Pregnant & Stressed - Alcoholic/Bipolar Partner

[Preg21]

Hi all - first time posting on here. I am feeling lonely and low so I am looking for some advice. I don't know where to turn, and I don't know what to do. Sorry if the below is mixed up. As with everything, there is a long history that links in with all of this, but I won't go into it all for brevity - even the bits I have written below have more to them, but I'm just trying to get to the point.

I (31f) am currently pregnant (23w). It hasn't been the easiest pregnancy - not because of any symptoms (I've been blessed so far in that sense), but because of my relationship with my partner (35m). He suffers from bipolar and is an alcoholic (sort of in acceptance and denial, as there is no behaviour change). I want to preface this by saying that he is (when things are OK/normal) a really lovely guy, but I am becoming doubtful that this (things being good) will actually be the reality of our lives, and if I am just holding on to hope and wearing rose-tinted glasses hoping that anything will improve/change.

Drinking has been a constant issue and he has told me many times that he is going to stop, only to start again after a few days or a week or so. It is really getting me down and I am worried about our future, as well as the life I/we will have with our child. Since January we have been in a whirlwind of craziness - my parents have travelled across the country to come and see me and stay in a hotel overnight due to a bipolar breakdown (fuelled by drinking), I had to leave the house and stay at my sister's house for a week because of another bipolar breakdown (more drinking) as well as him leaving to stay in a hotel over a weekend (last week). During these times he has said some super hurtful and vile things that I have to just get over and pretend didn't happen (because it is his bipolar/drinking...not "him") in hopes that things will get better/normal. Out of desperation, I had written a letter explaining why I had been feeling down (drinking, sleeping pills and no intimacy). He reacted really badly about it (apparently it caught him off guard) and left the house and stayed in a hotel - the day following he reached out and apologised and said he'd try to be better and make things better. He had told me he wasn't going to drink but had some beers during the week as it was stressful. During the week, however, I knew something was different (I thought it may have got the sleeping medications again, but didn't mention it as I thought I was being paranoid). I found out on Saturday that he had been hiding vodka in the car/house and had been slipping it into bottles of juice - I left the bottle on the side to confront him about it, but he found it first and lied that it was an old bottle. I confronted him about it and he finally admitted that he had been drinking it (but then was annoyed that I'd caught him in a lie like I was doing it on purpose to catch him out...?). On Sunday, he gets more beers but tells me he isn't going to drink during the coming week. Again, I am hoping this is true, but I just feel like we're going around and around in circles and nothing is getting better.

I am so stressed out - I want to stand by him and show him that he has someone by his side because I love him, but this all feels like it's spiralling out of control and I have absolutely no one to truly confide in. He won't reach out for help himself. I understand he is feeling bad, but I feel innocent in all of this (as is my child) and I am just silently suffering.

As I say, there is more to the above than I can type here.

I am ashamed of the position I've gotten myself into. What should I do? I am at a total loss. I love this man to death, but at what point do I start putting myself first and leave him to deal with these problems himself? This isn't how I saw my life panning out - not the way I thought my future husband would treat me, and certainly not the way I saw my first pregnancy ever going. Is this just life? Or is this too much?

Thank you in advance for any advice. I will be changing my username for anonymity as I would hate for anyone else in my life to know how bad things have become.

It's not just the way it is. Has he got a clinical diagnosis of bipolar. If he has he should be under the care of a consultant psychiatrist and offered a medication regime. Unfortunately bipolar when not managed safely (ie taking the medication & engaging with services) is really dangerous, as you've sadly experienced. Drug or alcohol issues are common when self management is not in place. There are v good charities that can help. The first thing to do is to pursue an emergency appointment with crisis team and arrange psychiatrist appointment. The first line drug is life changing and can cut out most of the symptoms, episodes. If he won't engage then you need to get him out your home as he could be a danger. At least he may understand what's at stake. Change the locks until you see a real change in the way he takes responsibility for his own health.

Hi OP. I was in your situation and held out hope that things would improve. They didn’t, they got worse. I’ve been a solo parent for over 4 years and I am so grateful for the help I’ve had from Al-Anon, the support group for families of alcoholics (if you want a link to an online group who are lovely, PM me). I’ve had help from the community mental health team, too, as the partner of someone with BPD/EUPD.

It’s been a hell of a thing to de-tangle the “real” person from the alcoholic and again from the mental health disorder and I do feel like I’m dealing with three people in one. But it’s getting better.

If I could do it all over again, I would have left when I was pregnant. Sounds grim, but there you go. It’s the truth. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s that leaving is not about abandoning the person you’re leaving, it’s about putting yourself and your child right at the top of your priorities.

Your partner may or may not take steps to address their alcoholism. Regardless of their path, you can (and need to) set yours. They may access CMHT and get support; this may or may not improve your relationship.

There are so many uncertainties but when you look at the research that has gone into this, the “toxic trio” is an awful alternative for your little one.

For your sake, my advice would be to get free of the roller coaster that defines living with an alcoholic with additional mental health difficulties. Things are likely to get very much worse once babe is born. Head off now, with regrets for the life you wished you could have had, but with the absolute assurance that it will be the best decision you could possibly make for both you and your child.

