DH and I have decided to call it a day...

[Lazylou]

There is a bit of history to this, which I will try to keep short. DH and I were together 4 months when I fell pg with DD. We have had our ups and downs and had major bust ups in the past, but this is because despite everything, we are quite different. He is 13 years older than me, and despite the very obvious age differences, music, tv, interests etc, we have, for the most part had a lovely time together.

Things lately have been pretty tough. I am 24 weeks pg with DS and due to illness and 'issues' at work, I am no longer working. This, I know has put massive pressure on DH who has literally worked all the hours to make sure the bills are paid and there is food on the table. He covered Xmas and birthdays on his income alone fo our entire family and has kept the roof over our heads. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have had to ask him to lend me money, for general things. But I did ask him about a week ago if we could stretch to some ink for the printer. I am currently writing my dissertation for uni and needed it to be able to print off my work before binding it. He gave me the money and then asked for it back, but in the meantime, DD (4) has been to the drawer where it was kept and moved it. Now, it can't be found and DH has accused me of stealing it.

This is not the first time he has accused me of stealing money from him, and this time, I saw red. It was bad enough the first time, but to be accused again, has as far as I'm cocnerned, overstepped the mark and I'm not prepared to live in a relationship where he just doesn't trust me. I have tried to find a job for myself, to take the pressure off him and to earn my own money but it has been extrmemely difficult because of my pg.

Anyway, I have told him I want him to move out of our flat. It is my name on the agreement but I just don't see how we can carry on as we are. I don't feel devestated like I though I would. In fact, it feels as if a weight has been lifted. I have managed to get myself a little part time job working evening weekends, for which I will need him to look after DD on one of the nights. My parents have been brilliant and agreed to have her the rest of the time. She currently goes to school nursery and with doing my degree and being pg, it just wasn't viable to work full time.

He is saying he won't pay the rent from this week, which although I am worried about, I am totally ok with because he won't actually be living there. He has said that he will continue to pay the arrears and I have rebuffed his offer. I don't want any financial help from him at all to be honest. He thinks I am being a martyr. I just fail to see how I can accept money from him after all the arguments about money. It doesn't feel right and I'm not happy to do it.

We have been here before many times and now I've had enough of it all. I'm tired of fighting for something that just falls apart so easily. It's not fair on either of us, and especially not DD. He came to pick her up today and has taken her out and although I trust him with her, I have a horrible feeling that he is going to take the piss and not bring her back until late. I can't seem to shake it off, although I know its early days and I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's just really weird and I'm worried about how I will cope financially, as well as when DS arrives and I have 2 kids on my own. As I say, my folks have been brilliant and I am sure they will support me, but I can't help feeling frightened and apprehensive about what our future holds.

For the record, I do actually love him, despite all this, but I know deep down that we can't go on like this, so I am going to embrace my lone parent status and fight through the difficult, scary times for the sake of my kids.

Thanks for reading this, if you got all the way to the bottom! I didn't know where else to get a non-involved point of view and thought where better than MN where I know countless paretns go through this every day.

Well done for making the decision that is best for you and your dc.

have you phoned tax credit people as you will probably be entitled to more child credit and possibly working tax credit, also would you qualify for any housing benefit or council tax reduction (my brother used to get 20% reduction when he was the only adult living in his house)

Good luck with your pg and hope he brings dd home on time

Really sorry about your dillema - it does seem as though you are set on this and are coping very well with it - but regardless of his attitude to giving you money - which I find very strange - you are a family and you should be there for one another - financially and emotionally - he still has a responsibility to you and the kids financially - I would tell him that you are going to see a solicitor and the CSA - don;t cut your nose off to spite your face and make things harder than they necessarily need to be!

Good Luck!

Tx

Hi, Lou. This isn't about anyone else though, it's about you and this makes it important. The MN on the site are some of the most supportiva and caring people I have (never) met and make life so much better. I'm really sorry that you are having such a tough time at the moment. It's just a turning point. Your lif's changing so much at the moment and that's bound to be frightening and to leave you feeling lost and vulnerable. Stick with your degree, it will make your future better as it will increase your job opportunities and will help you to provide for your family. You have recognised that things at home can not go on as they have before and I think that you are very brave. It's easy to stick with things but they end up consuming you. There's always a way to manage, things always turn out for the best. You need to go and have a chat to the benefits office, the university have an access to learning fund so you could ask them for some money as your circumstances have changed. Don't worry about your future. It's early days so take one day at a time. Get your head around what has happened first then take it from there. You can build a new future for you and your children. It won't be easy and there will be days when you'll think that you've made a massive mistake and you'll feel overwhelmed. Stick with it. It's just a bad day, a distraction from your goals. You're a brave woman, I know that things will be ok for you.

I don't really understand arguments about money when one partner is not working for whatever reason. In a marriage, all money belongs to both parties. It is a general pot out of which all the family's needs are met. At least, that's how it works in our house. We've never had "his" money and "my" money.

