Is this destined for disaster?

[DatingHating]

I have what appears to be a good friendship with a guy. We've know each other a few months. It very often enters into FWB territory but inconsistent. He has big issues with anxiety and on a few occasions when drunk he has said he has deeper feelings. Nothing to gain from this so he's not saying it to get something.

He doesn't have a good relationship history so expects to get hurt etc so typically tends to sabotage things first. We actually get on really well and I have not had issues with his behaviours that typically mess up his relationships. Obviously I would not develop things further unless he can express these feelings sober.

How likely is it that these feelings are genuine and worth pursuing. When people have big issues with anxiety does alcohol help speak the truth as such or is it just as likely he is talking crap? It sounds so genuine and like he actually is scared to say it.

There are millions of available, emotionally continent men on the planet.

Why shackle yourself to one who cannot discuss his feelings, who sabotages relationships, & who needs to get pissed to say anything affectionate?

We actually get on really well and I have not had issues with his behaviours that typically mess up his relationships.
You will have.
Don;t be that woman. You know the one. The one who thinks "I'll change him, he won;t do it to me."

There are millions of available, emotionally continent men on the planet.

Why shackle yourself to one who cannot discuss his feelings, who sabotages relationships, & who needs to get pissed to say anything affectionate?

Of course you're right. It makes no sense to me why I'm even considering it but I am!!

You will have.
Don;t be that woman. You know the one. The one who thinks "I'll change him, he won;t do it to me."

Thats not what i meant. He does those things they just don't bother me. I guess similarly he is not bothered by my behaviours that have bothered previous potential partners.

At a few months in, surely you’re still at the acquaintance stage, rather than the ‘really good friendship’ stage — is it just a casual shag with someone who drinks too much and has a disastrous relationship history? As @KettrickenSmiled said, why would you bother? This sounds like way too much work.

People say all sorts of shit when drunk. It's the booze talking! Never trust a drug.

He sounds unattractive, a healthy confident person doesn't need to use alcohol to communicate.

I guess this is my dilemma. No he is not a healthy confident person but he is a person all the same and he does have good qualities. I've been equally messed around by confident people that have their shit together. I used to have massive issues with anxiety and confidence and luckily people didn't chuck me aside because of it. I'm late 40s now and a very different person. When I put my sensible head on I agree that there must be easier options out there. Maybe I do need to just walk away for something less complicated. Even after only a few months there's that cliché connection there though I guess that has always been lacking in past relationships. I'm always hearing the perfect relationship is marrying your best friend!!

I guess I just wonder if the drink is allowing the true feelings out and potentially if he was to be allowed to feel secure with them he would feel safe to show them sober or if he is just talking shit!!

So I guess really I need to ignore the drunk talk. If the feelings are genuine they will show in normal ways. Hes not a big drinker so doesn't get drunk often. When we talk about feelings normally, he generally says he's not ready for a relationship. Its just these odd occasions when it comes across more that he's scared.

Nip your ‘saviour of the damaged’ impulse in the bud, OP. It never ends well.

And it concerns me that you keep talking about him in terms of a close friendship, when this can’t be the case — you barely know him. It also concerns me that you don’t find bothersome the self-sabotaging behaviours you say have typically ended his relationships — why don’t you? Is it likely that this is a lack of boundaries or low standards on your part rather than having some special connection with a man you describe as inconsistent, bad at relationships and alcohol-dependent?

But you are bothered.

You've just acknowledged that it makes no sense to be with a man who cannot discuss his feelings, who sabotages relationships, & who needs to get pissed to say anything affectionate.

Stop selling yourself short!

These behaviours do bother me which is why we are not currently anything more than friends/fwb. The behaviours that have historically messed up his relationships are other personality traits that I'm ok with. I'm not perfect. I'm always disorganised. Run late. Forget stuff. Talk shit endlessly. Not things I liked about myself but its who I am. Previous partners have made me feel like they are massive faults. Hes not fussed. He has a few quirks and traits that are often seen as faults but I actually see the positives in them. He actually strangely has trouble keeping his emotions in which many see as unmanly but I actually applaud. We all like different things I guess.

But no I couldn't move forward with someone who can't show his feelings consistantly for me. You are all right. If he can't learn to do that himself or needs alcohol to do it I need to just leave things as friends.

Why do so many women hit their 40's and go "I know what I'll do now, I'll become a rehab centre for maladjusted men! That's a great use of my time and life experiences!"

You like this person and you've made him sound deeply unattractive in your post and replies. If this is how he looks with rose coloured glasses on I dread to think what you'll see when you take them off.

How is this going now @DatingHating , any developments?

I'm just keeping things as they were. Enjoying our friendship and keeping anything else casual. After a chat he doesn't feel able to act on or acknowledge any deeper feelings he may have and I have no need to jump in to a relationship so don't need to push something that is nowhere near ready anyway. Guess I just wanted to know if he is potentially battling with emotions he doesn't feel able to express in normal situations. He doesn't often get drunk so its not like I'm going to be dealing with these outbursts of feelings on a regular basis.