Gambling addict husband. Advice on calling it a day

[Ihategambling]

I am looking for practical and emotional advice, please.

I have been with my husband since I was 18 and we have three children, year 11, year 9 and year 7.

He has gambled the whole time we have been together. There is a financial impact although that is remarkably slight but a massive emotional impact because the gambling is accompanied by lies, gaslighting and a 'fugue' state of emotional withdrawal as well as emotional and occasional physical aggression.

I started a new role a couple of years ago after being at home since the children were small and the role involves a long commute and some travelling.

I am 41 years old. We have no savings. I have no emotional stability. He has said that he knows I can never trust him. He has refused counselling of all sorts.

I know I should leave but I don't know how because I do still love him and I feel so guilty leaving him when he is ill but also practically I don't know what to do. We can't afford two houses in this area, the children have friends and are very rooted. The eldest had GCSEs and the middle one has just started going back to school regularly after a long period of school refusal. If he leaves, I don't know how to juggle the commute and being away. He has a 10 minute commute and works 7 to 4, I have a 1.5 hour commute and work 10 - 6 in the office and usually evenings.

The most sensible thing is for me to leave during the week but I value that evening time with my kids and weirdly the morning rush. Teenagers are funny beasts and I think being around for tiny moments is more important.

And then it seems pointless disrupting everyone for this but if I stay I will be dragged back in. We were already cuddling on the sofa last night.

What would you do?

I'm just bumping this to see if anyone has any advice.

My exH was a compulsive gambler - I never knew if the rent or bills could be paid or not as he was constantly cancelling and reinstating direct debits.

He lied, gaslight and manipulated and we split when he eventually had his (second) affair.

I wasted years of my life, thankfully our DD was very young and doesn't actually remember a time we lived together.

Leave leave leave. Don't waste any more of your time - HE WILL NOT CHANGE, that I can promise you 💕💕

re your comment

"I know I should leave but I don't know how because I do still love him and I feel so guilty leaving him when he is ill but also practically I don't know what to do".

Do you think he feels guilty; ultimately he does not so why do you feel this?. His addiction is that powerful and he has and will continue to put that first. He refuses counselling and you people are far lower on his priority list.

Yes you should leave; he has done you and your kids an awful lot of harm here. You are codependent in this relationship and are perhaps further confusing love here with codependency. Put a stop to cuddling him on the sofa, that is a further way of you being dragged back into this dysfunctional marriage.

You are married to this man; exercise those fully here and start divorce proceedings as soon as you are able. It may well be that you will be able to stay in the marital home with your children; again legal advice needs to be sought.

Your marriage is over anyway because of his gambling addiction.

Thank you everyone. I find a bit of Mumsnet hard talking works wonders.

He does agree I should leave and has said he will leave if that is what I want. He won't seek help but he has also given up. He thinks this is it forever. It is so sad to see him like that and also so frustrating.

It's just such a big step and I don't know what to do in terms of timing. There isn't a big thing IYSWIM - he isn't gambling rn but he agrees neither of us know when it will start again but do I screw up my son's exams on this potential?

I know there will never be a good time but this all seems a little pointless when he is behaving well now.

I have some similar experience. My husband started gambling in lockdown when he was isolating and struggled emotionally and was also severely depressed. It was very triggering for him as he suffered abandonment during his childhood which was very traumatic. He ended up getting into A LOT of debt as he kept trying to chase his losses and fix it. He didn't tell me for a long time. When I found out I thought my life was over. I found the National Problem Gambling Clinic and applied for my husband. He was accepted and it was life changing.

The difference I think is that he wasn't aggressive and he wanted to change. It was hard though as he faced up to everything and had to fix it. The debt is now gone and he's turned his life around. We also had marriage counselling. Again, it's a huge difference because he wanted the counselling.

If he'd not wanted to make changes and was aggressive then I would have asked him to leave. What you're going through is not sustainable. For me it was a short term hell but I suffered severe anxiety and negative changes to my gut health. We're stronger than ever now but it's taken A LOT of work. If you have someone who won't put the work in then it's going to destroy you. I'm sorry.

If anyone should leave here its him. Not you people. He should be packed off back to his mother's.

Re his addiction you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Only HE can address his gambling addiction and at this time he does not want to. You being around to also enable and or otherwise prop him up does not help you nor he for that matter. You can only help your own self ultimately and that will involve not letting you and in turn your kids get dragged down with him any longer.

There is never any one best time to separate but further kicking the can down the road is not an option here for your kids and you in particular. He is behaving "well" for now (and that is likely because he knows he's pushed you that bit too far) but you know that state is not going to last and he will revert to type.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

The only thing that occurs to me is that you need to safeguard your finances and property.

He's gambling right now - gambling that his sad little face and apparent desolation will make you feel sorry for him and decide you have to stay and take care of him and pay all the bills so he can carry on stealing your peace of mind, future security and money.

Thank you everyone.

Yes, I think he thinks it is all sorted. But it's not.

It is the feeling of instability that is the worse and he is doing it now by being all cheery....

Please kick him out. He will ruin you.

My ex was a gambler and was resigned to it. He even shrugged when I said the choice was me and the baby or gambling. He left and continued gambling. I then found out the extent of what he had not paid. He chased losses all the time. But even if he won it made no difference because that was then his money.

In time I sorted things out. I'm now in a good place. If I had still been with him my life would have been miserable because there was never any money for anything

Unless he wants to stop and is doing something about it he will not.

Unless he is a committed member of GA and attending every week and in recovery for more than a year, please walk away.

I say this as someone with huge experience.

The lies and financial ruin will destroy you