Unhappy relationship

[Scouselady34]

Please no judging I only want advice from ppl going through or have gone through this before, so iv been with my other half 14 years we have 3 children but for the last couple of years we have just grown apart and I feel as though we are just 2 ppl that live together iv voiced how unhappy I am so many times over last few years but nothing changes, this has recently led me Into the arms of another man, this man makes me happy in every way possible I no its only the honeymoon period but I'm just so confused I feel bad because I feel like I owe it to my kids to make it work with ther dad but also I want to be happy in myself

If you’re unhappy leave, cheating is despicable.

Helpful...

It was literally the perfect response.

Well stay with him and he can add "deceit" to the reasons why he doesn't like you then.

🙄 if you have not been in my situation don't comment simple 🙂

Oh I’m sorry, let me tell you what you want to hear.

Keep having an affair, when your husband and kids find out (which they will) you can tell them “but it’s TRUE LOVE”. Everyone will understand and you and OM can run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. He will be the perfect man, and all the hurt and devastation will have been worth it because you will be happy.

Better?

@lovechickencrisps
And 'selfish', 'lacking self awareness' 'narcissistic'
I note the 'my dhs actions 'led me in to the arms of another' - ie no accountability on the ops behalf whatsoever for having an affair.

I note the 'my dhs actions 'led me in to the arms of another' - ie no accountability on the ops behalf whatsoever for having an affair.

My STBXH said similar when I found his internet dating profile. It is disgraceful behaviour in every way and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. FFS if you are unhappy then leave, cheating in NEVER acceptable. What do you want from this thread where many many women have had to deal with the fallout of deceit?

Poor you for feeling bad.....

If you're unhappy, the best thing you can do is leave. Cheating isn't acceptable.

The other man is clouding your judgement right now. Your relationship does sound like it's at an end but while ever you are seeing someone else, the thought process and planning behind ending your relationship in a way that is best for you, your partner and your children will become more difficult.
I know it's hard but you have to stop seeing the other man, cut all contact and put your efforts into your situation with your partner.
If it's meant to be with the other man, then he will appear again when you are single and settled and your children are happy.

If the role were reversed with you and your DP - him being led into the arms of another woman, it wouldn't be his fault, right?
Don't expect anyone to have empathy/sympathy for you - especially when no one would for him if the ball was in the other court.

Relationship is clearly over and done with.
Have some respect for your DP of 14yrs and let him go - don't hold onto him incase it don't work out with this new guy (if it fails after the honeymoon phase, that's your problem to deal with) of course you have the right to be happy; and so does he.
Be an adult about it & face responsibility.

This is the standard reason why men will say they have affairs....a cold marriage that they want to keep together for the children.
I know men who have done this and while you think they would get caught and the whole thing would come crumbling down they don't and seem to be able to manage parallel lives.
I think on some level these arrangements work because there's no real commitment to either situation but long term I think it may not be what you want and it may emotionally damage you.

@arethereanyleftatall good points

I've been in this situation.... As the child of a mother that cheated. I agree with all the above opinions

Plenty of people have been in relationships and have been unhappy. Most of them leave instead of cheat. I'd say that's the most helpful thing to remember. If this was a bloke saying they were shagging someone on the side, they'd be slated.

Then why are you posting?

Hey OP, this sounds like very similar to what I went through. Feel free to PM me :)

Cheating is a really cruel thing to do to someone. But if it makes you feel better, I suppose only your feelings matter.
I always feel sorry for the kids in these sorts of situations. The embarrassment, confusion and upset it causes them. I hope he’s worth it.

OP, if what you're after is absolution for cheating on your husband, you'll not find it on this board. The question is: do you want to make it work with your husband or not?

I was in a long marriage that had faltered.

The split did arise because of unfaithfulness but both sides knew it was an ‘Exit Affair’ from a relationship that made both unhappy.

The kids though? The ‘arms of another’, blamed on the innocent party, was the motorway route to destroying the cheater's relationship with their children. So ask yourself if your bit on the side is worth your children losing all respect for you as a parent and as a person.

No matter how unhappy I was, my relationship with my children was never something I would sacrifice or risk, and my behavior reflected that. They won’t understand, they won’t accept and they won’t forgive.

If you're looking for permission to continue your affair, you won't be getting it. Perhaps think of your children for one second before you continue to launch grenades into their lives.

If you're unhappy, end the marriage.

You should end your marriage right away. Cheating is such an awful thing to do.

Are you staying with your current bloke for financial reasons? If the affair bloke also in a relationship?

“Plenty of people have been in relationships and have been unhappy. Most of them leave instead of cheat. I'd say that's the most helpful thing to remember. If this was a bloke saying they were shagging someone on the side, they'd be slated.”

This. Also saying that your H’s behaviour has caused you to cheat is bang out of order. But it is typical for people who are cheating to make that kind of claim - to avoid taking responsibility for their own bad behaviour. Own that you’re behaving badly and that the choice to deal with your marital problems by having an affair is your choice.

It’s common for the couple relationship to take a backseat in the most intense years of child-rearing and it can usually be restored with some effort and commitment on both sides. But as a PP said, it may be that your relationship with your DH has run its course and this is an exit affair. Have a proper think about how you would feel if this affair came to light and your marriage came to an end.

Remember also that it’s all moonlight and roses now with the shiny new guy but that’s not real life. Beware of grass is greener thinking. With your H, you’ve had 14 years of being at the coalface together and enough commitment and closeness to choose to bring 3 children into the world. Do you really think what you had together is gone forever? Do you really want to pin your hopes for a happy future on a man who’s willing to cuckold another man?

You and your affair partner both know that you are people who can’t be trusted. Some affairs become LTRs - I have a couple of friends who have now been with their affair partners for decades. It can happen. But it’s rare. Only you can know but are this man and your romantic notions really worth throwing away your marriage for?

Affair trauma is real and it sucks, it makes it so difficult to form new relationships, and your whole sense of self is altered (if i was wrong about them being faithful am i wrong about everything?). Either end the affair or the marriage, and try your best to hide the evidence for the sake of your hubby.