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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Row with partner

26 replies

lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 06:44

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 20 years.
3 children, one left home one in college and one in secondary school.
I love him and mostly we are really happy.
He does have an explosive temper. He grew up in an abusive household with a DF with a horrible temper. He is now no contact with his DF.
he has done lots of work on his temper. Counselling, CBT etc and generally it’s better.
But sometimes he still blows up. I actually think he might have ADHD, I work with young people with this and I often see the same behaviours exhibited by him. It would make sense as he was excluded on behaviour from school at an early age but has managed to carve a really successful career in an industry he is really interested in.
After a horrible few days after s row which continued last night.
we’d both been drinking with friends. Me much less than him. We all had a fun night but when we got home he flipped. Stormed off and kept telling me I’d upset him. He couldn’t remember what I’d done. I couldn’t leave it and I should have just left him but I kept going to try and apologise and getting more and more upset, I used to self harm and it kept crossing my mind that if I cut myself maybe he’d feel bad and forgive me.
in the end he threatened to lock me out if I carried on so I went to bed.
I haven’t slept much.
I don’t know what to do.
I have had two nights of not sleeping now.
when he’s not angry he’s lovely and we do get on so well but his temper ruins everything. I did counselling and when I discussed him my councillor said shouting and rowing is normal. I can’t row though. I just apologise. Even if it’s not my fault.
when he was angry the other day he punched my DS door, he was angry with me but it came out at them. He’s got s cut on his hand.
no one in my life knows this. They know he has a temper but a few times a year he loses it and terrifies me. One of my kids argues back with him that makes it worse. The other one is more like me.
Maybe I should leave. But my youngest is having a terrible time at school already and I’m worried the disruption would be too much for them.
In a row the other day I asked him how he would feel if he heard a man shouting at his daughters like that. He made a face but didn’t comment.
I’m exhausted by constantly trying to pacify him and making sure no one upsets him.
sorry it’s a long one.
I know everyone will say leave. But how does that work.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 12/03/2023 06:52

I’m so sorry. This must be awful. You know you need to leave. Your kids will feel like they are walking on eggshells around him too. I want you to take a moment to imagine living in a home with just your children. No jumping when you hear his key in the door. Please ask for support irl, make a plan and leave. You can’t fix him, this will only get worse. You deserve a happy life without this stress.

Donnashair · 12/03/2023 06:52

I have tried saying this a few different ways. I am concerned it come across as arsey. I don’t intend it to.

But what do you mean by ‘how does that work?’

Splitting works different ways for everyone. Depending on legalities, home ownership or renting, assets or no assets. What do you earn? What’s your employment status.

Essentially, you split and sort what needs to be sorted.

You don’t need to live like this. And it all can be sorted. Doesn’t mean it’s easy. But it’s doable.

I left my exh who I had been with since I was 18, married, had 2 kids with and built my entire adult life with. It was worth it.

As I get older, I can’t be arsed with arguing and drama. I just won’t engage. I have no time for it. Disagreeing is normal. Explosive anger and you apologising when you haven done anything wrong isn’t normal. That counsellor was shit. you deserve peace.

Original poster
lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 07:02

Thank you both for your messages. Don’t worry it didn’t come across as arsey at all. I think what I meant was. Should I get my stuff today and just go but should I make the children come with me. We’d have to go to my mums house but she’d be fine. She doesn’t know any of this or should I wait in the house and sort it with him and find somewhere slowly.

I keep thinking I might be over reacting.

but then I do want peace. That made me cry but you are right.

I am employed but in a low income job as a TA. I have no savings and he owns 2 houses that I’m not on the mortgage for.

My mum would loan me money to get a house I think ( renting ) and maybe I could get some kind of benefits or he would have to pay maybe.

Im so confused and exhausted.

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 12/03/2023 07:21

Can't you ask him to leave?

