Back in the dating game ... @50. What ted flags do I need to look out for while chatting ion line?

[hackmanson]

Just that.
I'm think I'm ready for a casual friendship/ dating as I have mythree teens at home with me all the time and need to be there.
I'm looking for a man who would be happy with this ... eg dinner/ cinema/ walks/ gigs and sports events every second weekend maybe .
I'm nervous though. While I've done a lot of work on boundaries since my two year relationship ended, having emptied myself for him , I want to ask for your immediate red flags with on line daters please.
I really want to protect myself but keep my boundaries tight and I've never done it before . Had a very long marriage prior to that .
Thanks

I would keep working on your boundaries and put all thoughts of dating on hold for now. It seems you are not fully ready to embark on any form of online dating as yet because you are nervous (although this can be overcome) but mainly because in your previous relationship you emptied yourself for him. Ask yourself why you did this at all and also consider what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

You've also come out of a long marriage; have you properly grieved for the ending of this?.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html is a good starting point.

I've done a phenomenal amount of work woth a psychotherapist on why I gave so much.. on why I was so pleasing and placed my own needs in the back burner .
I feel ready now but that element of nervous is normal I expect .

Hey come to the dating thread loads of tips
pasted top of the thread

AttilaTheMeerkat
problem is how long do we have to therapies and learn for ? She’s 50 !
also that link seemed to highlight abusive traits

maybe she needs to dive back in

Many other crappy dating traits exist over above the text book abuse
as I’ve happily learnt the past two years 😁

Respecting your boundaries isn't about knowing and recognising a bunch of stuff other people tell you. They're your boundaries. We don't know.

There is obvious stuff, like name calling, drug taking etc, but you don't need telling about those. Other than things that can be found online by googling abuse, it's about you walking away when a person does something that makes you feel bad. And that's it. Nobody gets to abuse you if you do that. Nobody gets into your life unless they're treating you right. Nobody gets close enough to hurt you until you're happy you feel safe with them.

Thank you.
Already ... just this weekend I've had ..

One man pushing me to give him my fb handle

One man asking me if I had good boobs

One man pushing to meet after one exchange

One man who seems chatty and decent and on my level regarding what we both want and similar professions and interests.
In two days ...

I blocked the first three immediately.

The old me would have possibly half apologetically told them I was leaving the conversation so that's progress, right!!!

Yes, progress - your instincts are good!

It might help to have some stock phrases prepared to respond to certain questions where you would have 'peiple pleased' before?

Yes, that's definitely progress and it's really all the progress you need. 'If you do stuff I don't like, I'm off', and that's the end of it. They've got no chance against your iron boundaries, and you don't waste any time or emotional energy. Sometimes you might get to know someone a bit more and they might look like a good fit, but then they drop in a comment that reveals something about them that you don't like... even then... you might want to give them one chance to talk about it, but if that doesn't clear it up for you... you're off.

Keep in mind that the right person for you will not be saying/doing things that make you uncomfortable at all, so dismissal of those who do is a step away from harm and towards your ultimate goal.

Yes I agree wholeheartedly thank you.

Can I ask which app your using? I just don't seem to get anyone vaguely interesting.

I’d say anyone who shows any sign of dismissing your feelings and boundaries is a huge red flag. Lots of time wasters on these apps who only want to have someone to talk to. I dated someone recently who came across very well on date one but by date two I was getting seriously bad vibes. Do not get over invested in anyone too quickly x

You are a braver person than me. Been single for years and I probably would enjoy the kind of companionship you are describing. Good luck with it!

Look up Natalie Lue - I think her site is called Baggage Reclaim. She writes brilliantly about boundaries and how they come under attack.

I would say the biggest red flag is a bloke who gives you a story in which your situation is the block/issue to you and him living happily ever after.

So you say you want someone who is happy to see you sporadically and realises your children will always be the priority... he'll present himself as someone looking for a full on relationship. He'll tell you this way too early, and then love bomb you. If you respond to the love bombing and throw yourself into the relationship, he'll tell you that you've changed and want something too serious. Always, you'll be the one doing the wrong thing or having the block in what is otherwise a 'perfect' relationship.

Just run as soon as he starts telling you 'his story'.

Well it sounds like you are doing really well!

Id say don’t assume or believe no matter what they tell you that any men you meet are single and looking for the same thing as you.

There was someone on here who posted once that she would end things with anyone who started sex talk before date number 10 in an effort to weed out those who were just interested in a shag.

Another often touted idea is to say no to a guy fairly early on and see how he reacts.

Watch for negging and love bombing.

You can tell a lot by how people treat waitstaff so go out for a meal early on so you can assess that

Think about what family, financial, career, life values are important to you and see how they align.

Ditch immediately any man who wants you to do something where you don’t feel safe eg early date at his place and doesn’t understand your reasons not to be put in that space.

Good luck

Thank you.
I didn't have photos up because of my job in the locality and knew a good few people on there that I didn't want knowing my business so I've just exchanged photos with that lovely guy but sadly he felt no attraction . We agreed to be honest

Normally I'd be really hurt and gutted and overthinking but I felt a relief that there was no games , no stringing along to save feelings , no delaying the inevitable .

Of course it stung but my mindset seems to have completely changed for some reason .
Perhaps before I wrapped my appearance around my feelings of self worth.
It certainly is important to me but not so much anymore it seems.
Onwards and upwards .

Spelling mistakes

Why?

I'd meet fairly quickly so you don't waste too much time chatting and building up a false sense of intimacy and familiarity.

Have a keen eye on your boundaries and don't give chances, just dump the second you see a red flag. This is actually harder to do than you think, and I frightened and shocked myself a while back by being initially prepared to see someone again who had a load of them, despite "knowing" better (fortunately fate stepped in and I got time to give my head a wobble). If you find yourself unable to act on red flags, you need to stop dating and do more work on yourself.

Keep your focus on whether you like him, not whether he likes you.

No sex or talk of sex before date number 10!!??

That's kinda insane. I don't know anyone, man or woman who would stick around to date 11 without a trial shag. That's way too much emotional investment to find out you're dating a terrible lay.

Notparticularlyslappable

agree !! I’m now targeting date 3 for that malarkey
was date 2 😱