Not sure how to take the next step

[Spoo2266]

Hi everyone.

I'm posting here today to get a bit of information and insight. I'm not here to be judged, I'm looking for reassurance I guess that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not imagine anything. Where to begin?

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and we have two children, a 21 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. Our son was molested by his paternal grandfather when he was 8 years old and our daughter was sexually abused by her paternal uncle for a period of 5 months when she was 10. We chose not to involve the police or social services with our son - perhaps now with hindsight, we should've done. Our daughter reported her abuse to her teacher and they immediately contacted the police and social services. We chose not to press charges - she was with social services for almost a year, has received counselling and is recovering well. Both our son and daughter are out of the tunnel and looking forward to a bright future.

Somehow it's my turn. I have asked myself if I am suffering from domestic abuse and I think I have until last summer where Id had enough and asked my husband to get out. Since then he has made a huge effort to do more but I still see the controlling element in him and I don't want to spend the next 20 years trying to protect myself or my daughter. He is a changed person most of the time, but I simply don't love him any more. I stand in a card shop and feel empty - none of the greetings cards portray what I feel for him, which is absolutely nothing atm.

I know what I need to do - typing it all here just reinforces it.

Thank you for reading xx

Have you had any counselling? Are you making a plan to leave?

I'm not sure how the past sexual abuse of your children is relevant to how you know feel about your husband?

I think it's pretty poor parenting - sorry - not to have pressed charges in either case - unless you are saying he pressured you into not pressing charges as it was his brother and his father??

You poor woman. And kids. Do you think its because it was his relatives that were the perpetrators. I can imagine I would feel negatively about my husband if i were in your situation. Must be very hard, as much therapy as you can all bear.

I asked for and received counselling last year over a period of months as I was worried about my own mental health following my son's bad experience with drugs (including time in rehab and being arrested for GBH). He is now on medication for mental health. This was two years ago.

So much has happened to my children and although my husband is innocent in all of this, it was still his family (his father and his brother) who did this. I do see an element of control/coercion in him and this is the reason I am planning to separate from him. I'm gathering as much information as possible and seeking legal advice. Taking the first step will be tough but I know I have to do it.

Just a further note - my son was in a student house at uni at the time and it was during lockdown that they experimented with drugs. They couldn't go out to pubs or clubs etc and he was very unlucky.

Why didn't you press charges when your children were abused??

Are you/your husband still in contact with the abusers??

I can’t believe you didn’t press charges. I don’t typically have a go at people on here but you and your DH are shit parents. Your kids deserve better. Disgraceful

Your children were sexually abused, you knew the perpetrators and you chose not to press charges? Sorry, but I simply can't get past this.

Our daughter reported her abuse to her teacher and they immediately contacted the police and social services. We chose not to press charges - she was with social services for almost a year

I don;t understand the mechanics here.
If police & SS were involved - for a year! - how did it come about that charges were not pressed anyway? Did you or your H persuade or coerce your daughter not to testify?

If the child chose not to support a prosecution, if she was not given support to make statements and give interviews, if she didn't have the support from home to help her work through all of the complicated emotions involved in reporting sexual abuse.
1 year is a long time for children's services to be involved in respect of non parent sexual abuse which makes me wonder if you were seen as not protective

How would you feel if you found they had gone on to abuse other children, emboldened by the lack of consequences when you decided not to press charges?