MaireadMcSweeney · 12/03/2023 07:29

You aren't married? So you won't be entitled to equity of the house :(
yes I would go to your mum's and ask for her help to rent a house of your own. Do the benefit calculations and see what you can afford. His temper is abusive and will be damaging your children.

Original poster
lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 07:29

@LadyGAgain its his house not mine so I don’t know. Probably not.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 12/03/2023 07:30

Living in a calmer environment will more than likely help your child not make things worse. I grew up in that kind of environment and have never forgiven my parents for not separating and putting up through that. Never knowing when we came home if things would be normal or a terrible atmosphere or constant rowing. It’s horrible for kids. Please consider that

Original poster
lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 07:31

No I’m not entitled to anything. I always knew this.
He owns another property that has tenants in so in essence I could probably move there in the long run but not in the short term.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 07:36

@Zanatdy this is part of the problem. We don’t constantly row. I don’t row so I just apologise and appease him until he calms down.
but I’m exhausted doing it. Like running round making sure all the lights are off or no one has left tooth paste in the sink or the cats aren’t in rooms they shouldn’t be.
he doesn’t blow very often but when he does he’s horrible. He’s also really tall and I’m really short so it’s terrifying.

OP posts:
Donnashair · 12/03/2023 07:37

I wouldn’t recommend having him as a landlord.

That will not give you any peace.

I would suggest speaking to your mum. tell her everything. Go on a website like entitled to and see what benefits if any you can claim. That’s the starting point I would suggest. decisions can be made from there.

If you think he would leave for a few days, that might be worth pursuing. But given it’s his house and he sounds like a twat, I imagine that’s not going to happen.

Original poster
lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 07:45

Should o make my children come with me today. They are 15 and 17 or should I let them stay here. I feel like they should come with me.

OP posts:
Donnashair · 12/03/2023 07:47

lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 07:45

Should o make my children come with me today. They are 15 and 17 or should I let them stay here. I feel like they should come with me.

It would also be good to talk to your mum alone. You can always come back for them. A decision doesn’t need to be made today. Explore your options.

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 07:48

Oh god why aren’t you married and why is everything in his name?! 😞

Aside from that, yes you need to leave. You deserve peace but your children deserve far, far better than growing up in an abusive household. Because that’s what it is.

rainbowstardrops · 12/03/2023 07:54

Firstly, you definitely need to speak to your mum, especially if you think she'll be supportive. I'd also speak to the children and find out how they're feeling. In a gentle way obviously.
You and the children can't live like this.

Zola1 · 12/03/2023 07:54

lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 07:36

@Zanatdy this is part of the problem. We don’t constantly row. I don’t row so I just apologise and appease him until he calms down.
but I’m exhausted doing it. Like running round making sure all the lights are off or no one has left tooth paste in the sink or the cats aren’t in rooms they shouldn’t be.
he doesn’t blow very often but when he does he’s horrible. He’s also really tall and I’m really short so it’s terrifying.

This isn't arguing, this is him acting like a big dictator. He will ne angry about toothpaste or lights or where the cats are? He isn't a partner, he is a control freak and I'd suggest rather than 'you don't like arguing', you've been conditioned over many years to be too frightened of his temper and try to appease him to bring him down.
Take your children.

Endoftheroad12345 · 12/03/2023 08:13

Hi @lottie2888 i’ve left my husband for a similar issue except that his had a couple of times tipped into physical abuse. We’ve been together since I was 20 and I’m now 41.

ironically it wasn’t the physical abuse that was the tipping point for me to leave, it was the explosive rages over the most minor things. We have 2 small children (8 & 4) and they were more and more exposed to it.

Over the last year, topics that triggered his rages included the water level of the bath, a 4 star hotel room that I had booked being a shithole, whether my son’s room needed new blinds. It could be anything and I would be called vile names, plates would be smashed, abusive text messages sent.

