DS girlfriend

[Goawaypeppa]

Let me start this by saying I do not get involved with ds relationships and only ever offer advice when it’s asked for, and just on the situation, not the person.

He came home unexpectedly last night and asked for a private chat.

He is 20 and had been seeing a girl not, not for long at all. They were friends for a while before they started seeing each other. She is his first proper girlfriend.

He was due to stay all weekend at her house as her parents are away (her parents invited him to stay).

Ds came home last night saying that he’s had to break up with her as he thinks she is very controlling and he didn’t like the way things were going.

It came to a head yesterday as he facetimed us in the afternoon while at her house. I had text him earlier and said his little sisters had got certificates from an activity and if he had time, could he quickly facetime them when he was free as they wanted to show him (he’s very close to his younger siblings, age 2 and 8).

Anyway, he called them for a few
minuets, all good.

Apparently, this caused lots of upset. She was very angry that he spoke to them on her time and she ended up crying and throwing things saying she couldn’t believe he told other women he loved them (me and his sisters, just “love you, see you tomorrow), and if that ever happened again, she would smash our faces in.

He walked out of her house when she said that and came home, he was so shocked.

Two of their friends were there as well, ds said they were texting him after they left saying you were right to leave, they had calmed her down but they couldn’t believe what she had said and had left shortly after.

Ds said it was the final straw, there’s been other incidences recently where she has told him she doesn’t want him speaking to certain women at work, which is impossible given what ds does (she’s in the same career and knows the people she told him not to speak to), he only had instagram for a hobby he does but he said she demanded a few weeks ago that he had to hand over his phone check his messages when ever she asked and she had got angry a few weeks ago when I text ds while he was with her (it was just a funny photo I sent to ds and MIL, I wasn’t expecting a reply), she was shouting at him to give her my number so she could have a go at me. He didn’t, he told her she was overreacting and said he cut that date short.

Anyway, I just told him that he was right to walk away. And that he’s right to feel uncomfortable if someone is acting in a controlling way and that none of the things he told me are normal or acceptable in a good relationship. He spoke to dh too who obviously said all the same things and told him that if someone tries to alienate you from friends and family, it’s a huge red flag. Which ds said he already knew which is why he ended it.

He’s just a bit gutted. It’s not a great experience for your first relationship, is it? He says it’s put him off dating for a long time.

I am also very glad that mutual friends were there yesterday so that he’s got their perspective too.

I just feel a bit shit for him really and I hope dh and I handled it okay - I’m glad he can come to us with things like this.

They tell each other all the time. It’s lovely. I love hearing them all have little chats around the house and it’s always, “I love you” at the end. It melts my heart when I hear that. I’m very lucky, they all adore each other even with the big age gaps.

Ds tells me and dh he loves us every time he says goodbye and sometimes randomly. I never had that growing up, so I made sure when I had children they always heard it and it’s rubbed off.

Yeah, I think that's very level headed and a good way to handle it.

Most relationships are about what you don’t want more than what you do want -

He did the right thing. He’s lost nothing.

Definitely keep any messages from her in case she tries to make things difficult for DS.
Good that his friends were at hand to witness her behaviour.
Good for you DS for walking away

Oh wow what a lovely young man he is, amd so sorry he had to experience that in his first relationship.

However, as PP have said, he needs to have a confidential chat with either his tutor or with HR as given her behaviour, it seems likely she will make waves in the workplace.Also, if it is a high-pressure environment he needs to feel safe there to be able to work.

And just to say, you and your DH have done an amazing job with your son. He sounds like he will be a great husband and partner to the right lady.

Holy smokes, I would say this is why I prefer to be friends with the person first, but as he was already friends I guess it's not always a good strategy to see a person's personality

He sounds really great. She sounds insane. You say they are in some sort of harrowing situations with work and I wondered if they were in the paramedic sector. Obviously you won't want to reveal this but I wondered whether her temperament would have an impact on vulnerable people.

What a great ds you have brought up op. He obviously has strength and good moral judgment. This is a crappy experience for him , but may serve him well in the future of what to look out for with regard to 'red flags'.

I would generally avoid getting entangled with work colleagues/flatmates/classmates because if it doesn’t work out then it’s difficult to avoid that person from then on and it can become downright awkward. It usually becomes a “grin and bear it” or an “either she/he leaves or I leave” sticky situation.

You have obviously brought your son up to know what is right and wrong. She sounds nuts and he has definitely had a lucky escape.

I’d congratulate your son on walking away. You have raised him well and you should be proud. It will be hard for him but at that age he can bounce back quickly and I’m sure he will meet another girl who appreciates him soon.

My DS had a similar short relationship when we was 17 - she was controlling, although not to the extent your son had to suffer.

I was a good life lesson for him and I was proud that he saw the signs and got out.

Hea in his 30's now and married to a wonderful women.

I don’t know him but I’m so proud of him for being young and not stupid enough to stay and put up with her behaviour. Well
done for raising a great young man. He’ll be so grateful for your advice and support.

Thanks all.

