How do I let him down gently?

[Ichangedmyusernameagain]

I met this man through work a few weeks back and just managed to avoid exchanging numbers.

I did not think I would see him
again, but it looks like we will see each other again today. Arghh! Despite taking a like to him I am in a relationship so will not act on it.

I am usually blunt with guys that show interest but karma is a real
bitch and had it back at me. I am
more mature now so would like to take a more mature approach.

Please give me a few ideas wise mumsnetters!

Um... Well don't flirt with him, don't stop just short of exchanging numbers when you're in a relationship and tell him that you're in a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not rocket science.

You sound like you are tempted TBH.

I don’t really understand the issue here. From the heading, I assumed you were dating someone and wanted out. But you’re not involved with him at all so I don’t see where letting him down gently comes in.

All that said, when you’re committed to someone, it’s possible to not behave in a way that suggests you’re available. It sounds as if you signalled to him that you were available. That’s a pretty shitty way to treat your BF and you might not be too chuffed if you found out he had done similar. You can’t change what’s done but when you next encounter him just be breezy and mention your BF at the first opportunity. Also take the lesson that this has given you and adjust your behaviour going forward - unless you’re not that committed to your relationship, of course.

You just say you have a boyfriend surely….

'Well as flattered as I am, I have a boyfriend so it wouldn't really be appropriate to exchange numbers'.

Done.

Remember his full name though and next time you're single you can look him up on social media ;)

Thank you all, we only saw each other for 2 min every couple of hours, so it was easy to keep it professional. It did feel
awkward though. I did not flirt at all, yesterday or previously, my partner comes up in conversations quite easily normally but with this guy it did not happen as I was not talking about stuff outside work. It was just a strong feeling he likes me as he was more interested than others in asking questions, use all his spare time to chat to me, looked disappointed when he thought he wasn't going to see me again, etc. He did not cross a line and came across quite shy in a way. So I could not just blurt out I was in a relationship and am not interested when the whole context was work related talk.
@Dery you probably only read my post between the lines. My partner would
be a lot
more understanding than you think, and he certainly knows I get a lot of attention since I work in a male dominated environment. I never thought in the past about the harsh way I was rejecting people until life slapped in the face with a likewise rejection. So yes, I am not ashamed to admit I like this guy enough to care about how I make him aware I am not available. Especially that I do not want to make future encounters more awkward than yesterday. If you happen to know how a woman can signal she is available when she is not, please tell me. I am honestly interested so I know what to look out for on the future.

What makes you think he's interested in you in that way, OP? Could he just be one of those friendly types?

If you happen to know how a woman can signal she is available when she is not, please tell me. I am honestly interested so I know what to look out for on the future.

People do this every day. The previous comments have told you how. This is not a complicated situation, but you seem determined to create an issue where there is none. Why?

Well if there was no flirting and no inappropriateness you need to backtrack from then I can't see what the problem is.

You carry on speaking professionally about work and then walk away. If he asks for your number at the end then you say, "It's been nice chatting with you but I have a boyfriend so I won't be doing that"

I wouldn't worry about 'letting him down gemtly'. You don't need to it's unlikely he's pining after you night after night.

You're just one of many women he sees on a daily basis and has looked at and thought, "Yeah, I would." That is it.

@gillywiththedogs I did take that option in consideration as well. How stupid would that have made me look if I came up with a line I dont think it’s appropriate? It’s just the fact that he makes himself a lot more available and a very strong feeling that I cannot explain. That’s all. Sometimes you just know. Like he probably knows. But it doesn't mean that I would act on it.

He makes himself available to you but do you know for sure he's not making himself as available to others, OP?
I'm trying to imagine the context of how you got to the point of exchanging numbers? Was there a mutual point of interest? Like, for me, it's dog walking, so me and DH will exchange numbers with other dog walkers. People we don't know but might see regularly.

@GreyCarpet
”You're just one of many women he sees on a daily basis and has looked at and thought, "Yeah, I would." That is it. “

I keep telling myself that😀

All of this in 2 minutes every few hours?

Definitely sounds like it!

So he hasn't asked you out, but you're expecting him to do so, possibly in a roundabout way such as ask for your personal number to discuss work as he is quite shy?

1. If he asks directly for a date or your number to chat with a view to a date, turn him down politely and unapologetically 'thanks but I have a partner'.

2. Personal number to continue the work conversation? 'yes, I'd be happy to talk about XYZ project further. Here's my work email address'. Any comment about this then reply 'I assure you it's nothing personal but I prefer to use my work email/ phone to discuss operational stuff'. If it then turns into 1) then reply as above.

3. Would you fancy a drink/ bite immediately after the event but doesn't specify whether he means as a date-type-thing? 'Thanks but I'm meeting my partner for dinner/ the gym/ whatever'.

4. Drink or coffee some other time and again, you're not sure if he means work, social or a date? Reply as in 2).

Preemptively try and slip your partner into conversation. Glance at your phone and say 'excuse me a sec, it's my partner texting about plans tonight/ the car's MOT/ something. I'd better quickly reply'.

