here are days, Craving intimacy, connection & wanting to feel loved

[Mumma331]

Hi all,

I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. last year we had the most challenging year, he was severely ill with Covid and lost two family members to it too. He was very depressed but we got through it together.

Not long after his recovery, an incident happened where I caught him on a suspicious call when he thought I was asleep. He put the phone down when I walked in on him, said it was a just a female work colleague, refused to show me his phone and still denies anything. Whilst we have spoke over it numerous times, and try to move forward this never leaves my mind and my trust was broken.

Since this happened, our sex life is really bad. He very rarely instigates sex, has lost erections during the rare times we try to and I’m left feeling frustrated, unsatisfied and then wonder if it’s linked to his suspected affair. I am 11 years younger than him.

I do rely heavily financially on my partner. We are not married, he is the main bread winner and works very long hours to support us. I have a teenage daughter from a previous relationship. If I didn’t, I think I would have left by now.

I have even resorted to asking him if he would agree to an open relationship, he downright refuses and was disgusted by and is talking about wanting us getting married which makes me feel even more confused. I worry it’s to own me and his worry of losing me especially if he’s sexual problems are more health related rather than because of someone else.

Ironically, during these difficult periods with my partner, I bumped into a childhood friend and we got very close. He made it very clear he desires me, wanted to start a new life with me. We were secretly texting which I know is wrong, but it was the most intense incredible experience and was the first time I’ve felt desired and sexual fire in the longer time. Even so, I remained faithful and didn’t meet or cheat. Just enjoyed the connection with someone else.

There are so many days I feel so alone and unwanted. I am craving not just for sex, but for intimacy, connection & wanting to feel loved - yet feel so stuck. I stay for the stability for myself and my child yet worry I will live an unhappy and unfulfilled existence in the process.

Do many women stay in unfulfilling relationships for the financial security and stability for their children. Ultimately that will always be my priority.

Thank you for reading if you got to the end of this rant! X

It is a gross mistake to believe staying in a relationship like this 'for the benefit of dc' is a good idea.

You are teaching them codependency & personal insufficiency. Get some therapy to build your self-esteem and make a healthier life.

What a mess. You are both unhappy, you are probably both having or have had at least emotional affairs, and you are only staying because he funds not just you but your daughter too. You need to find a way to leave.

So to summarise
You don't trust him and are only with him for the money.
Given everything you've said, your relationship is obviously in a really bad way.
It isn't fair to either of you this continues without improvement. It is a rubbish situation for you, him and your teen DC.

You need to talk to him and either both agree to try to address these issues, or, if this isn't possible, start arrangements to go.

Leave him. There is nothing for you there but money.

Yes people stay for security but to have real security and a claim on everything you have built-up you need a "long " marriage legally.

You only have stability if you stay. If he wants you to stay.

Which isn't stability at all.

This relationship is over - emotionally and physically.

The next step is ‘when’ not ‘if’ you separate and who instigates it.

How old is your teenager? If 17/18 doing A levels shortly and maybe leaving home for Uni then I would be planning and exit around these timings. If younger I would just get on with it.

Your teen needs a happy and focused parent - she doesn’t have this if you are sad, suspicious, unfulfilled, dissatisfied and anxious.

How old is your partner? How are the domestics divided out - does he want a carer in later life? Is that how he sees you?

What are you doing with the old flame - are you still communicating? Are you looking for permission or approval to leave you partner and take the old flame one to the next level?

He sounds dreadful, but using him to keep a roof over your head is equally as dreadful. Start maximising your income, end the relationship and fund your own child without relying on finding someone else to do it for you.

I didn’t mean it to sound like it’s all about money - we both work and both maintain our home and bills together but yes it is HIS home and I am not in a position to simply leave and go a buy a new house for myself in this current climate.

It’s an 11 year relationship, which is a huge amount of lifetime and commitment built with someone that is more recently been on the rocks.

The emotional stability of my child and that is a lot more valuable than just financial security. My child is happy and settled, we never argue in the home or shout at each other, we are respectful in that sense but have drifted apart personally.

Your relationship is over.

You need to leave him and stand on your own two feet.

It is likely he will end the relationship anyway sooner than later so you need to plan your way out now.

I worry as you are reliant on him financially but the rest is lacking
I know everyone says ‘get therapy ‘
but I’d say focus on career and earning potential to be honest

that’s the ONE thing you can do that will have a maybe positive outcome here

Your relationship is so respectful that you’ve both sought solace outside of it. Do not kid yourself that your child doesn’t notice the dysfunction in your relationship, she may not be able to articulate it or even worse, think it’s normal but your relationship will be her primary relationship role model.

You stay not to protect your DD but to protect yourself.

thank you for your comments.

I am sure there any plenty of both men and women whose relationships have deteriorated for various different reasons and they feel stuck in an unhappy marriage. I really wish it was as simple as ‘just leaving’ but it isn’t and if I did, I would be willingly compromising my child’s wellbeing and welfare and I’m certainly not doing that even if it means sacrificing my happiness.

I work full time, I have a pretty well paid job too - that doesn’t equal being in a position to leave. We do not live a flashy lifestyle by any means.

11 years with someone, it’s never been all rainbows and happiness we have got each other through many of life’s challenges and for that I know we have mutual love for each other - just not in love anymore.

I really wish it was as simple as ‘just leaving’ but it isn’t and if I did, I would be willingly compromising my child’s wellbeing and welfare and I’m certainly not doing that even if it means sacrificing my happiness.

You have both already left the relationship emotionally and physically.

You have both connected with another outside of the relationship.

The only thing you haven’t done is left the building.

You are both unhappy and unfulfilled.

This will continue to degrade due to emotional malnourishment to resentment and contempt even if no words are said - and that is a toxic polluted environment for any child to be raised in. They absorb it unconsciously, internalise it, don’t know what it is and are left with confusion and emotionally unsettled which leads to anxiety.

Of course you can stay - many people do but don’t deny the actual unavoidable emotional cost to yourself and your DC - you may be making a trade off for financial reasons or resisting change - just be honest with yourself about that.