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Original poster

Different relationship styles

16 replies

Livelifelaughter · 12/03/2023 13:31

Having a conversation with BF recently. We have been dating 8 months. Everyone seems to talking about attachment styles. We were talking recently, he has an avoidant attachment style by his own admission, finds it difficult to plan things months ahead for example we tend to plan things just a few/2 months ahead. I have an anxious attachment style in some respects but not all, I wouldn't for example feel comfortable planning to go away at Christmas 2023, But I am also much more comfortable in enjoying the relationship and letting things move along without necessarily ruminating on the future. We have both been married before and are in our 50s- neither of us has a desire to re marry and while I could see us living together it isn't something I would want in the foreseeable future. We go away together and separately with our friends. Are any of you in a similar position and how do you deal with it ? I think we both know that we have a real connection and there's something special in the relationship which has kept it going.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 12/03/2023 13:41

I saw a video on FB recently of a couple coming home from holiday. One had little hearts around his head and was happy while the other was panicking about when he was next going to be alone.
That actually happened to me once and was hard.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2023 14:10

I'd be very careful not to use 'attachment styles' as an excuse for parts of the relationship you are uncomfortable with. You do know it was a study conducted on TODLERS right? However it may have been adapted since...

I'm not rely sure what your issue is by your post...you seem to be saying that neither of you care about future plans much and are just playing it by ear...so what's the problem?

I would have assumed maybe there's a lack of reassurance from one side that the other side is committed to long term? Based on the attachment style comment as thar might be a common issue between these 'types'. ?

Dery · 12/03/2023 14:17

Like PP, I worry a bit about this attachment style terminology because I think it can be used to excuse/justify poor behaviour in relationships. You’re only 8 months in; if he’s happy to plan a couple of months ahead, that seems reasonably committed to me. The longer you stay together, the longer in advance you can expect to make plans but it’s still relatively early days.

GreyCarpet · 12/03/2023 14:24

Dery · 12/03/2023 14:17

Like PP, I worry a bit about this attachment style terminology because I think it can be used to excuse/justify poor behaviour in relationships. You’re only 8 months in; if he’s happy to plan a couple of months ahead, that seems reasonably committed to me. The longer you stay together, the longer in advance you can expect to make plans but it’s still relatively early days.

This.

It can be a useful tool in understanding yourself and your needs but beyond that, I wouldn't recommend using it as a way of navigating a relationship.

Tbh, if I was dating someone and they started talking about our attachment styles, I'd hear blah blah blah and this is not someone who is interested in taking responsibility for themselves but someone who is going to behave like a dick and then say, "Yeah, but my attachment style..."

Most adults think of it in terms of different approaches to doing stuff and caring enough about the other person to find a compromise.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 12/03/2023 14:52

GreyCarpet · 12/03/2023 14:24

This.

It can be a useful tool in understanding yourself and your needs but beyond that, I wouldn't recommend using it as a way of navigating a relationship.

Tbh, if I was dating someone and they started talking about our attachment styles, I'd hear blah blah blah and this is not someone who is interested in taking responsibility for themselves but someone who is going to behave like a dick and then say, "Yeah, but my attachment style..."

Most adults think of it in terms of different approaches to doing stuff and caring enough about the other person to find a compromise.

Show quote history

Yes, I would agree with this. I think these are more labels to define different approaches. I think he's got himself a bit wound up on the idea of looking to the future and feeling uncomfortable whereas I am a bit more see how it goes, this is someone I really adore, love spending time with etc and we will see what the future holds. He seems to think it's wrong to not want to plan something 9 months away and then starts questioning whether this is right or wrong...

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2023 14:59

Imo it would be mad to book something 9 months away in a relationship you've only been in for 8 months. Fair enough if you had been together years and were married maybe but otherwise nope.

I have 'secure attachment' style (if we buy into it) and I still wouldn't want to book things 9 months ahead with some guy i hadn't even known a year.

Winemygoodenemy · 12/03/2023 15:12

@Livelifelaughter I have an avoidant attachment style and it always stalled relationships in the past. I decided to try and ignore this with my current DP. At the start I didn’t plan more than 3 weeks ahead. He was optimistic and liked to plan ahead. Even at 5 months in suggesting booking a holiday for 6 months away.

