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Original poster

Am I wrong here? Can't tell anymore

27 replies

PiIsAReallyLongNumber · 14/03/2023 19:53

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now and quite early on there we're red flags that I ignored.
He had told me the first time we met, that he'd been separated from his ex for 3 years. The reality turned out to be actually they'd been "trying" up until a couple of months prior to him meeting me.
His ex lives in Italy with his child and as such there'd be messages back and forth between them. Completely understandable and to be honest, if there wasn't communication between them, I'd have had questions as to why not.
The problem was when I realised that he'd uninstalled WhatsApp from his computer and kept his phone permanently locked with screen notifications turned off.
I asked him why and if it was because he didn't want me to see anything and he, obviously, denied that was the case, he loves me and only me, yada yada yada. I let it go but eventually asked to see the messages, if there was nothing to hide then there shouldn't be a problem...
He gives me his phone and there's no messages. They've all been deleted. He then tries to tell me that she must've deleted them her end, ewhile I patiently explained to him that it doesn't work that way. If she'd deleted her end they would still be visible his end.
After around 40 minutes of him "having no idea" what had happened he finally came clean. He deleted them (duh!) Because she has sent him somthing along the lines of calling me something and he didn't want me to see them and get upset.
Firstly, I never see his messages because of the above, so his reason makes no sense and secondly, I couldn't give a shit what she called me. I've never met her and I probably never will, so why would I care?!
So...after a lot of talking, backwards and forwards, lots of thinking, him making promises to be 100% transparent, etc, I decided to move on.

Fast forward about a year.

He had been having some money problems due to losing his job. In this time I funded practically everything, but when he was able, he definitely contributed his share of bills etc. Not perfect but he was doing everything he could to get another job.
On the run up to Christmas I went to get the money that I had been stashing away for months, which is something I've always done, and it was gone.
I pretty much ripped the house apart looking for it and finally I found the pot it had been in. It was in his draw in the bathroom. Empty except for about 8 quid. There had been around 800 in there last time I checked.
Again he denies everything! He has no idea how the empty pot ended up in his stuff, he knows that I lose things regularly so maybe I had moved it and then forgot about it, etc. That 100% didn't happen!
I know that he took it. I also think he thought I'd never know because he was due a payout within a couple of weeks of me finding it gone. I truly believe that he planned to put it back and I'd be non the wiser. I fucked it up by going to use some of it!
So now he's left with deny, deny, deny. Which to this day he still does. He also can't see my problem because when he got this payout he gave it all to me, not because he took the money, but because he loves me and didn't like seeing me worry about money 🙄

So now we're here today.

Last night I saw a message from an ex gf of his friend inviting to her house this Wednesday after work. This is a friend that I've never even heard of. I asked him about it and he starts telling me that I'm crazy, it's my depression taking. I then remind him of his promise to be completely transparent and asK to see his phone so he gives it to me and I find messages about a weekend away with another female friend to watch the superbowl and him calling her his little sweetheart.

At this I told him to leave all while he's claiming that there's nothing untoward happening and it's all in my head, and that he's allowed friends.

My problem now is that I can't move past the previous lies and always assume he's lying.
There's no future is there?

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 14/03/2023 19:57

What did I just read.

Yes, just break up. I hoped in the middle of the tale when you said you'd "moved on" you meant you'd split up! You should've then, but now is the next best time.

category12 · 14/03/2023 19:59

He stole from you. He chases round after other women.

Of course there's no future with him.
Or not a happy one.

You can have a miserable one being lied to and stolen from and generally disrespected.

I think you can do better for yourself.

Haddie321 · 14/03/2023 20:02

Of course he is allowed friends.....but those women aren't friends. You need to leave him and move on, hes not worth anymore of your time

Pippa12 · 14/03/2023 20:05

I thought you’d very wisely ‘moved on’ after the deleted what’s app messages.

There is no future with a man that lies, cheats and steals from you.

This time, move on!

WunWun · 14/03/2023 20:10

If the whole whatsapp thing happened to me I would end it. If someone stole £800 from me and denied it I would end it. I've no idea how you're still considering keeping it going after both.

maryberryslayers · 14/03/2023 20:47

He's a liar, a cheat and a thief.

Get rid, move on with your life. Just be grateful you don't have kids with the sponging twat.

GreyCarpet · 15/03/2023 06:40

So now we're here today

Only because you have chosen to believe, or not believe but accept, his lies. Whichever.

You have a choice in this.

Your could just dump him 🤷🏻‍♀️

MaireadMcSweeney · 15/03/2023 06:46

Your depression is 100% caused by being in this relationship, I'd bet money on it.
Do the right thing for yourself and end it.

WhineWhineWINE · 15/03/2023 06:56

He is a liar, a cheat and a thief. He won't change. Get rid.

Ndd135632 · 15/03/2023 06:59

Huh? Did I really just read this. OP surely you know this is awful and you need to get rid now?

notthisagainforest · 15/03/2023 06:59

What the hell is wrong with you ? Is this even real. If it is you need to pack his stuff and Chuck it out the house. Change the locks and never have anything to do with him ever again. His a scumbag looser.

AgentJohnson · 15/03/2023 07:04

You are asking the wrong question, it should be why you chose to stay with somebody who is fundamentally dishonest?

WunWun · 15/03/2023 08:53

When you say about him denying it etc... you know you're not in court? You know there is no-one else that could have taken the money. You know its him. Why would you need evidence? Who do you need to prove it to?

Bookworm20 · 15/03/2023 17:00

There's no future is there?

Not a nice one, no.

ISeeTrees · 15/03/2023 17:47

No OP, there is no future. He's gaslighting you too. Time to move on properly, alone Flowers

emptythelitterbox · 15/03/2023 17:50

Good grief. Kick this lying thief out and change your locks.

