Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

What would you do- friend ditched me and now a mutual friend has gone quiet

22 replies

Fuckitalltohell · 12/03/2023 08:14

Hi all, would like some advice on what you would do here.

The short story: three of us are friends, friend 1 ditched my friendship last year and now friend 2 has gone quiet on me. I don’t know if/for how long to keep trying to contact Friend 2.

More details:

Friend 1 and I live in the same city. Friend 2 used to live here too but moved overseas about 12 years ago. I’ve seen her a few times in person when I have been overseas; have stayed with her etc.

Friend 1 and I no longer speak, instigated by her last year because we had different opinions about something. I haven’t done anything wrong; friend 1 ghosted me and although she has now apologized she did not initiate further contact and there is no longer a friendship. This has been very distressing for me however I have not mentioned it at all to friend 2.

Friend 2 and I usually stay in touch by WhatsApp message and voice notes. Since Christmas she has barely replied to messages and my last message is showing on WA as unread.

I am worried that something is wrong
but I’m also wondering if Friend 1 has said something to her and that’s why she has gone quiet.

WWYD? Friend 2 is a genuinely wonderful person so I would be really surprised if she stopped making contact with me because of the situation with friend 1. However it’s so odd that I can’t help but wonder if that’s what’s happened and of course I’ve no idea what, if anything, friend 2 has said to her.

I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t use social media so I can’t see if she’s ok by any other method. I don’t want to come across as hassling her but I do want to know if she’s ok.

This has been the latest contact with friend 2:

no reply to my Christmas message, just a comment about how cute my cat looked in a photo I sent

No reply to a message I sent mid-Jan
Early Feb I messaged to ask if she was ok and hoped she was just busy. Very short reply saying basically sorry, busy, miss you, send me your news
No reply to update I sent after that (also early Feb)
I messaged and asked how she was in early March. No reply and the message is showing as delivered and not read

OP posts:

supercali77 · 12/03/2023 08:19

How close are you to friend 2 typically? With very close friends if there's less contact I'll just ask if everything is OK. With less close friends I just leave it to them, if I've made the effort and they're not returning it I just accept it

Original poster

Fuckitalltohell · 12/03/2023 08:30

Thanks for replying @supercali77 We are quite close but due to distance and commitments (kids, study etc) we don’t speak much or see each other. I have asked if everything’s ok already so perhaps I do need to accept it

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuckitalltohell · 12/03/2023 11:55

Hopeful bump in case anyone else has any advice

OP posts:

SpottedDew · 12/03/2023 12:16

I've moved a few times (and so have some friends) and it can be hard to keep up with friends from several places. Sometimes friendships are picked up again after a couple of years and no/almost no contact and it is fine. It is entirely possible that she simply hasn't seen the latest WA message and now probably won't until she has a scroll through one day (I've done this myself).

I'm not sure I would read too much into this - but whether she is simply busy or she is trying to distance herself from you my reaction would be the same. I would leave the ball in her court now and not send any more messages asking how she is. I would send a message on her birthday (or similar) though - simply wishing her a happy birthday etc. If you don't hear anything from her in the year after that, then I think you've got your answer.

Hawkins003 · 12/03/2023 12:18

It seems odd but is there anther reason or explanation for the quietness ?

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/03/2023 12:22

Pick up the bloody phone and call her!!

Original poster

Fuckitalltohell · 12/03/2023 12:23

Thanks @SpottedDew for your thoughts. We are both busy but last year we left each other voice notes regularly and most of our friendship (12 of the 14 years) we’ve lived on opposite sides of the world. However it is her birthday in a few weeks so I will leave it for now and send her a birthday message.

@Hawkins003 i don’t know; that’s exactly what I’d like to know. There could well be but I’ve no way of knowing as she doesn’t use social media and we don’t have any other mutual friends. I’m a bit worried that something has happened which is why I’ve messaged asking if everything is ok.

OP posts:

Eudaimonia5 · 12/03/2023 12:26

What was the difference of opinion with Friend 1? I'm wondering if it could be an opinion that may have offended/gone against the values of Friend 2.

Original poster

Fuckitalltohell · 12/03/2023 12:27

@WorkingItOutAsIGo we don’t normally talk by phone (we leave voice notes and send messages and photos) as we live in opposite time zones and she has small children.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuckitalltohell · 12/03/2023 12:29

@Eudaimonia5 it’s entirely possible that she would have the same opinion as friend 1 but I’ve no idea as it isn’t a subject we have ever discussed.

