SIL and cousins

[SergeantAngua2016]

I'm sorry this is so long! I am married, have 1 DS aged 7. My DH's sister is generally lovely and we get on, and she and her DH live a 3 hour drive from us with their 3 DDs, 1, 3 and 5. My SIL has lately been struggling with her mental health and has recently sought help. I have had my own struggles in the past and I'm pleased to be able to support her.

A couple of weekends ago my SIL and her girls came to visit without her DH, and stayed for a couple of nights. Long story short, it was tough going. My DH was sadly ill in bed so was out of the picture, so it was just me and SIL looking after all the children plus our new puppy. I thought it would be fine, but on the first afternoon my SIL announced she was going for a nap, leaving me to take over supervising the kids and make dinner for us all. The girls were really hard to look after, they were into absolutely everything, making a huge mess and not listening at all. My son was getting quite upset as we had set aside a few things he didn't want them playing with before they arrived and they found them and got into them anyway. When my SIL came down she said that my DS needs to learn to share.
The next morning I came down to find the puppy had had diarrhoea in her crate, so spent a while cleaning up that, and then all the kids arrived downstairs. My DNs were asking to be changed or help with bottom-wiping (which I did), but when the older one was asking for medicine as she felt poorly, I asked her to go and wake up their mum as I wasn't sure what I could give her. She came down again to say her mum had told her she would 'sort it out in the morning'. I just sucked it up and got on with it, gave the kids breakfast and my SIL came down later.
We took the kids out for a walk and pub lunch, and it was a bit stressy but generally fine, although my SIL kept telling my DS to look after the girls, and telling him off when he forgot.
Honestly I was so glad when they left. I spent hours tidying after they had gone, and my DS got upset again looking at the mess they'd made of his things.
Later my SIL messaged to say thanks for having them, and she'd love to meet up again soon, saying perhaps we could go and stay with them so my DS can see how they share!
I'm not sure how to respond. I totally understand my SIL is struggling and I want to be kind. But I don't want to put myself or my DS through that stressful experience again! I do want him to be close with his cousins though. Shall I lay down some rules before meeting again?
Advice appreciated as I genuinely want to handle this well!

"But I don't want to put myself or my DS through that stressful experience again! I do want him to be close with his cousins though".

Why exactly?. They are of all very different ages and they really have nothing in common with each other. And these girls messed up your son's possessions and he was upset by that. I see without much surprise that your SIL blamed him for that too.

Do not put either your son or yourself through this experience again. Do not be the fool with MUG written on your forehead.

You already have three hours physical distance between you; start putting more mental distance between you and SIL. Acting as a rescuer and or saviour to people like your SIL never works and it further looks like she took advantage of your kindness by using you and otherwise taking herself off to bed for a nap. You cannot help people like this and she does not want your help and or support. She also used your son as some sort of de facto parent to her children and told him off when he did not do this!.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I think I'm so keen for them to have a close relationship as they are his only cousins. It's my guilt at having just the one kid I think! But you're right, I shouldn't put us through the stress just for that.

Don't be putting your DS through that!
My DC used to give out to me for putting them with Kids they obviously didn't want to be with - I had never thought about it from their perspective - At the time, I just thought it was good for my DC to have plenty of friendships.

They are different age groups! Even though your DS is only 7 you do need to listen to him and respect him.
Its amazing that both your DH and SIL managed to go back to bed for their rests and leave you to it with the DC.

You've done your bit and supported her- Don't let her guilt trip you into meeting .She'll get too dependant on you and it'll be more difficult to make a break. Also, - its funny the way her own DH didn't come with her on the visit. - looks to me everyone was getting a break except you.

I think that if she is genuinely nice mostly, then I'd persevere. Your ds and the older niece are pretty close in age and might get on well later. Plus your own/DH's relationship with his sister is important.

BUT look out for yourselves too! Going to hers is a good idea, as DS won't worry about his stuff being ruined. Make sure your DH goes (cancel if he's sick) and then one of you can make sure DS is enjoying himself while the other helps SIL. If she suggests DS look after the wee ones, just say "No he's too young for that, but DH will help you keep an eye on them". Be helpful where you can, because it does sound like she has her hands full, but not at the expense of your son.

@bjrce yeah I did feel that I was the only one not getting a break, and then felt completely wrung out when they left! The girls can play nicely with my DS but only really with supervision, which wasn't possible at the weekend. I know he won't thank me for putting him in that situation, and we did have a chat afterwards about how it wasn't fair on him. Thank you.