We agreed to book annual leave from work and book it closer to time. It’s now booked for 3 months time.

something just clicked with him. As soon as I felt his actions matched words I started to relax

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 12/03/2023 18:48

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2023 14:59

Imo it would be mad to book something 9 months away in a relationship you've only been in for 8 months. Fair enough if you had been together years and were married maybe but otherwise nope.

I have 'secure attachment' style (if we buy into it) and I still wouldn't want to book things 9 months ahead with some guy i hadn't even known a year.

Agree with you. Even though I would label myself as anxious, 9 months ahead in a relationship that's 8 months old seems to far a head...

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 12/03/2023 18:49

Winemygoodenemy · 12/03/2023 15:12

@Livelifelaughter I have an avoidant attachment style and it always stalled relationships in the past. I decided to try and ignore this with my current DP. At the start I didn’t plan more than 3 weeks ahead. He was optimistic and liked to plan ahead. Even at 5 months in suggesting booking a holiday for 6 months away.

We agreed to book annual leave from work and book it closer to time. It’s now booked for 3 months time.

something just clicked with him. As soon as I felt his actions matched words I started to relax

This is really helpful. I might make the same suggestion.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/03/2023 19:12

If you're in a healthy and compatible relationship, you don't have to think about attachment styles, because you're not having to 'reconcile' one of you against the other. Both people need to attach in roughly the same way or not care how the other attaches, and in either instance, you wouldn't be here.

Forget about it. If you end up in may situations where you differ drastically in attachment style, you'll split up. The way to deal with attachment styles is to recognise that the solution isn't about making changes to the relationship you're in, but about changing who you're with.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 12/03/2023 19:29

Watchkeys · 12/03/2023 19:12

If you're in a healthy and compatible relationship, you don't have to think about attachment styles, because you're not having to 'reconcile' one of you against the other. Both people need to attach in roughly the same way or not care how the other attaches, and in either instance, you wouldn't be here.

Forget about it. If you end up in may situations where you differ drastically in attachment style, you'll split up. The way to deal with attachment styles is to recognise that the solution isn't about making changes to the relationship you're in, but about changing who you're with.

Interesting. But relationships do take effort, compromise and a willingness work at issues.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/03/2023 19:37

Yes, which is why I said forget it and let it play out. Do what you feel is right in the moment, and if enough of the moments don't tally with what you want, you'll leave. Labelling it as 'We have different attachment styles' doesn't really make any difference. Labelling it as 'We are happy'/'We get on'/'We resolve problems well together' etc is actually relevant. You may have different attachment styles to the extent that you will be unhappy together or you may not. It's the 'happy' part that counts, not the label.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 12/03/2023 20:00

Watchkeys · 12/03/2023 19:37

Yes, which is why I said forget it and let it play out. Do what you feel is right in the moment, and if enough of the moments don't tally with what you want, you'll leave. Labelling it as 'We have different attachment styles' doesn't really make any difference. Labelling it as 'We are happy'/'We get on'/'We resolve problems well together' etc is actually relevant. You may have different attachment styles to the extent that you will be unhappy together or you may not. It's the 'happy' part that counts, not the label.

Thanks very much for explaining.

OP posts:
Winemygoodenemy · 13/03/2023 11:57

@Livelifelaughter relax. I had a stream of rubbish relationships with constantly being let down. This projected on to DP and how I was feeling and being avoidant. Safer to avoid than being let down.

my friend asked why I was feeling negative towards DP when he seemed to be doing everything perfectly fine. I then let my guard down and enjoyed him - I feel less avoidant now. DP was paying the price of other guys and it wasn’t his fault

DP has noticed a difference. Year in and we are happy. Things planned for the future and moving in together.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 13:16

Winemygoodenemy · 13/03/2023 11:57

@Livelifelaughter relax. I had a stream of rubbish relationships with constantly being let down. This projected on to DP and how I was feeling and being avoidant. Safer to avoid than being let down.

my friend asked why I was feeling negative towards DP when he seemed to be doing everything perfectly fine. I then let my guard down and enjoyed him - I feel less avoidant now. DP was paying the price of other guys and it wasn’t his fault

DP has noticed a difference. Year in and we are happy. Things planned for the future and moving in together.

You couldn't have a word with my bf ?!

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 13/03/2023 13:22

Been with mine for 20+ years , no idea what attachment style we adopt.

I think people these days need to delve into every minute thing.
If it works , it works , if not move on.

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