Step parent after death

[bangwhistle]

My mum sadly died really suddenly about 18months ago. She was young and it was totally unexpected.

My real dad is useless and although around I'm not close to him. My mum married my step dad when I was 8 and to all intents and purposes he raised myself and my sibling. He is a good man with a good heart but he has always made me feel uncomfortable. He had a breakdown around 25 years ago which left him unable to work, he became an alcoholic (in denial - still) and had occasional psychotic episodes which required paramedics to help. We've never been close - partly because I've always found myself feeling awkward around him. Odd comments about my body and appearance. He's quite full on in sharing his emotions. I find that hard. He's only in his early 60s with no blood related children and a complicated relationship with his own family. His mum has dementia. He does have some friends but doesn't work and I know he doesn't get out much during the week.

Anyway, I never thought my mum would die first and I'm now finding myself in this odd navigation of family dynamics now the person who held us all together is dead. My step dad shared his insurance money from my mums death equally with my sibling and I, he is generous but still drinks and still intense.

I feel super guilty. I I feel I should repay the debt I have to him for bringing me up when my real dad didn't but I dread calls with him and he's asked to come and stay with me once a month as he complained he didn't see me and my children often enough (for context I have three young children and husband is often not around in the week as works away and overnight. I also have my own business. My husband and he do not get on. It's frosty when they are both around). We invite him for the day every couple of months but we live 2 hours away and our lives as a young family with all the sports and commitments we have is full on. He also often finds he doesn't have the mental strength to drive and see us and at least twice has just not turned up.

He came last month to stay overnight on the pretence that it was helpful for me juggling the kids and work. He got drunk after the kids were in bed, cried about my mum and made me feel super awkward (although that's not his fault I guess).

My questions is, how do I navigate this? I'm finding it really hard. My sibling lives closer so can just pop by for an afternoon, I have felt a responsibility to him to be there for him but I've begun not wanting to call him and check in as it always gets really deep and full on. I asked him to not come this month as I didn't have the bandwidth and I could tell he was annoyed/upset. I feel awful but at the same time I've got so much on my plate. What do I do? Am I being too selfish? It's really beginning to upset me and keep me up at night worrying. Help!

Sounds a bit like my stepdad. When I heard I was having a boy, I was actually quite glad as that meant he couldn’t make comment’s about a daughter’s body for example. He’s quite old-school misogynist.

I keep the contact to a minimum. If you feel uncomfortable I think you should do the same. On reflection, our mothers brought these kind of men into our lives, that’s also not cool. He’s not uuur responsibility.

Not your responsibility*, sorry

Thanks so much for taking the time to read. I just feel so guilty for finding being around him awkward. I feel so bad that he's on his own. He's clearly missing my mum and placing her a bit on a pedestal. I just don't know how to handle the situation without upsetting him. Argh, why is not so hard!

Im really interested in this thread. My MIL and her partner came to live near us several years ago when my first baby was small. I also live really close to my family.

She and I have differing viewpoints about many things and we probably wouldn't be bossom pals if life hadnt thrown us together but she is fundamentally a very good person who loves her family, me included. She doesnt do any formal childcare for us as it's not needed but she enjoys being with the children and their lives are better for it. I'm glad she's nearby as when the time comes me and DH will be glad to support her in anyway we can including having her move in if it's possible.

The problem is her partner. I can't stand him. He was instrumental in breaking up MILs marriage. He's judgy, mansplainy and took a dislike to me when he realised I'd earned more than he ever had (it only came up because he would not stop trying to get me a job at his old company, including involving others. The pay was less than 1/4 of what I make). He's estranged from his own kids.

He moved with her close to us, moving a country away to where he knows no one. I'm dreading being expected to care for him which he absolutely will expect. But at the same time, I don't know if it's in me to completely cut someone adrift. Also if we're going to look after MIL, hard to just ignore him. She adores him and it would hurt her so much to know our true feelings.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a vent and not very helpful to you. Just saying I totally get you. It's hard and horrible and if you figure out what to do will you please let me know?

Very easy to say, just ignore them, not your responsibility which is true. But they are real people with real lives and it's harder to knowingly hurt someone than people on here would make our, however much they may deserve it.

Sending solidarity

He is a grown man and it seems that he’s putting a lot on you; one of my parents died young and although I worried about my other parent and them being lonely it wasn’t how you describe in that I was shouldering the burden of them but instead they were trying to support me. Your post makes me wonder where your grief gets to fit into it all and if he recognises your grief as your mums child.
Based on your timeline of his age and the breakdown I wonder if your mum was in a caring role to him and he’s now just looking for that from you and your siblings without really recognising you as individuals.
I think you need to have a think about what you feel able to do in terms of contact with him and don’t feel bad about that. For me someone coming to stay once a month even without them being very draining would be a lot as life with children and work is very busy and you have to work out what is manageable practically and emotionally.
Also in terms of the insurance money that money was essentially your mums and yes he could have kept it all but I’m sure she wanted you to have it so don’t feel beholden just because he did the right thing

Thank you so much for this. It's a really helpful perspective. My mum was a carer for him in lots of ways and I hadn't really thought of it like that. I have always worried I don't do enough for them even when my mum was alive.