Thanks @Rosafiona you're right, I also want there to be a good relationship between my DH and SIL, and there's an added complication that they lost a sibling a few years ago. It's tricky. I'm thinking I will try and get him to take the lead with their relationship for now.

Your poor son. And your sister in law is a shit for her snidey comments about sharing. Ugh.

I probably wouldn’t reply. And I’d avoid any future invitations. I wouldn’t bother too much about a close cousin relationship, they’re hours away.

She’s out of order saying your son needs to learn to share when they took his things without permission. Sharing doesn’t mean that other people can take whatever they want that belongs to you. She told him off for not looking after her children too?! How dare she. Then she’s cheeky enough to say “perhaps we could go and stay with them so my DS can see how they share” - as though your DS needs training!
You were very kind to her but enough is enough, she’s being extremely cheeky and you don’t owe her any more.

She sounds like a condescending lazy arse hole e.g. “teach him to share”. Like others said: sounds like everyone had a break apart from you. Avoid any future meet ups like the plague!

Your sil was rude and ungracious. She has left you free to return the favour by pointing out the faults in her and her dc's behaviour.
Pursuing a relationship between the children because they are cousins is not in your son's best interests. I had rose tinted ideas about my dc playing happily with their cousins, as I did at their age, but its wasn't meant to be. I stopped trying to force the issue when my usually placid ds cried with frustration, which made me feel awful. My dc declared that they just don't like them, they wouldn't choose them as friends and would avoid them at school. Fair enough.

Taking herself off for a nap was totally and unequivocally out of order. Lazy excuse of a mother.

Why did BIL not come with SIL ? Sounds like he had a nice weekend off.

Why dont you say that it sounds like a great idea and pack your son off with your husband to his sisters house, you stay home.

I would let the nap slide as I guess we don't know exactly what the MH means for her, it could mean she needs to nap, she needs the quiet or she's on medication that makes her nap. BUT telling you he needs to share would really piss me off. I would reply with perhaps they can learn how to ask permission before taking other people's stuff. The cheek

It might be easier if you go around their house if you generally get on and this was a one off.

3 kids will that age will create so much mess which is inevitable. Very different to having 1 7 year old at home.

They're 3 girls, younger than your DS which can be difficult as different interests.

Let DH take DS for a weekend at hers while you get the break you didn't get when they came to you!

Your dh was I’ll in bed!
Yeah, he knows what his dsis is like.
Dont fall for that again.

Ill

Take her up on her invitation and do exactly as she did. Leave her to cook and clean for you all while you sleep and criticise her kids as you see fit, make sure your son gets to touch and play with anything that looks interesting. If she complains just say you thought it would be fine since it's no different to how it was at your house.

I'd be tempted to say 'yes and it would be an opportunity for them to learn how to be respectful to others'! I wouldn't actually say it though, I'd just keep my distance. If she does tell him off again for not looking after them, I do think you need to step in and say that's not OK.

Thank you all, so good to get your opinions. I know both me and my DS like a bit of order and calm, so did wonder if I was being precious. My SIL is honestly a nice person when she's well, and I don't want to lose sight of this, but I need to think about mine and DS's needs first. Poor DH really was ill, but I think in future he has to be involved in any meet ups with SIL - and BIL for that matter too! Thanks again, I feel more confident about how to handle this.

I'm not surprised, that sounds awful.

It sounds like the issues are: you and your son were dumped with the childcare, it lasted too long, and it was in your space so no escape route. We have 3 kids and they all feel the same sometimes so definitely not anything wrong with you or your son! We just give them a bit of one on one time regularly to reset.

I'd probably lean towards meeting in a neutral location towards the middle of your homes where she can't just walk off for long. Maybe a good soft play with cafe bit? Then you're supporting her without letting the younger kids intrude on your son's safe space and it's just a day which is manageable. Another option is to take out just the eldest for something like a museum visit to encourage that relationship. Maybe the science museum in London, we the curious in Bristol, or sea life in Birmingham? All small enough to be manageable, lots of interesting things to do, and clearly better suited to one of them than all 3.

Seriously though, stick to a day at a time if it's too overwhelming. If she's offended by that that's on her.

@Crumpledstilstkin those are great ideas, thank you.