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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP OVER WHY AM I DEVASTATED

15 replies

DINGDONG23 · 14/03/2023 16:10

Just as the title suggests I have ended a 10 year toxic relationship today as it was seriously messing with my head. I know it's for the best but why am I so sad.
Tell me it gets better please

OP posts:
SleepySlumber · 14/03/2023 16:36

Toxic relationships are like drug addictions - the most difficult to overcome but the most dangerous for you. In time you’ll feel so much relief but initially it’s like a withdrawal and you’ll feel awful. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t go back!

Justmeandthedog1 · 14/03/2023 16:55

And we grieve for what could have been, what we think we should have had.
You’re processing the break up, what was said, what was done. You need to allow time for this. As pp said, be kind to yourself and look after you.

Watchkeys · 14/03/2023 17:03

Can you work out what it was the relationship did for you when it was really good? That's what you will have always been hoping would come back whilst you endured the toxicity, and that's what you're having to grieve now: the possibility of your partner returning to Mr/s Amazing.

Whorulestheroost · 14/03/2023 17:16

I feel your pain as I am in the same boat too. Together for 7 years. It was a relationship that turned me toxic too. I should never have let it get so far looking back. Lots of issues with me trusting him and making me feel very insecure, jealous and possessive. I finally realised when he went out on a works thing a few weeks back and I was vile to him and I realised that I hated who I had become. I had good reason to feel the lack of trust when he accidentally sent me a message meant for another woman on IG a few years ago, then I found his profile on an internet dating site last year whilst we were very much married. I was not great in so many ways either but the lack of trust was killing me slowly and like I said I was beginning to not recognise myself anymore. I was never a jealous type before in my previous 16 year marriage.

I am still gutted though, as of course I still love him. I just keep reminding myself that one day the feelings will subside and that I might even begin to like myself again.

Why was yours toxic?

Macaroni46 · 14/03/2023 17:39

When I left my abusive ExH I felt devastated and would often just sob. I sought counselling and the counsellor said it was all the pent up hurt and injustice I'd been carrying around for 21 years. I wasn't convinced at the time but what I can say is, the pain did pass and now, 5 years later, my life is so much better.
Be strong OP. You've done the right thing and you'll get through this last part too. It is hard, really hard but you can do it. Flowers

Johnisafckface · 14/03/2023 18:50

SleepySlumber · 14/03/2023 16:36

Toxic relationships are like drug addictions - the most difficult to overcome but the most dangerous for you. In time you’ll feel so much relief but initially it’s like a withdrawal and you’ll feel awful. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t go back!

This.

I just recently got out of a 10 year long toxic relationship (off and on the last 7 years or so). We both admitted that we were "addicted" to each other and we'd become habits for each other. So finally we called it quits (for the 5011th time) for good recently.

This time it doesn't hurt as badly. But previously it really hurt a lot and I was sad/down for weeks. This time I'm thinking of it as withdrawal period - go cold turkey, which is always tough but then slowly over time the sadness will slowly dissipate and the "need" to talk/see him will disappear.

Supersands · 14/03/2023 18:56

I think toxic relationships are addictive. Read up on attachment and you may start to realise more of what you need in future. I think that spark is often toxic in a normal relationship maybe you are less likely to feel it?

DINGDONG23 · 14/03/2023 20:26

@Whorulestheroost Probably nearly the same as you I do not like the person I have become always wondering what will come next the ignoring or the love bombing. I realised today after another huff that I need to be away from this shit lucky I have my own house. But even after I still want to talk to him but I will not give in this time

OP posts:
Whorulestheroost · 14/03/2023 20:38

Similar to @Johnisafckface we have split up soooo many times. Last year after the internet profile we split for 4 months and it was agony, I was absolutely gutted but this time I feel done. I think you have to look at it and really question where you see the future? For me I know we will always be in a cycle of toxic shit with me being the bad guy with my insecurity. It does not stop it hurting like crazy though it is hard to let go of somebody you love but it does become an addictive habit. Try and go absolutely no contact if you can, we havent been in touch now for over a week and it is really helping not drag it out and cast doubt over the decision.

DINGDONG23 · 14/03/2023 20:41

@Whorulestheroost I have deleted everything so going to go no contact. It’s so hard but I keep thinking in a months time it won’t feel so bad

OP posts:
Cupofteaaa5 · 14/03/2023 20:43

Oh gosh, I feel your pain. I left my toxic, alcoholic ex multiple times and kept going back because I was so devastated, even though he was emotionally abusive.

Impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been through it, but toxic relationships can be completely addictive. I had a really volatile, chaotic relationship with my ex but it was like a drug, I just couldn't stay away. One day he treated me like crap, the next I was treated like a queen. I think it's that the good days were so good, that I stayed through the bad, and missed him so much afterwards.

Give yourself time. You'll get there. And don't go back!!!

LilLilLi · 14/03/2023 21:15

Do some reading on trauma bonds and the cycle of abuse.

I split with my toxic ex too many times to count, I used to feel like I was dying and couldn’t go a day without breaking and contacting him. I ended it, for good, some months ago and although he has occasionally popped back up declaring his undying love for me and promising the earth, I’m no longer interested. I deserve far, far better and actually i’d rather be alone and at peace than with him.

You are addicted to the highs and lows, you are withdrawing but I promise if you stick with it you’ll come out the other side. Don’t waste years more of your life.

A very wise poster @thefoundations gave me lots of advice when I posted under another user name and even a year on it’s been invaluable. One of the posts that stuck with me was all of the anxiety I was feeling, all the confusion was because it was my body literally rejecting him. Like how your body physically reacts when you get food poisoning trying to flush it all out, that was emotionally what was happening to me. He was literally a poison to me.

It will be hard, it will feel impossible and your brain will focus on the good times you had but you can do it.

You have to do it. What’s the alternative?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/03/2023 07:33

Its very hard
journaling really helps

what was goodness and you are mourning ?
how Much time was spent stressing ?
what were the major 🚩 ?

helps to make lists and ruminate

but it’s still hard ! It’s like an injury and it will take a lot of time to heal
and it’s not linear either

and there is no alternative as a PP said

i felt like I went from 💯 anxious to 💯 sad

but I’m getting better and it’s going to take a while x

Confused686 · 15/03/2023 10:08

I feel for you. I was also in a difficult relationship for 6 years.
Why feeling devastated?
They were part of your life, day in and day out. You'd see and hear them each day. You have memories, many of them good. You cooked for them, cared for them, went to bed and woke up together. They were an integral part if your life.

If the relationship was toxic you did the right thing.

Steps for moving forward...
Tell others about your situation and feelings- trusted friends, the samaritans, mumsnet. Get it off your chest.
Date yourself- do things you like but the partner found boring.
Treat yourself- new clothing, nice food, fav tv shows
Meet up with fam and friends.
Indulge your hobbies and make new ones eg socia media, insta for something to do in the evenings
Work overtime to be around people
Get on dating sites. Prob too early to date but might help you realisehow beautuful you are and it's nice to chat to people.
Keep a journal of how your feeling and keep a prayer diary. It s good looking back even a month previous and seeing how you have grown as a person.
Get rid of their things and change things around a bit/decorate
God bless you

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/03/2023 16:14

Confused686

lovely post ! And I’ve done a lot of this and it helps xxx
plus exercise

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