It's just so tricky. Sounds like I j need to work on my guilt and where that comes from and not feel bad about having some boundaries in place.

Step parent relationships Re tricky at the best of times in my experience. My sibling and I always assumed my step dad would go first because of all his health issues (a number of heart attacks a stroke and of course the alcoholism) so I didn't worry about it too much, although I guess I did a bit. But I also assumed I would have another 15 years before I had to worry about that. Not sure what my advice is and it sounds like there might be some cultural issues at play in your experience but maybe we just have to be. Enter at protecting ourselves from the guilt. As women, I reckon we're socialised to feel this way so we become carers. Which is fine if you really love someone but hard when you don't and they make you feel awkward and weird. And possibly this could go on for decades.

Would he consider visiting a retirement residential community to think about moving into one? Some of them are good with lots going on - if wanted.

You're not wrong about the social aspect of women being expected to be carers. Obviously, most don't say this out loud anymore, but this was the design of modern society. Working and middle class women care for the children and those who are infirm so that others can work and earn money for their employers.

Anyway, rant over, yes, keep in touch with the man that supported you, but don't do more than you feel able. His mental health is exhausting, and it is fair that you put in boundaries with him. You feel uncomfortable because of his mental health makes him struggle with boundaries and being appropriate. It makes him hard to be around.

I'd suggest telling him that he can not drink at your house. This may help him to see how his drinking is affecting his relationships, probably not but you never know. Or he might decide to only visit for the day, either way, it should make it less awkward for you.

You owe him nothing - you aren’t beholden to him/dating him or related to him - you didn’t choose to have him in your life as a child nor adult.

If you absolutely feel that you must continue seeing him can you organise a day where you meet up with sibling and see him together? Safety in numbers etc.

other than that keep calls to a minimum, decide and enforce boundaries around contact, suitable conversation and alcohol misuse. just because your mum was happy to live with her head in the sand about him - doesn’t mean you need to nor should perpetuate the behaviour.

Your feelings of discomfort are your boundaries.

Pay attention to them and act on them if you want to preserve your own MH.

It's interesting that you DM involved herself in this unequal relationship and then inadvertently enabled and maintained it as his alcoholism progressed and his functionality declined.

That seems to be her specific

low bar / self esteem but it doesn’t have to be yours.

I wonder if you are conflating some loyalty or honouring of your mother here?

Fear, obligation and guilt - FOG - is where you might be mired and is never the right place to make decisions or commitments from.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy person to have around your DCs - and he also is draining you of your own finite energy, time and headspace. I would conserve that and prioritise it for your own family life and marriage and not let it be dissipated on him.

You have lost your own mother young. Life is precious. Time is short. Look after you first.

This man IMHO is a selfish burden and he is reaping what he sows.

Decide what really, really suits you - if it’s meeting him 1/2 way once a month in a cafe - do that.

Agree.

I feel super guilty. I I feel I should repay the debt I have to him for bringing me up when my real dad didn't

Stop this.

He didn't bring you up - your mum did, while he didn't work, nurtured his drinking problem, & made you feel uncomfortable & awkward with his remarks about your body.

He is a good man with a good heart
Is he?
Sounds like a cocklodging perve to me.

My real dad is useless and although around I'm not close to him.
So your stepdad seems comparatively virtuous.
But you don't owe him anything - he lived off your mother, & you & your sibling just happened to come as part of her package.

My step dad shared his insurance money from my mums death equally with my sibling and I, he is generous but still drinks and still intense.
So he damn well should: he didn't work to pay those premiums, your mum did, while he lived off her.

He came last month to stay overnight on the pretence that it was helpful for me juggling the kids and work. He got drunk after the kids were in bed, cried about my mum and made me feel super awkward (although that's not his fault I guess).
You navigate this by telling him it's unacceptable to have an alcoholic around your children.
And don't hedge it around with any "sorry but". Tell it like it is.
You had no choice but to tolerate his weirdness, drinking & leeching throughout your childhood. You have a choice to not have it around your DC - or yourself.

Any pushback, tell him you are unable to support his addiction & needs to get professional help. Signpost him to AA or his GP & let them deal with him.
Visit him once a month if you find it hard to let go, but don;t bring your children.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read. I just feel so guilty for finding being around him awkward.
Why?
He's the cause of the awkward, not you.
Your mother chose to let him be around you, uncomfortable body remarks, alcoholism & cocklodging & all. Sorry to make a nasty remark about your departed mum, who was probably a strong woman to put up with him, but this was far from the greatest choice she made for her kids.

