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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

First date red flags you didn't see

13 replies

Willieekerslike · 12/03/2023 21:28

Just thinking back on my relationship that is ending amicably now after 30 years. Got together when I was a very innocent wet behind the ears student nurse. I remember our first date was a drink in the pub then going for a curry.He was late by about 15 mins. We had a drink then went for curry and my most distinct etched on the brain memory is of him at one point surrounding my legs in a vice like grip. I was really uncomfortable but felt he seemed to think it was friendly. I was afraid of upsetting him and wanted to be polite so didn't complain. If that happened now would be very different story, I'd have been out of there. Wish I'd had the current me back then to see through the inappropriate shit.

OP posts:
Fuckstix · 13/03/2023 07:01

Short relationship a few years ago that I let myself get carried away about feelings-wise. He was very late to our first date without a good reason keeping me waiting outside on a cold day. Very late to every date in fact. Not a bad guy, in fact we really got on but all about himself which in retrospect was apparent immediately. Now, I'd not wait, or at least wait somewhere comfortable and manage my expectations if he couldn't be arsed to turn up on time.

Aussiegirl123456 · 13/03/2023 10:14

Any mention of crazy exes (one or plural) 🚩

StonwEd · 13/03/2023 15:35

First weekend away together about 8 weeks in. Locked me on the balcony of our hotel room and walked around the block. Called me immature for not getting the joke.
Same trip got absolutely wasted, passed out when we went back to get changed. It sas a city I knew and had friends in so went for a drink with them really close to the hotel.
He had no idea that I'd left the room but when I told him the next day he was so angry and said he had been going to tell me he loved me for the first time that weekend but I'd ruined it by going out behind his back.
The friend I'd seen that night warned me to leave him there and then. I so so wish I'd listened to her but no, put up with another 4 years. Just glad I got out eventually.

StonwEd · 13/03/2023 15:36

Omg sorry just seen you said first date 😬

Definitelycross · 13/03/2023 15:39

Aussiegirl123456 · 13/03/2023 10:14

Any mention of crazy exes (one or plural) 🚩

This. Totally this.

Mine is also not having any relationship with their kids.

Neveragain85 · 13/03/2023 18:44

Appearing "too" nice (covert narc)

Justatoe2 · 13/03/2023 18:48

Crazy ex
No relationship with family members
No friends
Same values and interests as me.
Yes, reader, I ignored them all. For 7 years.

purpledalmation · 13/03/2023 19:00

asked me to marry him on the second date.

VentingSenting · 13/03/2023 19:06

After the third date changed his shift patterns so he'd always be available on my days off.

crackofdoom · 13/03/2023 19:08

Well, a corker recently was on the second date. Insisted on dragging me to the village working men's club (not a place I'm really keen on) because I'd run out of booze at home. Parked me in the corner with some money for the juke box and went off to play pool with his mates, despite my protests.

I walked out.

It didn't go down well.

Amazingly, continued seeing him for several weeks after that, by which time there were rows and rows of red bunting waving in the breeze...

LadyClaude · 13/03/2023 19:34

Oh, tonnes of breadbins, here's a selection:

1)This one is a second date, we went for dinner. He proceeded to tell me how he had fallen out with his mother... Because he had told her how his (deseased) grandmother was SO thick, so stupid, and so his mother was not speaking to him at that time. He simply couldn't understand tact. Anyway, we finished up, and I went home, as did he. Funnily enough I had no interest in pursuing anything with him. 2 days later I get a text "I don't think we're right for each other, I do hope you're not too disappointed" 😂😂😂 my response "I quite agree. Good luck in your search". Lol

2)First date, (different loon). He couldn't be bothered to look at the menu and so when it came to ordering, his response "exactly what she's having". Thought this was a bit weird, but it got weirder. He ate a quarter of it, then stood up and said, "I'm finished now, I'm going to the pub, see you in there". Me, "sure!". He flung a load of cash on the table and off he went. I took my sweet ass time, ordered more wine and dessert and finished the date on a video call to a girlfriend and left the reminder of the cash as a tip for the lovely wait staff. Then got the bus and went home. Was halfway home and my phone goes. It's the fella, wondering where I am 😂😂😂

3)First date with a chap I'd met the week before whilst out with friends. He seemed fine when I met him the first time! Anyway, on our actual date, we're having a drink and he's rapidly getting blitzed... I think he was half cut when he turned up. Next thing I know he says, out of nowhere, "I could love you, but never as much as I my ex, Kathleen". I cut the date short and later on that evening he messaged wondering when we're meeting again. Me, "I don't think we're a match". Him, "how dare you lead me on.... Yadda yadda yadda". Blocked.

4)Not a first date, but early on: This was years ago, a guy I'd been dating for a month or so called me and asked me out to dinner. "That would be lovely, thank you", I said. We got there, got handed the menu's, and after a moment or so he says "it's not too expensive for you is it?" 😐😱

I actually find all of these experiences I had quite funny in hindsight, the sense of entitlement with these guys is just... Hilarious 🤣🤣🤣 I learned that having dinner early on is a no-no, however I don't regret the above... It does make me chuckle! I'm sitting here now wondering what on Earth happened to them. Hope they're still single and not driving someone mad though!

letitkeepgoing · 13/03/2023 19:37

On our third date we went shopping and he wanted to return an item to a shop. As we walked in the shop he told me he hadn't actually bought it from that particular retailer but he couldn't be bothered driving over to the other retailer in another town. I watched as he charmed the assistant into giving him his money back after concocting this elaborate lie about why he didn't have a receipt.

I was so starry eyed and dazzled by him that even though I knew it was wrong, I brushed it off and decided it was just a 'quirk'.

Needless to say he turned out to be a compulsive liar. Unfortunately it took me a full two years to finally see the light!

LadyClaude · 13/03/2023 19:44

Sorry OP, mine were a list of ridiculous situations that I did see for what they were. Here's one that I didn't though. Guy I was living with at the time used to get sent "love letters", from an ex who he lived with, prior to meeting me, back when they lived in Spain briefly, until she did a midnight bunk back to America where she was from. These "love letters", consisted of inappropriate sexually explicit written content. He saw absolutely no issue with it, as they were no longer together, she knew about me, she lived abroad, and he was never going to see her again. I was in my early 20's and I just can't believe in hindsight I put up with it. Sooo cringe!! It was never, he was never worth all the arguments from that. He ended up cheating on me with a woman he worked with in the end too. Really could have saved so much wasted time if I'd ran at the first lot of red flags... Those letters.

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