All of this is based solely on my own experience over the past ten years. I hope others come along for you with more experiences to share so you can decide what you need to do. Whatever you do, I truly wish you and your little one peace and happiness.

Honestly you are describing my childhood and what my mum went through with my alcoholic father. She put up with for 32 years and he lied and secretly drank the whole time , until the point it escalated and he was regularly drink driving.

You can support your partner but the safety of you and your unborn child needs to be the priority. As the child who watched and went through this I wish she had the courage to walk away for our sakes 32 years earlier.

I have bipolar. Is he seeing a consultant each time he has one of these potential bipolar breakdowns? He needs to be under a consultant and have his medication reviewed. When he's in an episode, his medication should be changed/upped by a consultant. Finding the right meds could mean he never, or hardly ever, has an episode again.

One problem is that of course drinking effects the efficacy of bipolar medications, potentially massively, which is a great motivation for someone with bipolar to stop or cut down. A consultant could emphasise this to him.

The drinking could be tackled as a separate issue at the same time, by either AA or another evidence-based recovery method.

I don't think you should stay in a relationship with someone with severe MH and substance abuse issues who isn't seriously engaging with treatment.

Give him an ultimatum; he sees a doctor about his bipolar and he starts attending meetings (or rehab if need be) for his drinking.

Tell him if he doesn't, you'll leave. This is no life for you and your LO.

Oh and as a PP said - I've heard Al Anon can be a real help to loved ones.

Your partner is an alcoholic whose only real relationship is with alcohol. And apparently pills too.

You and the baby come a very distant second, if you figure at all on his radar, which I doubt.

You want to stay with him to show him that he has someone on his side, someone who loves him. No doubt deep down, you think your devotion can pull him through this. You also think you have some level of control over the situation.

This is co dependence, not love. It's your part in a deeply unhealthy partnership. It's not ok to bring a baby into a home where this man is causing the emotional and psychological chaos he is causing. Your parents and sister are probably in despair at your inability to see the truth here and agonizing over the life the baby will have with this man in his or her life.

You need to leave him. Cut your losses. Draw a firm line under the relationship. Do not let the sunken costs fallacy convince you that it's worth keeping on trying. Get help figuring out why you have become co dependent and how to avoid it in the future.

Let him sink or swim. Let him seek the help he needs. Or not. He is not your responsibility.

Your presence in his life is just enabling his addiction and furthering his self-destruction. Your devotion isn't going to make a speck of difference to him. He only cares about drinking.

I have been there. It will be difficult to leave now, but not nearly as difficult once your baby arrives. Please do all you can do be brave and make a plan to leave as soon as you are able. He doesn't sound like he's even trying to recover.

You walk away NOW. My ex sil was the same, she was an alcoholic with serious mental health issues, she couldn't even stay off the booze when pregnant. It was a blessing she lost every baby as awful as that sounds. My brother thankfully left her after many years trying to help her, it got to the point she had given him a mental breakdown too, took him a long time to recover. I wouldn't want a child anywhere near someone like this, leave now and put your baby first.

this could be extremely dangerous for you and your child, please leave this man.

Go to Al Anon and get some support to leave. Your priority now needs ro b e your unborn child and your own welfare. You don’t have the luxury of putting his wants and needs first anymore.

"I love this man to death, but at what point do I start putting myself first and leave him to deal with these problems himself?"

Now and by you leaving him to his addiction. Put your own self along with your unborn child first and foremost now, not him. You are codependent in this relationship and that state is doing you no favours at all. Soon you will have a child to care for and raise and that child too needs to have your surname. Your child cannot and must not be raised in such a dysfunctional environment as you are describing.

How did you get to where you are now with such a man?. That is something that needs examining in the medium term through counselling to unravel all this along with your codependency.

l’ve also been there.

Like many others it just got worse not better.

I remember it felt impossible to leave and detangle myself from it all.

But finally I did and I can’t tell you the relief and happiness that came from that. Being a single parent might be hard but it is nowhere near as hard as living with someone who is an alcoholic. Everyday I still thankful not be doing that anymore

Please don't sacrifice yourself and your child to 'stand by him'. I promise you, it will make next to no difference whether you're there or not. You're there now after all, with everything to look forward to, but it hasn't stopped him spiralling down. He needs professional help beyond your remit and you can't fix this or love him better. The person you can stand by, love and protect is your baby. Please put your efforts there.

Is he medicated and has regular appointments with CMHT?
Either way, you need to make yourself and DC a priority, not him
( I'm bipolar)
You can not stay in this chaotic life with him. He can't/ won't change and you cannot inflict this lifestyle on your DC
You might love him, but his priority is alcohol not you and DC

@sadtiming you need to copy that into your own new thread as people won't see it here on the end of an old one. Good luck!

Thank you I thought that’s what I did haha

Don't hope for change, he is making promises he obviously cannot keep. When at the hiding vodka stage, it's deep addiction, he won't be able to stop himself. He might well think he can, but he won't manage it without outside help, which he has to ask for and be ready to accept.
The best you can do is either you or he leaves. There has to be an incentive to change. If losing you and his child is not enough incentive, you have a clear answer and it will have to be a permanent split. The sooner you do this, the better.