I feel so bad that he's on his own.
He's on his own because he's pissed everybody else off.

He's clearly missing my mum and placing her a bit on a pedestal.
You're missing her too.
And that's not a pedestal - he's missing his life support system.

I just don't know how to handle the situation without upsetting him.
He's upsetting you. He'll upset your kids if you let him.
Can you please stop feeling bad for disliking his behaviour, & start just owning the fact that his behaviour is unlikeable?

Argh, why is not so hard!
Because you have lived through decades of conditioning that you must swallow your feelings of discomfort around this man while everybody ignores his awkward comments about your body, drinking, & cheerful parasitism off your mother. You've been schooled to tuck your perfectly valid & reasonable feelings away & scold yourself for even having them.
Those feelings are YOUR INSTINCTS & you are right to heed them.
This man will expect you to nurture his workshy arse like your mother did if you allow it.

Just send him a message to say

"I cannot have you drunk in our house around the kids ever again. This is an incentive for your to stay sober here. Its up to you to manage that; but be very sure, this is absolutely your last chance. "

Wonderful advice from others. I know it might be hard to hear but you have to listen to your instinct. No parent should make you feel uncomfortable by commenting on your body.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Some hard truths here but it's useful to read them.

There is a useful site called Out of the FOG you might find useful.

It is really difficult. I had a very similar dynamic with my stepdad.

I'd knock the visits on the head if you can - maybe instead travel to see him and your sibling once every 3 - 6 months or something, make a weekend of it, stop at a hotel, have a meal out and that's it.

And reduce the number of phone calls. Send him a couple of family pics occasionally to keep in touch, but make it looser.

If your Mum did end up as his carer for a substantial amount of time (25 years) due to his MH, physical health and was the main breadwinner single handedly financing and running the home then these physical and mental pressures likely reduced the time and energy she had for you and your sister.

Know that the alcoholism is not recent - he has likely been drinking heavily and problematically his whole life but it only became apparent to you when his health declined.

IMHO he didn’t ‘raise’ you as personally can’t see the contribution from what you have posted - he only took from your Mum, your childhood and family life.

Why does your DH not like him?

What can he see?

Pay attention to your gut here - you experience him as a burden, too much, too negative, too draining and too demanding.

You have no obligation to shoulder any of that - or to allow it to take from your own emotional well-being, grieving process or rest and joy in family life.

What level of contact are you happy with?
Staying overnight sounds a bit much plus opportunity for drinking etc.
Could you meet half way at a park or cafe on a day with the kids every month or so? Text rather than call?

I would start by thinking of the ideal outcome you want to achieve and working back from there.

In some ways it would be easier if his behaviour was awful enough for you to go NC, rather than navigating boundaries that need to be firmer but are still complex to think through. Be firm in your own mind about exactly what boundaries you need: the time you spend with him and his behaviour around you. Do not be afraid of telling him that his inappropriate remarks and his drinking make you want to see him less. It doesn't matter if you've put up with it silently for years - it's never too late to set a boundary. If he then continues with that behaviour and you in turn reduce contact further, he'll know exactly why.

Absolutely do not agree to seeing him once a month. Way way too much. Make up any excuse you want. Always find a reason to be too busy. Say you have plans, then say you have plans again and again. (Your plans are to have a quiet weekend as a family.)

Agree with the PP that you can work with your sibling on this, it should be a team effort. And I would also push him towards potential local support networks, whether a men's group or something to do with his interests, to stop him relying on you so much.

I feel I should repay the debt I have to him for bringing me up when my real dad didn't
You could just as easily see it as being the opposite way around - that when you and your mother came into his life, you gave him a family he would not have had otherwise. That he owes you a debt of gratitude. If that sounds wrong, ask yourself why your understanding sounds right.

I left home relatively early at 18 rather than hanging around any longer in the family home, partly because I felt the same kind of guilt at being a potential burden on my stepdad. I don't think it's uncommon. But now I think it's a child's rather misguided, simplistic reading of a more nuanced, far less transactional situation. Maybe you need to revise the way you think about that time in your life, putting on your adult glasses?

My husbands step mother has been in his life since he was about 12, and is a generally lovely person on the surface. However she always quite openly favoured her own two children, not so much growing up, but since the grandchildren came along she (and FIL who like a lot of men of that era just went along with what their wife did in terms of family involvement) always prioritised her biological grandchildren in terms of gifts/babysitting etc, even cancelling on long agreed arrangements with us if her son or daughter needed last minute childcare, which meant after a couple of costly incidents where we lost money after not being able to go to planned events, we came to rely more on my side of the family. Anyway FIL died a couple of years and since then MIL has started showing signs of dementia and is generally much more needy, but we don't particularly go out of our way to provide support, we leave that up to her biological children as they kind of 'owe' her more than we do.