@gillywiththedogs in the past there were days when he showed up for work half an hour early, nothing unusual, but he spent all the time talking to
me and I had nowhere to go as I was in my office or pretend as I was busy as it was really quiet. He used to do the same job so he took that as a conversation starter despite the fact that I wasn't asking questions. Last day in a row of a few, we said to each other I’ll see you when I’ll see you basically, to which he replied I can give you my number and I sent him off as he was running late.When he finished he lingered on for a few minutes but realised I was busy and left. Come on, some of you know the situation when you sense someone is interested but when you say I am not they make it out like you were the one imagining things since they did not say anything specific. It’s not rocket science, some people don’t take rejection well.And then they go talking about it too. And yes, I am aware he may have the same dynamic with other women too, that’s why I would not mix with work related people even if i was single.

@yousexybugger thank you for taking the time to reply and give a constructive answer.
I did not come here to write a novel, I felt I had an issue I could not voice IRL and was looking for some sensible advice not sarcasm. As an example, advised someone yesterday about doing their shopping in their own time to avoid departing late and they stopped talking to me altogether. So yeah, men can behave very childishly sometimes.

I am usually blunt with guys that show interest but karma is a real
bitch and had it back at me. I am
more mature now so would like to take a more mature approach.

WTF does this even mean?

I met this man through work a few weeks back and just managed to avoid exchanging numbers.
Why all the drama?
New bloke at work asks for number, you decline to give it. There's no just managed to avoid about it - you just say no thanks.
"I don't date colleagues, also I'm in a relationship but thanks for asking".

You already know what to do, you've said you're usually blunt so you've clearly dealt with this situation before. There's nothing immature about bluntness - so long as you remain polite, it's the best way: no room for confusion or boundary-pushing.

Tbh, men can willfully ignore the signs of disinterest from anyone at anytime. I wouldn't worry about letting them down gently.

Your op made it sound as though you'd been flirting with someone but stopped just short of swapping numbers thinking it was harmless because you wouldn't see them again but were now worrying that you were going to see them again amd they'd want to pick up where you left off.

That is why you got sarky replies.

Your later posts paint a picture of a shy man who seeks you out without any encouragement from you.

Now I don't know which of those is closest to the truth 🤷🏻‍♀️

But you don't have to let men you have no involvement with outside of a professional capacity down gently. You need to be honest, clear and direct with them. You need to drop your partner into conversation. You can do this evening in a work capacity. Eg "I told my partner last night..." and then insert some random innocuous work related snippet.

@GreyCarpet I dropped the partner in conversation like you suggested. I saw him again last week for a few days and he always wanted to spend time chatting. After partner was dropped in conversation his chatting stopped. I saw him again after that for short spells and it really felt weird. It also made me feel really sad I have to say, as had I been single I would have 😀This whole situation triggered some past heartache I experienced in my relationship that I thought I had gone over.

It also made me feel really sad I have to say, as had I been single I would have 😀

I think that's what everyone picked up on before.

The problem, as I see it, is that I might see someone and be aware that, if I were single, he'd be the sort of man I'd be interested in, but I'd never feel sad a about a 'missed opportunity'.

Maybe time for a bit of soul searching.

Is your relationship meeting all of your needs?

Why did you feel.sad about it?

Wy is the attention from another man so important?

If it is the past heartache in your relationship, maybe you need to revisit that.

What do you think you're letting him down from?

I don’t find the attention from another man important, just unnecessary. And I will explain why: my DP and I have had a 2 decade long relationship. About 3 years into it he left the country for a few months for studies. It transpires he cheated on me shortly after he left with someone he met while travelling. Soon after he came back we left our home country and never returned to this day. The plans to leave were made before he left for studies. As I became suspicious something was not right while he was away studying, he confirmed he had cheated on me. We were already financially and visa wise entangled so I decided to stick with the plan of moving as I didn’t want to prove my parents right as they didn’t want me to leave in the first place. I was young, and stubborn, and wanted to prove so many things. The pain I experienced due to the cheating was horrendous though. And I admit I was too weak to leave him. I had attempted to break up at the beginning of our stay in the current country of residence, but could not stick to it. We were the only people we knew in a new place, new culture. It took me years to get over this, and things started to get back on track. I do remember that when the pain was new and raw, I wanted to feel the same way for someone else, that I shouldn’t have to go though so much grief.
Fast forward to a few years ago, I have a huge crush on someone I did not even like physically or spiritually. I tried really hard to look for a logic in this, but could not find one. I did a lot of soul searching back then, reconsidered my relationships with friends as well. Our relationship has issues, partly due to us being so different, but while I tried to address them at the time and not much changed, I would have to say I could not see myself trying to find someone else. I am in my early forties now, and not interested at all to find someone else.
Now this guy seems like a decent one, but I am not fooling myself into thinking he might turn up to be a better one than my DP. We have recently became even more entangled financially due to buying a property as well.

I don’t understand why have to feel this way about this guy. I feel a connection, it feels we both know we like each other but we leave it at that.

So yes, I am aware that there are issues with my relationship, I tried working on them without much success, but what is the point of getting my head turned? And before I get betrayed for my past crush, my partner was aware of it.

I also wanted to add that I do not understand why I got my wish after so many years, when I had gone over my initial pain. I learnt to accept it but why do I need a reminder of it once in a while now? This is why I am sad, because it reminds me of all the pain and frustration I had to overcome. I thought I left that in the past.

“I don’t give my personal number out to work colleagues” should do it

@Rainbowshine he hasn’t asked for it. He had plenty of occasions afterwards. But it it’s a good answer that I need to keep in mind.