Mother's Day - very fractured relationship with mother

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As above, my relationship with her is very difficult. She is a classic narc and my DD is an enabler. I get on ok with him and he is interested in his grandchildren at least. I had something happen over the last few years which was very stressful and I have had a lot of support from friends and my DH but not from them, she considered me to have a large responsibility in it and therefore, caused stress, sleepless nights, worry to her....

I communicate with my DD, he is interested in DS's sports and likes to watch but he can't this weekend. Building up to point of my thread!

There is no contact between me and her so do I A send a very plain Mother's Day card, I mean essentially a blank card with no cheesy verse. Or B do I do nothing? If I do B, I will be evil, hurtful blah blah but I am always wrong anyway! If I send A, maybe with a comment like: sad we can't seem to manage a relationship, sending love... Then I think I am being the bigger person at least.

What do you think? Maybe not relevant but I had a health scare a few weeks ago and she was in touch (obvs she had a sleepless night through worry!!) but was nice. Soon as she found out I was ok, nothing. I had told my dad I had been referred to a psychiatrist due to the trauma of the last few years: he was really worried, nothing from her.

You can find non gushy mother's Day cards, it is like finding a needle in a haystack but they're out there.
I find a simple happy mother's day one is easier than a blank generic card where you have to then write the word mother inside.
Iyswim

Just do that and leave it at that I'd advise.

I would do the same as you do every year. PS post card today, if you are going to, as post delays are awful at the moment.

I would not send her a Mother’s Day card. No contact is precisely that. If you were to write those sorts of comments to your mother like in example A it’s like a red rag to a bull. Your dad is her enabler and has also failed you as a parent here by failing to protect you from the excesses of his wife’s behaviour. He has and will continue to throw you under the bus here.

Funky pigeon have some non gushy cards.

No contact is no contact.

Or do you mean minimal contact? In which case, find a nice non-gushy card, write "Have a lovely day" in it, job done. Don't write any messages about your relationship, they won't magically mean she sees the error of her ways.

Hmm hard to say, as in she did contact me when she heard about my test results but then nothing. So not exactly no comment but close to. And I don't really know why contact stopped: she had a row with my DH (he was sticking up for me, how dare he!!) and then didn't send him a birthday card.

Yes the comment would be a bad idea, and I am not bloody sad! More I don't want to give her even more reason to think I am wrong...

I send a moonpig card, blank inside so I write happy mothers day from me.
Have it sent, so can't complain or moan to anyone that listens to her BS.

I send a very non committal one. I get quite sad looking through them so usually buy two at once to minimise it.

Send her one that says "with all the love you deserve" or something similar, job done. You've ticked the box.

I guess the question is, do you want a relationship going forward? And which option would be easier for you to cope with?

At a point, it becomes about you and your wellbeing and about being as okay as you can be for your dc. You have to put yourself first.

If you have no relationship and you don't want one, I'd be inclined to do nothing. I don't send my mum anything for mother's day and haven't for years. If you feel it would be easier on you and let you just get on with enjoying YOUR day to send a generic card, do that, sign it, no message inside, job done.

I personally wouldn't add any passive aggressive sounding messages as it just pokes the sleeping bear. Towards the end, my mum's communication with me was a lot of 'Thinking of you, hope you're doing well, even though you never speak to me! Love you!' or the last one was 'I got the dc Christmas presents again, for the 3rd year in a row, and I'll put them away in a box like I always do because you refuse to let me send them. Happy Christmas!' 🙄Be the bigger person and rise any snide jabs if you are going to reach out...or just don't do it. Most importantly though, enjoy your day as a family.

Thanks all very much. I don't really want a relationship but partly as I can't see how there could be without recrimination. If we could just get on, that would be ok but the judgement, the jibes etc would get to me.

I have bought a plain card from funky pigeon and will just sign it.

Thank you again.

Mother's Day is not a compulsory obligation, so probably better to ignore it completely.

We are very low contact with one side of the family - we get a generic boring card from moonpig/funky pigeon and type a generic message inside and it’s sent direct from them. The typed message tends to send her into a spin ‘because it’s so impersonal’, but we don’t really care anymore.

It's hard isn't it. You're feeling the powerful societal pull.of making things look okay. Not sending her a card is nothing compared to the ways she has neglected/abused you but because you grew up steeped in guilt and shame the thought of not even posturing in this way triggers such angst. What we're all working towards, those of us with the same backstory, is to be authentic and hold our inner child front and foremost.