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Relationships

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Original poster

Not living together after 3 years

25 replies

Confuzzled28 · 13/03/2023 19:55

Hi all,

I just wanted some external insight on whether I am right to want to live alone (for now). I’m in my mid-20s, he’s in his late 30s. I’ve been in education for a long time, and have just started in a fairly prestigious but currently low-paying career, and have hardly any savings. He’s a successful businessman with considerable financial assets and a secondary job.

He wants to live with me but in a fairly upmarket area, close to his job and business. In that scenario, renting with him would be affordable but would wipe out any disposable income, and I would be living hand to mouth for a couple of years until I got a salary increase. In a second scenario, he has offered to give me money towards a deposit in this upmarket area, however I wouldn’t want to be indebted to him like that, especially since our relationships has had lots of ups and downs.

Am I being unreasonable to want to live in an area that is more affordable for me, even if it means we can’t live together?

I feel like I’m constantly putting off living with him, but I don’t want to (1) live hand to mouth, with no disposable income and no savings, or (2) be indebted to my boyfriend.

OP posts:

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 22:01

Can you just clarify whether the intention is to buy or rent.
Is this really about finances, because if it is you could split the cost pro rata to your income.
If you would prefer to live on your own that's fine too.

Triffid1 · 13/03/2023 22:14

Does he expect you to pay half of this upmarket home? The only way it works is if you are paying the same or less than you currently do.

But perhaps more importantly, you shouldn't move in with someone unless you want to. Ans.you don't. If.the relationships.is volatile, perhaps your cold feet are grounded in common sense.

Sunnygirl07 · 13/03/2023 22:21

I would move in with him and pay % so I can have some of my own money too.

Sunnygirl07 · 13/03/2023 22:22

Do you want to get married & have a baby/children together eventually?

Sunnygirl07 · 13/03/2023 22:23

I would take money from him for my own deposit too as an option & pay him back.

It's not a problem for me whatsoever.

Where is your business thinking? :)

Asummersday · 13/03/2023 22:25

He doesnt really sound like the love of your life tbh….moving in is meant to be a magical moment imo .so option 3. Ditch!

YouTarzan · 13/03/2023 22:27

You don’t need an excuse to not live with him. You are young. Him? In the prime if his life right now, but in ten years time? Not so much. Mid twenties Is very young to tie yourself down to some middle aged businessman, unless you really, really want to.

RunTowardsTheLight · 13/03/2023 22:30

If you want to live with him and you agree to split the rent in proportion to what you both earn, I don't think you should feel indebted to him - lots of couples do this.

If you don't want to live with him yet, that's fine too. DH and I had been together for nearly 6 years before we moved in together. We were young like you and didn't want to tie ourselves down earlier!

Var57 · 13/03/2023 22:32

Tell us more about the 'Lots of ups and downs'.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/03/2023 22:42

So you could rent with him which would wipe out your income

He will give you money for a deposit... on a shared property?

Neither of these options sound good tbh
Especially as you have 'ups and downs'

He's not the one is he

Sunnygirl07 · 14/03/2023 09:12

Buying is an investment and it is Always better than renting.

Sunnygirl07 · 14/03/2023 09:16

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/03/2023 22:42

So you could rent with him which would wipe out your income

He will give you money for a deposit... on a shared property?

Neither of these options sound good tbh
Especially as you have 'ups and downs'

He's not the one is he

Moving in is not always a magical moment for everyone as time is needed to adjust to each other's living at home ways, ruitine & habits.

My lady friend says after 18 years of marriage her probably OCD (He has never been diagnosed:)) DH still bullies her for opening the blinds not correctly, not under the right angle. Otherwise, they are happy together:).

whattodo1975 · 14/03/2023 09:22

Isn't the point of having a rich older boyfriend so that he can pay for things you cant ? Say you will live with him in the upmarket place, but costs have to be split releative to your salaries (eg he does the heavy lifting).

Personally i would look to end the relationship and meet someone closer to your own age/career stage as you are always going to feel a power imbalance with him.

Sunnygirl07 · 14/03/2023 09:22

YouTarzan · 13/03/2023 22:27

It's very young in the west and a norm in Eastern Europe.