OP posts:

XanaduKira · 12/03/2023 12:31

You need to phone her and check she's ok. Work out the time difference and then call when it's convenient for her.

mrsfennel · 12/03/2023 12:36

I would wish her happy birthday and leave it at that. You have made contact twice and she hasn't responded, so if after birthday wishes there is no response I think she is trying to leave the friendship.

As hard as it is I think friendships can come to an end and its no ones fault. you sound like a lovely friend and you haven't done anything wrong.

IsAGirlMumma · 13/03/2023 12:19

Could you send her something in the post? Maybe a birthday card with a note in it?

perfectcolourfound · 13/03/2023 12:22

Her response 'miss you, send me your updates' doesn't sound like someone who doesn't want to talk to you.

I'd be more worried that something's wrong in her life, and would do what I could to get in touch. As pp have said, maybe change your way of contacting - try calling ideally, or send a 'thinking of you' card.

Lostmarblesfinder · 13/03/2023 12:29

I think it is possible friend 1 has said something but it is also possible there is something else going on in her life at the moment eating up her time.

For the moment if you were my friend I would be advising you to change nothing from your end but to invest your energy elsewhere and see what comes of it. You have no control over the outcome so it is worth not investing in any particular outcome and see what happens and dea with that.

It is horrible when friendships end on either side. I had a friend who I felt was behaving pretty badly towards me for a couple of years where I eventually called it quits. It wasn’t any nicer on that side of the friendship ending either.

MarshaMelrose · 13/03/2023 12:33

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/03/2023 12:22

Pick up the bloody phone and call her!!

Yes!!! I don't understand why people worry and fret when they could just pick up the phone. So what if it's not what you usually do. She's not behaving like,she usually behaves, there could be anything wrong. The absolute worst that could happen is she hangs up on you or says she doesn't want to speak to you anymore. Horrible. But at least you'll know. And, you never know, she just might be very grateful to hear from you.

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 13/03/2023 12:39

It could be that friend 2s opinion is the same as friend 1s opinion about whatever you fell out about.
I have a friend abroad where the friendship has gone the same way as yours with friend 2. I think with the pace of lives these days it’s understandable. I think sometimes out of sight, out of mind plays a part in it too. With my friend I just send birthday messages now and leave the ball in her court. There isn’t any point chasing someone who appears to not want that level of contact anymore. Maybe friend 2s life has just got busier and you will reconnect in the future.

MedievalNun · 13/03/2023 12:40

If she's in NZ then comms are a bit meh in the region around Hawke's Bay as they were hit by the cyclone in the middle of Feb. Cleaning up work is ongoing so if she's helping with that then reading Whatsapp messages will be low on the list of priorities. I'd wish her a happy birthday then maybe drop a real letter as that shows you are thinking of her and care. xxx

TicketBoo23 · 13/03/2023 12:41

Small kids can be extremely time consuming and demanding, esp if they get viruses, sicknesses etc.

It might be that.

Her response sounded very pushed for time.

GoldenCupidon · 13/03/2023 13:32

I think it's more than possible earlier posters are right and she's just busy. But really since we don't know what this issue was you fell out with 1 about, it's hard to say whether that could be contributing to this as well. For example, if it was about next door's washing and whether she was right to leave it out over night - probably not relevant. If it was something more like one of you believes in a conspiracy theory around vaccines and the other one doesn't, or something more moral based - well that's the sort of thing that might make someone (who falls on the same side as 1) think "ooohhhh I hadn't realised OP thinks that, blimey I don't think we have as much in common as we thought".

is that likely?

BMW6 · 13/03/2023 14:28

If I were you I'd leave the ball in her court now.

No point in pushing for contact when the other person, for whatever reason, is pulling back. You'll just annoy her which won't endear you to her.

Put your energy into making new connections and friends.

workshy46 · 13/03/2023 18:09

What was the difference of opinion? If you have known her for 14 years and friend 1 had tried to poison her mind against you , you would assume she would talk to you first before ditching you. I would say the issue with friend 1 is coincidental
I would send the happy birthday message and then leave it. I wouldn't keep chasing tbh

Flip