It does strike me that you are being a bit of a martyr in rebuffing his offer to clear the rent arrears. As you say, you are working very little and will not really be in a position to pay these yourself. He will have to pay maintenance for your dd - and indeed you as you are married.

Get on to the housing benefit people and also council tax benefit. You will need to apply for income support and tax credits.

You say that you will fight through the difficult, scary times for the sake of your kids, but I don't actually see how they are suffering with him being around. You say he doesn't trust you, but you yourself are anticipating him breaching your trust by bringing dd back late.

Are you sure this isn't something you could resolve with marriage counselling?

sorry you're having all this stress, but it does sound like you are sure of what you're doing. Do remember though he has some financial responsibility for dd and will have for ds and given your limited earning capaity whilst pregnant and even into future with childcare complications for you too. I don't think you should feel bad accepting money from him and he shouldn't feel "bad" giving it. It is his moral and legal responsibility. Good luck!

Thanks for all your positive comments! I am feeling strangely ok about all of this, apart from the obvious thoughts whizzing through my head. I have just had a look on the Gingerbread site and apparently, there is all manner of things I can look into. I'm currently not on benefits, so I will be heading to the Job Centre to get the ball rolling there, as well as talking to uni about other things I might be entitled to.

Although the situation is messed up, it just feels 'right' and I know that in the early days it will be hard but I also know that things will get better and DD, DS and I will be ok. Just got to keep thinking positive! He currently pays the internet bill, so I imagine that until I am settled, this will be a short lived support network, but I will be back lol.

Thanks again, your words mean a lot to me.

Dilbertina, we have been in this place many times before and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to go to counselling about it. Maybe that is a defeatist attitude, but I think this is the only right thing to do. He wouldn't go anyway, he hates all that talking to others about our issues. We certainly don't do it at home and that is probably what has led us here.

You can use free internet at uni, mine's virgin, only £10 a month. Glad you are ok and taking some positive action. You should be proud!

Thanks avenanap. I am feeling ok about it all. He was 2 hours late bringing her home, so you can imagine what I was like. But he was friendly and polite so can't really knock him for that. He has since paid the electric for this month so I am (grudgingly) grateful for that. One less thing to worry about!

It does sound like you have made your mind up, and its stressful being in this kind of situation, I am not doubting that.

I am just wondering, being devil's advocate here and not intending to be patronising here, but you are 24 weeks pg, and you have had issues with illness, work and finances.

is this a good time to be making such a significant change to your life? Is it really what you want, or are you overwhelmed by everthing?

Could this be resolveable if you were not pregnant, or would this have occured anyway?

I agree with Pavlov
Although its very upsetting that he accused you of stealing, it is probably a high stress time for both of you.

I think sometimes when there are so many things that seem out of our control in life, then relationships become an easy target - they are easily changed, and that brings back that feeling of being in control.

Either way, take the money.

Even if you don't need it, put it aside for dc's

Maybe it would help to talk about how you deal with your finances when you are not working. If previously you have always both had independent incomes, it can be difficult when one partner is suddenly without one and, if you have always had this attitude that yours is yours and his is his, then that can lead to stress on both sides.

You are pregnant, hormonal, have work issues and then he accuses you of stealing. Clearly you have reacted to that, but possibly in too extreme, but understandable, a way.

Your thread title says that you and dh have decided to call it a day, but, from your post, it sounds like it is wholely your decision. Could you not talk things through?

We have tried all the talking and we still seem to be getting nowhere. I'm struggling a bit today and nearly told him he could stay, but deep down, I know that is not the answer.

He is still being nice as pie which is a bit worrying because he would normally have launched himself into full on depression. His Mum came to visit last night and I had to pretend that nothing was happening because he hadn't told her yet. It was difficult, but we got through the visit. He said he would leave as a matter of urgency, because he feels as though I am making things awkward for us all. I have gone out of my way to try not to make things awkward. I have been friendly and polite, and tried to be relatively normal with him, but it is so difficult. I am starting to doubt whether him leaving is the right thing, but I think it is because I am worried about the future that is making me feel like this.

He asked if he could stay until the end of the week if he slept on the sofa, which I agreed to. It's all come about quite quickly so I thought that it would be fair to allow him some time to make arrangements. I woke up this morning and he was in bed with me. It was too weird.

I was doing some washing this morning and did a few bits of his, he said thanks but started questioning why I would do it. I asked him if he would like me to leave his some dinner tonight, as I will be at work and again he questioned it. I told him I was trying to make things easier for us both and he shrugged and left for work.

I don't know whether he is happy about this or not. I think he is more pissed off that he has to find somewhere else to go. I reckon we could stay together, just not live together for a while. He suggested staying together because of the DCs and I refused. I just don't feel like I know him anymore

My guess is that he is looking for little signs that you still love him. You washing his clothes, offering him a meal etc. I may have got this totally wrong but, I don't think he actually wants to leave.

This is all very sad. It's a shame that you can't see your way to working things out

Just a thought but, have you got other reasons for wanting him to leave, besides the money issue? It's not just an excuse is it?