Modern society gets it very wrong by brainwashing women to concentrate on their careers only for decades so they can miss out on a chance to have a baby if they originally wanted to become mothers. It's often too late and they missed their chance.

whattodo1975 · 14/03/2023 09:24

I'd also say that with the comments about "ups & downs" is that you actually would prefer to be out of the relationship and you are using the housing situation as a possible way out.

Sunnygirl07 · 14/03/2023 09:25

2 of my cousins both 47 years old never thought they would be childless but they left it too late.

They haven't even done well in their career either. So waiting was such a waste of time for them.

YouTarzan · 14/03/2023 10:03

Well yes, I am sure that does happen. But I left it till mid 30's to settle down. Did well in my career in my 20s, had a child. Its great. If I'd had a child in my 20s I know I would have resented it, and the loss of freedom. I can't imagine anything worse than settling down with the wrong person, and being tied to them with a baby!

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/03/2023 13:57

I think this sounds like your starter relationship. If I were you, I would leave him and mix with people your own age who are at the same point in life as you. It sounds as though you've been very successful academically but he wants you to live like he does, which is impossible.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 14/03/2023 14:03

The whole point of much older man is that he pays for everything.
You did this whole thing wrong.
He gets the young body and starry eyes, but you don’t even get a fancy lifestyle!

Dery · 14/03/2023 14:19

So if you’ve been together 3 years already, he, as a man in his mid-30s, decided to get involved with a woman in her early 20s. I’m always sceptical of men who do that; as was discussed on another thread, there are power imbalances in such relationships that you won’t have been aware of. Probably at least part of the reason for the ups and downs. And yet funnily enough, he wants the kind of lifestyle which a woman closer to him in age would be much better placed to sustain.

Anyway, why are you remaining in a relationship that has experienced lots of ups and downs? That’s a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. A good relationship doesn’t have lots of ups and downs; it just has the occasional bump along the way. It really sounds like you should be walking away from this and finding someone closer to you in age and expectations.

Liveafr · 14/03/2023 14:24

If your relationship has a lots of ups and downs, I don't think it's wise to think about buying property together...

Ponderingwindow · 14/03/2023 14:40

If you get to the point in a relationship where you are are ready to live together, but aren’t ready to integrate finances, then it has to be on the lower earners terms. I don’t even agree with the idea that it should be proportional to income. That can still leave the lower earner in an inappropriate financial position because the total is set too high. The final budget has to be comfortable for the lower earner.

If you can afford 500 towards housing and decide to split bills 50:50, then the two of you have to find a place that costs 1000. If you have a 20:80 split on income, you could go to 2500, but honestly, I would be nervous about signing a lease that was so out of proportion with what I could afford solo.

so basically, I think you are right to be hesitant to move forward. Unless you feel compelled to live with this man, it isn’t necessary and only introduces risk to your financial future.

NowAAT · 14/03/2023 14:54

No don't do it OP.

he has offered to give me money towards a deposit in this upmarket area
Big red flag if the relationship doesn't work out and you're wanting to sell. He can always argue he should get a bigger percentage.

Ups and downs? What exactly do you mean? Anyways you really shouldn't be moving in (renting or buying) if you're relationship has a lot of ups and downs.

Original poster

Confuzzled28 · 14/03/2023 20:12

It’s probably wrong to say that there’s been “lots” of ups and down, but we’ve had recurring issues, primarily a mismatched sex drive, and a difference in the way we see our future. I’m not sure whether I want children and I certainly don’t want them in the next 5-10 years, whereas he is pretty sure that he wants children.

OP posts:

Original poster

Confuzzled28 · 14/03/2023 20:16

Thanks for all your advice everyone. It’s a difficult situation. We’ve been together a long time and have a lot in common, and we care about each other a lot. But I’m really hesitant to throw all my finances into renting, along with continued sex drive problems. I’d prefer to continue living in my parents’ house where I have more chance of saving up for a deposit and/or rent somewhere far more cheap (although that would rule out him living with me, because his job is based too far away from the cheaper areas).

OP posts:

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