Honestly I just feel such utter relief at making steps towards being free. it hasn’t been easy to leave. We’ve rented a property and are nesting as the kids are so small. I don’t recommend this with an emotionally abusive husband which is what you and I both have. I plan to progress this to proper
separation asap. He is dragging his heels on everything but I will get there.

Though it’s been really hard, I have faith that my life will be so much better not being in this relationship.

Original poster
lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 08:13

@LilLilLi re marriage… I know…. So stupid.

OP posts:
Endoftheroad12345 · 12/03/2023 08:15

Also I will say I was so surprised and touched by how kind and supportive people have been - not just family and best mates, but work colleagues and even wives of his friends.

it turns out that people had clocked his behaviour and as my best mate said “everyone was tolerating him for you”.

Original poster
lottie2888 · 12/03/2023 08:19

@Endoftheroad12345 are you still living together at the moment? How does that work? Does he still rage at you?

until you’ve all said it I didn’t think it was abuse. I just thought he was shouty. I’m the opposite. I’ve never shouted in my life so I just assumed he was more highly strung than me and growing up in an abusive household I thought it was learned behaviour. I think he justifys it as he isn’t as bad as his dad was.

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 12/03/2023 11:36

Being adhd is no excuse for being abusive and it's actually not a thing to be a abusive when neurodiverse. It's just them being an abusive arsehole.

You don't have to live like this. It's not your fault he acts like this. You can be happy again on your own.

Original poster
lottie2888 · 13/03/2023 09:14

Thank you all. I did leave but tried to talk to him about how we could move forward. He insisted I tell the children before I left but I didn’t want to but he insisted. my youngest won’t speak and my middle was sobbing. I wanted to wait but he said that’s it.
he has just said he won’t change and that’s it.
The oldest ( who my DSD ) spoke to him as he called her sobbing. He messaged me last night to say there have been things I’ve been doing that rub him up the wrong way so he needs to work on his triggers.
I feel like he’s going to give me a list of stuff I do that annoys him and blame me.
im at my mums anyhow. The kids are at home. I feel so empty without them.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 13/03/2023 10:26

lottie2888 · 13/03/2023 09:14

Thank you all. I did leave but tried to talk to him about how we could move forward. He insisted I tell the children before I left but I didn’t want to but he insisted. my youngest won’t speak and my middle was sobbing. I wanted to wait but he said that’s it.
he has just said he won’t change and that’s it.
The oldest ( who my DSD ) spoke to him as he called her sobbing. He messaged me last night to say there have been things I’ve been doing that rub him up the wrong way so he needs to work on his triggers.
I feel like he’s going to give me a list of stuff I do that annoys him and blame me.
im at my mums anyhow. The kids are at home. I feel so empty without them.

I wouldn’t argue about whether or not you “trigger” him. It’s his problem if he is easily triggered and can’t control his response. But arguing is pointless and toxic, he is not listening to you.

However you have nothing to apologise for, you are allowed to be you. If he says that you trigger him then just respond that you accept what he feels and it confirms that you shouldn’t be together.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 16:47

I did counselling and when I discussed him my councillor said shouting and rowing is normal.

Some counsellors are really crap at their job.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 16:52

Maybe I should leave. But my youngest is having a terrible time at school already and I’m worried the disruption would be too much for them.
In a row the other day I asked him how he would feel if he heard a man shouting at his daughters like that.

Your youngest, & all your children AND YOU will have a much easier home life if you leave him. It won't be disruption it will be a relief from living in a home where you are all constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It is NOT NORMAL to shout like this, especially not at your children. They are being damaged by the experience, & damaged by having to walk on eggshells in what should be their ultimate safe space.

He loses it several times a year, & he has you fawning in fear with your inability to do anything other than apologise (for what?!). That is not a criticism btw it is a natural & understandable reaction to threat. You are constantly waiting for him to kick off, & FFS he threatened to lock you out of your home.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 16:53

I think what I meant was. Should I get my stuff today and just go but should I make the children come with me.

Of course you do.
You can't leave them alone with this awful man.

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