Making peace with Mother Daughter relationship

[ftmceejay]

I'm becoming more and more aware that I need to make some sort of peace with my relationship with my mother - perhaps it's something to do with getting closer to having my first child (due June), or noticing family gatherings are oddly strained... I think I need to find closure.

Warning, long, rambling story 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wouldn't describe my childhood as bad - I was lucky enough to get good grades (initially), play lots of sports and be able to attend clubs. I was selected as 'Gifted and Talented' - which was quite a point of pride for my parents, but meant nothing to me. My Mum had grand plans of me becoming a vet - I would have been more comfortable with veterinary nursing (and the required grades) but that wasn't good enough in her books and she told me to my face. I had a mental breakdown around 15/16, which I finally got help for at 18/19 with therapy and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Needless to say, didn't get anywhere near the grades needed for veterinary, and went into journalism instead (this was not a good career option iny Mums book!).

I've come a long way since my breakdown by putting in the work, but I did this all off my own back. Looking back now, I had started struggling with stress after GCSE exams and it somewhat spiralled. Skipping over the details, I vividly remember early on breaking down in front of my parents one day and begging them for help. Unfortunately this fell on deaf ears. My parents were born in the 1950's (not really an excuse, but gives context maybe?), from traditional families, and were very dismissive of my mental health and subsequent issues as well as general emotional well-being. They didn't help me so I did what I could - which was go to a nurse at my GP and profess my suicidal thoughts. Throughout the therapy I was provided, I drove myself, did my 'homework', but my parents never took much interest.

Needless to say, I moved out when I could financially support myself after university (nothing glamorous, moved to a very run down house and a very badly paying job, but I was out of the family home and a good 1hr 1/2 away). In the year I was there, I think they visited twice, whereas I would make the effort to visit them on a monthly basis.

Luckily I found myself in a good, positive relationship with my now husband, moved in with him - again just over an hour from my parents, but very rarely saw them over the following 6 years. We got married last summer, a very DIY event and I thought it might be an opportunity to encourage a better mother-daughter relationship (if teen movies and TV shows are anything to go by). We went dress shopping - Mum was late, talked the whole time about a recent operation she'd had in excruciating detail (it was planned, successful and she'd already told me all about it in the phone, so I guess it was for the seamstresses ears...) - it was all very underwhelming as an experience, but at least I found a lovely dress.

On my hen do (a quiet Airbnb on the coast sort of do), my mum came into the living room on the first morning in front of all my friends and family in law, very obviously having been crying, I took her into another room to find out what the problem was - got told my uncle has terminal leukemia. My sister-in-law (who had organised the do, and was present when my mum had been called by my uncle) had told my mum not to tell me, so as not to spoil the next few days. Unfortunately Mum didn't listen and did a very good job of really ruining the party mood. I found a few weeks later the cancer wasn't as bad as she'd made out - my uncle had explained that the treatment is working and he's as likely to die from the leukemia as he would anything else. So in fact, news that could have waited till we were home. At this event she also presented my pregnant friend with a huge gift box - my (somewhat shy) friend felt very awkward and joked 'I hope I'm not the only one you've bought a present for' (she was). Funnily enough I've still not received a pregnancy gift box.... 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Since moving out, myself and my parents can go for long periods of time without reaching out to one another - something I know works both ways. We'll see each other maybe every other month and every month or so Mum might call me to make some seriously awkward small talk (since I lost my horse last summer, we seem to have very little, if no common ground). Since the wedding, my parents haven't made the effort to come to visit me - each time I have driven to them (including my birthday).