No, he's not looking for little signs. He's told me today that he is going to buy himself a whole new wardrobe when he leaves here because he doesn't intend on being single for very long. I'm going to leave him my kids and move myself out of here. I've had enough of it all. He hasn't loved me for ages nad his insistence that he finds himself someone new proves it. It's only been a week ffs. DD told me today that she loves him more than me and wants to live with him so as far as I'm concerned, he can find himself someone better and a better mother for his kids. He obviously has the funds to provide a better quality of life for them both so he can have the job.

Don't understand why I've bothered wasting 5 years of my life to end up like this, The only thing keeping me here is my kids but now it seems even they aren't bothered what happens to me. I want to get smashed, but I daren't because of the baby. I want to die, but I'm too much of a wuss to do anything about it.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and realised the reason why he's gone off me. I'm fat and miserable, lazy and slovenly. What a catch! They will all be better off without me.

Thanks for your kind support over the last week with this. I really appreciate it, but I can't see myself getting past this and I don't think I can really be bothered to try.

Oh Lou, your last post made me really sad. Oh course your DD cares a lot about you, she's only 4, you are her life.

Getting over a long term relationship is really tough, you will go through loads of different emotions, but just try to ride this downer out, your life will get better!!

Your H probably said those things about finding someone else because he is hurting too and wants to try to make himself feel better and also hurt you for leaving him.

I hope you feel stronger soon.

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry you are going through this but please, don't be so down on yourself.
I still think he is saying those things for a reaction from you. I know he is being cruel but, I think he is hurting too and this is his way of showing it. Maybe he is feeling rejected and is trying to convince himself more than you. I really hate to admit this because I am so embarrassed byt it now, it seems so childish and cruel but, when my DP and me were going through a really tough patch I too used to say similar things to the ones your DH is saying. And I said them because not only did I want a reaction from my DP, I wanted him to want me, to fight for me. It was emotional blackmail I think your DH is doing the same.

Could your self esteem be low at the moment? Do you think that subconsciously you could be pushing him away because you feel so low about yourself?

Please don't leave your children. They need you and you need them! Your little girl is only 4, she won't have the first idea of the impact her words have had on you, but also, if you were not so depressed and so down on yourself, you wouldn't have taken them so badly.

Please keep posting, keep talking to us, let us help you through this xx

I don't want to be depressed and I don't want to leave her or give DS over when he's born, but I can't give them what they need. I am such a failure at everything so they would be better off with him. I'm supposed to enjoy being pg and looking forward to my boy meeting my girl, but right now, I can't think of anything more awful than what is going to happen once he is here. The only thing I know I will be any good at, is loving them like they have never been loved before but unfortnately, this isn't going to feed, clothe them or keep a roof over their heads.

I think you should talk to either your midwife or your GP. It does seem that you have depression and this will make everything appear worse. You need some support. When is the baby due?

End of May. I have been so looking forward to it, to being a proper family, but now I don't see a happy future at all. He won't even talk to me now, but doesn't appear to be in a rush to go either. He promised he would sleep on the sofa until the end of the week, yet I've woken up every morning with him in bed next to me. The he says things like, as I paid for this that and the other, will it be ok if I use this that and the other.

My kids don't need me. Not in this state anyway. He seems happy enough, well, enough to want to go straight out and find someone else so it would be better for them to be in a positive environment, then when I've had the baby, I can get lashed and let them all get on with it.

I've tried my very best for my family. I'm shit at a lot of things, but I thought I could at least hold it together. Apparently not.

Because you are depressed you are seeing the negative side of everything. I honestly do not think your DH wants to leave. I thnk you need to do some straight talking. Ask him outright if he thinks breaking up is the answer, if it's what he really wants. Then that gets all this second guessing out of the way because, thats what you are doing. You are trying to work things out from observation of his actions. Just ask him! Once you know where you stand you can work on things from there. If he doesn't want to leave and you don't want him to either then you can work on building your relationship bak up again. All of these mixed messages must be doing your head in and won't be helping you at all!

I don't really think either of you want to split. You said you still love him and by all accounts he seems to have stuck by you and supported you through some difficult times.

It sounds as though the huge stress you have both been under has taken it's toll! Being under financial pressure IS VERY VERY STRESSFUL.

I'm sure with some good counselling you could sort a lot of this out. The main thing being the 'his' and 'hers' money. When dh and I first got married we had problems with this but we argued/talked it out and now 5 yrs on I am SAHM and he earns but the money is the families NOT HIS! It just goes into a joint account and that's that- if I need to buy shopping, shoes for dc, his birthday present or something for myself- I do!

If you get this sorted out things could be very different for you.

However, that does not mean you shouldn't leave him if you really want to and deep down believe it is for the best. I'm just saying that stress can make everyone a bit loopy and you don't always make good judgements in that fram of mind. We are all here to help and support you, whatever you decide.

BTW I think you can apply for a surestart maternity grant before you have the baby- it's £500.

oh and your dd only said that because she's scared about what's happening and her deepest fear is that you'll leave her! That is any little girl's worst nightmare. As has been said- you are her world- reassure her that you and dh both love her and nothing will ever change that.