I would like opinions as to what I should do in this situation. Apologies in advance, it’s a long story.
What I’m going to write is all the “bad” stuff. There has been a lot of good stuff too and we get on very well in general. I’m not a downtrodden wife although this particular thing makes me feel like I’m being bullied.
In the early days of our relationship it was quite turbulent as he had a child and was suffering with poor mental health after an acrimonious split and lack of contact. He’d all of a sudden say he didn’t want to commit and wanted to split then he’d be back begging forgiveness and I’d go back.
Eventually things settled, contact resumed and has a brilliant relationship with his child (now adult). He ended up moving in to my rented place then he bought a place and I moved in there. He didn’t want me on his mortgage but I paid at least half of everything, did all the housework etc. I understood this as the acrimonious split involved lawyers over a house, but it did grate on me a bit.
A couple of years later I fell pregnant. We ended up getting married and bought a place together just after our son was born.
We had a night out when our son was 3, I ended up very drunk (on very little, it felt like I’d been spiked) and all I can remember was speaking to some guy at the front door of a local pub who gave me a light for a cigarette then him speaking to me when he came back in, husband not being happy, me being left on my own in the pub, making my way home and going to bed. Was told next day I’d said I’d had an affair with the guy! This is so ridiculous I can’t even imagine myself saying it, and certainly didn’t do it, I’ve never cheated and never would. But, because I was so drunk, actually felt like I’d been spiked, I couldn’t explain myself.
The aftermath from this went on for about 3 years. Husband going into huge huffs and almost having mental breakdowns and having to be persuaded and consoled. Some verbal abuse also started to creep in - about weight and appearance, and some questions about other nights out I had been on around that time. After lots of weeping and wailing on both sides it stopped. We moved to a different area a couple of years later and it started again and went on for about another year, then stopped again. I got pregnant again. Things have been good since then, our daughter is now 7, but unbelievably it has just started up again. His dad is very ill at the moment and he is in a low mood and he’s just gone into this “I keep thinking you’ve cheated on me” mode, withdrawn, not eating, mopey etc.
I don’t drink very much now and have noted argumentative behaviours from him when he drinks and twisting words etc which I pointed out and I now genuinely believe that he started the whole thing that evening and twisted anything I did say, or even dreamed it or just made it up. He has acknowledged this as being possible. I have therefore told him I won’t be drawn into any conversations about it as it’s been done to death and it’s ridiculous.
I don’t feel I can keep going through this though. He says he knows deep down I haven’t cheated and it’s more his own guilt at some of the things he’s said and done to me that’s getting him down but it’s affecting our relationship and the atmosphere in the home.
Should I be supporting him and trying to work through it as it does seem to be a genuine(?) mental health thing, or is it the end of the road - I feel it’s the latter because I know it’s not in the slightest bit healthy, but it makes me so sad to think of that as it’s not always like this.