totally evil or good, most of us have different sides. Both my parents have passed now but in your shoes I would focus on supporting my mum as she must have a lot of guilt. There just wasn't as much support or resources or even conversation on this back then. Even now MH is woefully resourced but back then it was worse and so much stigma. To sum up what helped me is acknowledgement, compassion, acceptance and looking ahead.

My father wasn't physically violent to my mother but he wasn't an easy person to live with. When she threw him out, she turned on me. I was a walking disaster, so like my dad. She physically and emotionally abused me. No hugs or real empathy. She was a violent bully. Yeah she had it tough but to take it out on me, her only child was abhorrent.

When I told her (aged 5) my father had sexually assaulted me I wasn't believed. When I challenged her quite recently she said "and how do you think I feel being married to him?"

Bitter, twisted and spiteful. I honestly wish I had never been born, when I say this to her, her response is "so do I"

I grew up in a dv household, I saw and experienced things no child should see or hear. I tried to protect mum but I got punched, kicked as well (I was under ten). Its something that I've reconciled within myself after many years. But in my experience it never leaves you completely. The latest nspcc ad with the kid listening on the stairs at the noise of violence brought it up for me as I used to listen and hope it would stop and most times it didn't.

I cut both my parents out because I couldn't. I hated my mum for staying when she had places to go, especially after my siblings and I all offered her a place to live when we became adults. That took the biscuit for me as she always used to trot out the line I stayed for you.

I hated my dad for hurting me. He too mellowed but I could not get over it. Depends on how it affects you but it's ruined my life so I'm not feeling overly bad about never seeing them again. My dad will probably die soon and my siblings still see my mum though.

Reading your replies has made me cry. Thanks so much for sharing.

If anything this thread is making me have more compassion for my mum. But I struggle with my feelings towards her because she was quite abusive in her own way. When I was a teenager she was horrible to me because I spent more time with my dad. When she couldn’t turn me against him, she tried to turn him against me instead. So I started hating her and was NC with her until relatively recently. The only time I spoke to her was when I challenged them about the abuse when my dad was dying, but she denied it all and said it was all in my head. That it never happened. When my dad died she tried to contact me but it was all about her, as if she was the only one grieving, and I didn’t speak to her again for eight years.

We met up last year, I hadn’t seen her since I was a teenager. She looked so small and I felt sad for her. We talked about the abuse and she said she felt so much guilt, like a PP suggested. One thing that came out was that one day she packed some things and took my brother, but left me behind. I don’t understand that. Why would she take him and leave me? It really hurt because I’ve always felt like she cared more for my brother, her first born. Even now she will give him money for Christmas and birthdays but just a card for me.

So I feel compassion for her but there’s always a ‘but’. I don’t know how to get past that. Maybe only time will help.