At the most recent gathering, one of the first things my Mum said to me was 'I really miss seeing you'. To which I replied in a jokey way - 'what's stopping you coming over to visit then?' She didn't respond. I work away frequently with my job and so weekends at home are something to be cherished - whereas both my parents are retired so have a relatively free calendar in comparison. Something my parents are both guilty of is providing financial support over emotional support. This makes me feel uncomfortable as I don't like being 'in debt' to them. On this occasion, my mum brought along a haul of clothes and baby bits and bobs she'd gotten off eBay. I gratefully received them, but (and I know this sounds very ungrateful to say) it was a bit of a quantity over quality thing and seemed to be her way of making up for the lack of motherly support she'd given over the last 6 months. All I've had in the way of pregnancy advice was her telling me not to get an epidural and to keep it as natural as possible. I guess I shouldn't be surprised - when I first got my period, my Mum shouted at me (it was bad timing in her books - I was meant to be going swimming training) that I could now get pregnant, and to put in a tampon - dusty old box of her non applicator tampons thrown into bathroom after me. Queue much crying, bit of pain and a not very fun game of 'what the hell do I actually do with this cotton monstrosity'.

My brother (who lives much closer to home) had his first baby during Covid, and then, very naturally I suppose, my retired parents have provided and continue to provide a lot of childcare, something they've told my also pregnant sister-in-law they will do for thier second baby, as well as mine (my Mum is yet to mention any of this to me). As I feel I'm too far away for ferrying my child to and from before work, I plan on looking at local nursery options and altering my work pattern - just working it out as we go. Equally, I don't feel they are necessarily the best option for my child - seeing as I harbour much resentment towards my parents!

A few other final points:

• We regularly use to go on family holidays but my invitations over the last 3 or so years seem to have vanished - it is just my parents and brothers family that go together now. Bit of a kick in the nethers!
• For reasons I won't go into, my Mum has experienced a few panic attacks recently and turned to me for help - interesting how things change when the shoe is on the other foot. I've always provided help when I can, sent her books that helped me and pointed her towards other advice and resources. I try not to hold it against her that she did none of this for me.
• At my wedding and for a good few months afterwards, she tried to make out that one of my flower girls (niece on husband's side) ruined the day as she spent the morning while getting ready, screaming the house down. I had a great wedding day and didn't let this get to me, so not sure why she's trying to make such a thing of it.
• Also at my wedding, it was a very relaxed affair, but we had a top table. My parents had to be asked to sit at thier actual seats so we could kick things off, managed to sit there for the speeches, then left straight after to go and sit on a table to talk to other family and friends. My parents-in-law on the other hand, were very good eggs and stayed in thier seats until the meal and speeches were over.
• When my horse (who I'd cherished for 10 years) died, my parents sent nothing - all I received were flowers from my sister-in-law.

I know this is a strange selection of encounters/events and really, I'm not sure what I'm expecting from posting here, but feels good to get it off my chest in a way.

Equally, my husband has (what I would consider) a far more normal relationship with his parents, and doesn't really know what to say when I'm feeling down about the whole thing.

Are all parent relationships a bit weird and I'm being unreasonable expecting more?
Do I just continue with the vague ambivalence and just see what happens?
How do I make sure I don't alienate my child in the way I feel my Mum does to me?
Any book recommendations that look at the mother daughter relationship?

I think not hoping for more, not expecting more, can be helpful. I've done that with mine for years and it does help. Another thing that helped me - and it might not be the case for you - was a book on Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. My mum fails to see things from anyone else's point of view, she can behave very oddly and often upsets me (though she probably doesn't realise) but knowing that she doesn't have the ability to be different does help! We expect our mothers to give us so much and feel short changed when we don't get it. I now look for "maternal support" from my friends who are good at it, rather than my actual mum who is not.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. I recognise so much of what you've written, and it stings. Be kind to yourself and try and get your needs met by people who are able to.

Oh and so you won't do this to your child. You've had very good training in what not to do!

My parents were born in the 1950's (not really an excuse, but gives context maybe?)

Db was born in 53. He continously helps his son with his mental health.

I was born in 63 and Dh in 59. We’ve totally supported all our kids with any mental health issues. Including paying for counselling, picking up the pieces, listening endlessly. It’s very hard work and can be upsetting.

Your parents lack of support is due to them as people, not how old they are. My DM born in 1925 helped me with problems in my life.