Cold light of day, we’ve had another chat and he’s actually okay about it all. He said that he was just so upset that she had used the term “smash their faces in” about a 2 and 8 year old and he couldn’t forgive that, it’s just a crazy thing to say, heat of the moment or not, it’s a sick thing to say.

Added to all her other behaviour that was making him have second thoughts anyway, he said it was a step too far and that was it for him, he knew he didn’t like her anymore.

He’s always been very black and white, I don’t think I’ve ever known him to go back on a decision, so there wouldn’t be a chance of him getting back with her.

And he’s absolutely resolute that he will never date anyone from work again and that he just wants to concentrate on work for a while anyway without any distractions.

Waiting for the pregnancy claim.

I'm not sure what they're training to become, but she sounds unsuitable for quite a lot of things with get current values and issues. Maybe she/her family needs signposted to counselling for her. If her family don't know they can't try to help her.

Don’t. Fucking hell, could you even imagine.

Though many ppl are not receptive to that sort of "advice" about their kids, it's got to be said

There's worse than that she could claim, sorry.

At least a pregnancy claim would be disproven sooner or later; false allegations are not so black and white.

Hopefully she won't but best to have a plan.

Dear God. Tell him life’s too short to put up with that sort of shit

Your DS has absolutely done the right thing here, and early in the relationship. It gets much harder the longer they are together.
I have a DC in a similar situation and they are finding it incredibly hard to extricate themselves; there are threats of suicide and blackmail from the other party. It has been going on for some three years now. I despair of the situation but there is little to nothing we can do to help, except listen and reiterate that DH and I will always be there whenever they need us.
We wait and hope. Meanwhile it's great to hear of other people's success in walking away from toxic relationships. Well done to him (and to you - he knew he could tell you and you would listen. )

My DS went through a similar thing when he was only 15, she was 16, first relationship. Tried to stop him seeing, and even texting, his mate's.
She went to a party one weekend that he didn't want to go to as didn't know the people who'd be going well. It was non-stop texting from her throughout the event while he was just sat at home. Crazy stuff and really over needy and repeated checking that he loved her, demanding instant replies - " why've you not answered - a minute later. Showed me all the texts and was fed up of getting them. So I said I'd have his phone, which he gave me, and I turned it off - peace!
I was proud he ended it Soon after.
A few days later got a text from her mother asking if she could ring me to discuss it 🤔I sent back a "no, don't think that is appropriate" - the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I know now why she was trying so hard to encourage her DD and my DS to stay together. My DS was the clever sensible one who would hopefully keep her wayward DD on the straight and narrow - she had a questionable group of friends.
It's a shame to get a first negative experience, but it is reassuring that they have developed the maturity to do the right thing. Well done your DS, he will learn from it and it will fade to a distant memory in time.

False claims are part of the reason I am very glad that there were two friends there when she started crying and throwing things around.

The texts from the two friends that ds showed me clearly showed what had happened and that that had all witnessed the exact same thing, both speak about ds just calmly leaving.

I am hoping this will be it now. I saw enough of this sort of bullshit in my younger days with breakups and even the craziest of people just left it.

Incidentally, my first boyfriend at 17 turned into a bit of a stalker, threatened to kill himself if I left him @SiobhanSharpe - I am so sorry your dc is going though the same thing.

I’ve never had much tolerance for other people though, so even at 17, the third time he threatened it, I dumped him
anyway and phoned his mum to tell her what he had said. Easier said than done though.

I have given ds the advice to just move on. And when he does date again, not to be a potential walking red flag himself and tell any stories of a “crazy ex”, if you know what I mean. Just forget it, chalk it up to experience and next time, just be super mindful of his boundaries right from the start.

God, I just hope that one day, he will meet someone nice with no complications! I’ve told him that obviously, he just had bad luck this time and being friends with someone before hand isn’t always a good indicator of how they will be in a relationship anyway.

Well done your DS. My eldest DS is in a 3 year relationship with someone very much like the young lady in your post. It's hell. I'm 56 and can honestly say that she's the worst person I've ever met, and I had two abusive parents!

They have a little girl together and we've never been allowed to have time with her on our own. She called us 'untrustworthy strangers' and 'absent grandparents' yet we're not allowed to visit them (it would be 'disrespectful') and the journey to us is 'too far'. Things came to a head when she decided that they wouldn't be visiting for Christmas and left me a voicemail calling me a 'piece of shit' and that our granddaughter will 'never even like you'. She was aware that I had a baby when I was 16 who was adopted. Our daughter found us 37 years later and I spent every day of those years in shame, grief and hope. On the voicemail DS's partner told me that I 'had to have my baby taken off me because I couldn't keep my legs shut'. That was a whole new level of low that even my abusive mother didn't stoop to. There's so much more but, after a year of no contact with our son, she messaged out of the blue to say he's now suicidal and self harming. We have no idea if this is true and I've had to contact their local police to perform a welfare check on him. We're broken by her and I'm afraid for my son.

Dear god, that’s awful.

I’ve never met the person ds was seeing, so have no idea who her parents are.

Ds spent a lot of time with them though and they apparently really liked him.