Do it today!

Viviennemary · 15/03/2023 17:55

For a start he is a thief unless somebody else stole the money. I suppose it was hard for him if he lost his job and he was intending to put the money back. But there is no trust between you, time to call it a day.

category12 · 15/03/2023 18:01

Viviennemary · 15/03/2023 17:55

For a start he is a thief unless somebody else stole the money. I suppose it was hard for him if he lost his job and he was intending to put the money back. But there is no trust between you, time to call it a day.

Doesn't make it less of a theft. If he was desperate for money, he could have asked OP to help him. Given she's tolerated lots of rubbish from him, she might well have loaned him some money.

Just to take it is theft - and then to deny it endlessly and claim ignorance of how the nearly empty container was in his drawer is gaslighting on top of the theft.

piedbeauty · 15/03/2023 18:35

He stole from you!!

You don't trust him.

This is no relationship. End it and move on.

crossstitchingnana · 15/03/2023 20:10

And you shouldn't have to read his phone to feel reassured. I have been married 25 years and in that time I have never looked at my dh's phone (unless looking at a video after he's handed it to me). If he locked it I wouldn't mind, it's his phone.

That speaks volumes.

Oh and, I'll call it, he's gaslighting you.

OriginalUsername2 · 15/03/2023 20:20

I couldn’t be with someone who denied reality until he was blue in the face. It’s too ridiculous.

You're not the crazy one.

Fladdermus · 15/03/2023 20:29

Yes you're wrong. Wrong for giving this thieving, lying scumbag another chance. You know for a fact he's dishonest so why on earth would you ever trust him? And how can you have a loving, happy relationship with someone who you'll never trust (because he blew it)?

Natty13 · 15/03/2023 20:46

Your problem isn't that you can't move past his previous lies,your problem is that you WANT TO.

Use that money he stole then give back to get some therapy to work out why you want to keep a man who steals from, lies to and gaslights you to no end. Find your self worth.

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 20:56

PiIsAReallyLongNumber · 14/03/2023 19:53

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now and quite early on there we're red flags that I ignored.
He had told me the first time we met, that he'd been separated from his ex for 3 years. The reality turned out to be actually they'd been "trying" up until a couple of months prior to him meeting me.
His ex lives in Italy with his child and as such there'd be messages back and forth between them. Completely understandable and to be honest, if there wasn't communication between them, I'd have had questions as to why not.
The problem was when I realised that he'd uninstalled WhatsApp from his computer and kept his phone permanently locked with screen notifications turned off.
I asked him why and if it was because he didn't want me to see anything and he, obviously, denied that was the case, he loves me and only me, yada yada yada. I let it go but eventually asked to see the messages, if there was nothing to hide then there shouldn't be a problem...
He gives me his phone and there's no messages. They've all been deleted. He then tries to tell me that she must've deleted them her end, ewhile I patiently explained to him that it doesn't work that way. If she'd deleted her end they would still be visible his end.
After around 40 minutes of him "having no idea" what had happened he finally came clean. He deleted them (duh!) Because she has sent him somthing along the lines of calling me something and he didn't want me to see them and get upset.
Firstly, I never see his messages because of the above, so his reason makes no sense and secondly, I couldn't give a shit what she called me. I've never met her and I probably never will, so why would I care?!
So...after a lot of talking, backwards and forwards, lots of thinking, him making promises to be 100% transparent, etc, I decided to move on.

Fast forward about a year.

He had been having some money problems due to losing his job. In this time I funded practically everything, but when he was able, he definitely contributed his share of bills etc. Not perfect but he was doing everything he could to get another job.
On the run up to Christmas I went to get the money that I had been stashing away for months, which is something I've always done, and it was gone.
I pretty much ripped the house apart looking for it and finally I found the pot it had been in. It was in his draw in the bathroom. Empty except for about 8 quid. There had been around 800 in there last time I checked.
Again he denies everything! He has no idea how the empty pot ended up in his stuff, he knows that I lose things regularly so maybe I had moved it and then forgot about it, etc. That 100% didn't happen!
I know that he took it. I also think he thought I'd never know because he was due a payout within a couple of weeks of me finding it gone. I truly believe that he planned to put it back and I'd be non the wiser. I fucked it up by going to use some of it!
So now he's left with deny, deny, deny. Which to this day he still does. He also can't see my problem because when he got this payout he gave it all to me, not because he took the money, but because he loves me and didn't like seeing me worry about money 🙄

So now we're here today.

Last night I saw a message from an ex gf of his friend inviting to her house this Wednesday after work. This is a friend that I've never even heard of. I asked him about it and he starts telling me that I'm crazy, it's my depression taking. I then remind him of his promise to be completely transparent and asK to see his phone so he gives it to me and I find messages about a weekend away with another female friend to watch the superbowl and him calling her his little sweetheart.

At this I told him to leave all while he's claiming that there's nothing untoward happening and it's all in my head, and that he's allowed friends.

My problem now is that I can't move past the previous lies and always assume he's lying.
There's no future is there?

Get him out and change the locks immediately. Change all your passwords and get new bank cards. Completely block him on everything and get in to counselling to unpick it all. Don’t waste another day. He’s wasting your time

KateADM · 15/03/2023 21:00

rattlemehearties · 14/03/2023 19:57

What did I just read.

Yes, just break up. I hoped in the middle of the tale when you said you'd "moved on" you meant you'd split up! You should've then, but now is the next best time.

Same here regarding 'moved on'.

OP, you deserve so much better than a lying, cheating thief who thinks he can gaslight you. Please move on for real.

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