Hi, so im a guy, i dont wan to hide that i just really need your help, to help understand what i'm going through, i expect you all to tarnish me and probably crucify me but i have a few questions i feel only a women can answer. Im gonna make this post a little long so apologies, but it is important that i provide context.
So to summarise ive been with my wife for 13 years, Married for 10, i Love her when i met her, still love her today, she was a little more conservative than me, actually we are from an asian background , she was still not allowed out as much etc, my family were always very liberal so we always did what we want, she was a virgin and stayed that way until marriage even though i wanted more. I was obese may i add but we were the same age and i made her laugh i thought i had hit the jack pot.
At the beginning she wasn't so cold, we genuinely fell in love, i feel i showed her many amazing things as she did me, we travelled the world and supported each other, i realised after the first few years that i needed more sexually/ intimately, my wife wasn't willing to do more, even hugging or spooning was mostly out of the question, we had kids, we went through a lot of issues with them and we are so positive that they flourished, we were there for each other, but still i needed more from her.
eg i would go down on her, she would orgasm and then poush me a way, with no thought for me, her attempts at satisfying me were not great and it just seemed she didn't care, at the same time all her friends would end up abused or divorced and they would require more from her, she would go out more and more, making me feel really lonely, i alsoway thought of myself as a cool successful and interesting person but this loneliness was making me depressed, i did some stupid things and met some ladies that i paid for, i know you will all kill me but the context is important for me to get clear view of what i need to do going forward, then one day i would be abroad and i would meet a very pretty foreign lady, regretfully we had sex, it was amazing sex the kind that was very rare with my wife as her constant inhibitions would just hold her back, she didn't have those inhibitions when she was out with the girls till 6 am etc. So i kept in touch with the lady and throughout lockdown would message her, she made me feel alive and free, she took interest in me, it felt good. It was wrong i was lonely it filled a gap i only ever saw her once.
She caught me.. Printed all my messages out.. I came clean, i left the house, respectively fro 1 month, changed my diet, joined the gym, banned myself from any other ladies, im not saying im good what i did was wrong so wrong but i tried as hard as i could, did counciulling all i could, lost 20 kg in the end, was happy in myself for the first time.
I thought we had cleared it, we went on a few trips away, things were getting good, then 9 months later we are in a dif country for a friends wedding and my wife was sleeping, her friend called on ft and i spoke to her on her phone innocently but drunk i went in to her insta and i saw some dirtty messages, stuff that she would never say to me, it broke me straight away, i woke her and confronted her, she promised me it was a lie even got her friend involved to say thy were joking, this guy had come up a lot previously they always referred to him as a "loser." SO i believed her, and thought we had managed to finally get to the optimum place but i had knot in my stomach still.,
4 months later she is away and i actually stumbled up on her old phone, i stupidly turned it on and she was still on insta, guess what, it was all plain to see, full on affair, " I told you i loved you first" etc , car meets, hotel meets the lot, the stuff i would dream off from her, she even said to him " you did things to me that i have never felt before and i will never forget that. :( the stuff that would of always kept me with her, its not what she did, its the lie and the fact she went back after i once had already asked her, its nearly a year on now and il feel still lost, i forgave her i do feel insecure i do feel unattractive.
she tells me it was all mistake, he got under her skin as she was vulnerable, it was exciting, i get it. Im still the idiot who lets her go out as a believe in free will, i still put her above me, i cant believe still that she did this , she still doesn't comunicate and tell me where she is sometimes,( I asked after one am to tellme where she goes as i wake up often and get anxiety, i think its only fair, is htis unreasonable? she tells me she is often drunk and will never be able to do that :( )i do believe her but where does respect start, since my indiscretions i have paid for her surgeries, holidays , clothes, handbags, random flowers, new car ,lingerie, jewellery everything i could dream of and all i want is her love, is it still wrong she thinks its ok to be out super late and not tell me where she is ? What can i do to make her see me? I will always love her and my kids and truthfully i dont want to leave my home, im so lost how do i approach this ? when i say going out i mean partying till after 5 am once a week, 1/2 am once a week and possibly one or 2 dinners thrown in (all with friends) , we dont sit down for dinners, she never comes up with a plan, i feel im worth it, does she not see shes losing me! Am i just over the top?