I had a rubbish dm. She made for a rubbish dgm. Don't expect her to morph into Mary Poppins when your dc arrives. I bet your db has lower expectations than he deserves op and that's why dm has him around. She can be her awful self...
I found it too awkward having an adult dd /dm relationship - she continued to make me feel rubbish like as a dc.
Haven't seen her for best part of 20 years.

Some of the stuff you’ve posted about doesn’t sound great, some sounds relatively normal… but there are a couple of things you’ve posted that makes me wonder whether your expectations are too high in terms of support from your mother as an adult. Relationships are never like those portrayed on TV shows - real humans are messy and complicated.

I genuinely don’t know anyone who would expect to receive flowers etc on the death of an animal.

The example you gave about your hen party… your mother was facing up to the loss of her brother. Should she have been expected to put her fears to one side for another adult’s party?

I know you’ve said you’ve had therapy before. Do you think you would benefit from it again?

I wouldn't describe my childhood as bad - I was lucky enough to get good grades (initially), play lots of sports and be able to attend clubs.

Don't mistake material comfort for good parenting.
Your parents (esp your mother, but your dad stood by & let it happen) pushed you into a nervous breakdown over the grades they wanted you to strive for, then refused to support you when you needed recovery care.
Your mother's impatience with you starting your period "at the wrong time" is indicative of how she cannot view you as a human in your own right - just an extension of herself who has to be made to perform to her satisfaction.

This, plus the wedding dress shopping & hen night behaviours scream "Cluster B personality disorder". Making everything about herself, triangulating you against your pregnant friend, ensuring she ruined the occasion with exaggerated reports of your uncle's illness (which she had been asked to keep to herself for the duration) ...
See also her refusal to allow you to follow your own chosen path of vet nurse, & how her helicopter parenting over the academics destroyed your mental health in your teens.

You are wise not to look to her for childcare - & making peace with the relationship can include you being content to keep her at arms length & Grey Rock her to keep her nonsense to a minimum.
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#offer-nothing

I also think you;d do really well to book some therapy with a professional with bags of experience with dysfunctional family relationships & the effects of personality disordered mothers on their daughters.
For immediate comfort, information & advice though - access Dr Ramani, she will give you a seriously comprehensive insight into the behaviour patterns you have been navigating all your life, & the warped view of parent-child relationships that was handed down to you - https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani

I recognise a lot of what you've said from my own experiences. My son is five now and my mum has been very involved and offered a lot of practical help, I think she is maybe unconsciously trying to make up for the things that went wrong between her and me throughout my childhood and early adulthood. She is very overbearing and controlling though, and if I had my time again I would have kept her more at arms length.
Something I read recently really resonated with me and has helped a lot - don't expect emotional support from someone who is emotionally unstable themselves. I wish I had realised this 20 years ago and lowered my expectations.
Good luck. It is hard going into parenting when the example you've been set by your own parents isn't great, and random things will trigger you. You won't be perfect but you'll have learnt from what happened to you and you won't repeat the same mistakes.

I've a similar DM here. Maybe I was lucky that I was written off early on in my schooling by parents and they pushed the smarter siblings to achieve.

Anyway, what you'll find is that as you progress through motherhood you'll invariably compare with things in your own childhood - in my case it was eye-opening. I'd look at things I do for my DS that would be entirely normal things any parent would do and wonder why it was never done by them.

True to form, she's as similar a grandmother as she was a mother. Loves the idea of the role but puts fuck all energy or effort into it. Despite me giving up every single day off I had for several years to help her as dad's carer, the first time I had an emergency and needed help with DS, she refused to help. She's helped all my siblings with their kids but never ever helped me. So I quickly learned to not even ask. Still, now she's the one that needs driving to appointments, I always offer. She asks after DS, and that's her grandmothering done.

I'm still a work in progress. I would say I'm dutiful as a DD should be, but I wouldn't be close to her. Chat is superficial and I don't confide in her. I don't admire or respect her. But she's my mum and she's old now. I focus on being a better mum to DS than my mum was to me.