Creepy ex

[Thyra123]

Posted this in lone parents but I think I should’ve posted here instead! Apologies!

My sons dad and I split up 12 years ago when our son was just a baby. We stayed friends for a while then both moved on, although his new partners and his other children often said my ex held a candle for me 😬

We’ve had our ups and downs and I’ve mainly stayed friendly to try and keep the peace as ex can be spiteful (and has been towards our son) if I try and back off and be ’aloof.’

Son and his dad had a big falling out last year, long story but basically dad does nothing while sons at his house, and doesn’t interact with our son unless I’m around, so it seems performative to try and impress me 🙄

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve sat my ex down and explained I would not ever get back with him sometimes politely other times quite assertively. My son comes home and still says to me ‘mum, dads asking if you’re seeing anyone or if you would go on a date with him.’

I’ve gritted my teeth and agreed to dinners with him and our son as that’s a way of getting our son out and doing things with us in the past, and our son asked for us both to be there, but I’ve stopped this as I worry if this has also given ex the wrong idea.

Sorry to ramble on, but I don’t know what else to do. It depresses me and makes me feel so helpless. He says things like ‘I will always love you and there’s nothing you can do to stop that.’ He stares at my body and I find it all so creepy. He has seen me upset before and used that as reason to hug me which I felt really uncomfortable about.

Has anyone got any advice for me please 😔 I don’t want to do this for another several years. I haven’t dated anyone for a long time because part of me knows he will jeopardise that like he’s done in the past out of jealousy.

How old is your ds? Start communicating by text or email only and no more dinners or chatting, end all direct contact, you don’t need that at al.

Sorry just seen son is 12.

I'd stop seeing him in any capacity.
And I'd tell my son that if his dad is being a dick, he can decide for himself if he wants to keep seeing him or not.

That we don't need to tolerate assholes in our lives and you only wish you'd realised that sooner yourself.

Stop pandering to creepy bullies.
That way hopefully your son wont either.

Ps: you also need to be very careful about the message this sets for your son.

Your son is seeing you tolerate this creepy shit from men. If you don't resolve this ASAP, he'll think its normal and grow up to act like his dad.

You need to tell him that his dad and you are totally through and it's not ok for his dad to use him like some pawn to ask you on dates. And that you're sorry he's been caught in the middle of that nonsense.

I’ve repeatedly explained this to my son and my dad has also spoken to him about it. The problem is, my son understand until he sees his dad again and then his dad will emotionally manipulate him by doing a very overblown ‘sad face’ and tell our son how lonely he is etc etc 🤢 so if I say anything against that, my son blames me for making his dad sad and lonely 😬

'Your dad and I broke up 12 years ago. I'm not responsible for his loneliness now. I know you know this. I'm sorry that your dad is manipulating you, I wish I could stop him. But I can't. You know I am here for you whenever you need to talk about it though. Love you kiddo'.

You really need to put the narrative straight ASAP. Before your boy hits teenage years and thinks he too can treat you with the same contempt and control his dad does.

Definitely don't see him in person, unless it's unavoidable. Keep contact by brief text or email only. Ask your son not to pass on any information about your life too, at 12 he is quite old enough to understand why. I agree with the previous poster that it should be up to your son if he still wants contact or not. And please don't let your your ex partners attitude stop you from dating, it's none of his business what you do!

“'Your dad and I broke up 12 years ago. I'm not responsible for his loneliness now. I know you know this. I'm sorry that your dad is manipulating you, I wish I could stop him. But I can't. You know I am here for you whenever you need to talk about it though. Love you kiddo'.

You really need to put the narrative straight ASAP. Before your boy hits teenage years and thinks he too can treat you with the same contempt and control his dad does.”

This. Your ex is creating this problem, not you. And by agreeing to the dinners, you appear to be keeping the door open and giving your ex hope because he’s desperately manipulative and not a sensible or reasonable person.