Can you help me move on and get over my past?

[kxt13]

My parnter uses this site so thought it may be good way to ask for some advice.
I have been a single dad for majority of the past 11 years. The relationship with my childrens' mum was violent as was my last relationship before vanessa however my last gf used the internet like a dating agency, she used to use chatrooms to find men to add to her mobile then spend her time texting, she never actually cheated but she had them lined up, and it was always "he is a friend"
When I started checking it was obvious she was leading men on etc, and I was just being played.
My problem now, I love Vanessa and our relationship, it's great! Vanessa has more recently started using chat and although I trust her in the back of my mind I wonder if it's only a matter of time, I think that she is hiding stuff from me(when I have no reason to feel so) even if its only so that I dont think she is doing wrong and to me seems she chats more when I am not near the pc. Sometimes I can't help but mention something esp when she is in p2p's with men, I can hear my self saying it and know I shouldnt be saying it but it still happens. I tried talking to her and she told me she is fed up of hearing it again and just laughed at me, this stresses the relationship a lot, I am used to a relationship breaking up if I say whats on my mind and fear that when I have said something its just history repeating itself, I have no reason not to trust Vanessa but how do I move on and stop this all being an issue and having my past destroy my future?

Sorry if bored you but who knows!

Thanks

hi kxt13. I don't think you have anything to worry about. I go on chat rooms, and because I'm a girl, it's usually men that start talking to me. Also when I was with my dp years ago before we broke up, I had a lot of male friends but dp felt he couldnt trust me and that I was going out with all of them and just playing him along. He broke up with me, saying he couldn't trust me and broke my heart as there was nothing going on, and it was all completely innocent. If you're happy with her, then don't let it get to you, but maybe be honest with her and tell her what has happened in your past, and you feel a bit uneasy because of it. Hope that helps xxx

I don't think it's particularly that history is repeating itself, I think that you have issues with trust which have nothing to do with your current partner, and which you need to address before you can move on.

The past belongs in the past, but until you can leave it there, it will always haunt your future, and I would suggest that you might need some sort of counselling in order to put your past into perspective. If I were in your shoes, I would contact Relate. You can go either with your partner or on your own, and they may help you to get over these barriers from the past which are threatening your future.

Good luck.

I agree with WWB, I think you need to get some sort of counselling to try and move on from the lack of trust you feel. Until you get that sorted, chances are any relationship you have is doomed to failure. (Sorry.) You need to learn to trust again.

If your DP could go with you to counselling, it would be helpful. Unreasonable jealousy can't be just laughed off, it really needs to be understood and addressed properly.

HTH.

Hi Tammy
Thanks for your reply, I have been honest with her, she knows all my past. This is the only thing that I have sort off not completely dealt with. I think what annoys me most is that knowing my past she fails to understand it from my point and shrugs it off with "I'm not your x" maybe if her attitude was more understanding things wouldnt be so bad.

Hi Calig and wwb

Thanks for your posts, I will contact relate and have a word with them. I trust Vanessa I dont feel thats the issue though. Its more the thoughts that just enter my head at certain times and I although I know I shouldnt have them and even more so there is no need to say it out loud i do. But like I said I will contact relate and see what they say.

Thanks

Just called DH and he tells me that based upon what you have said, you sound as if you are experiencing the Othello complex. That is, your insecurity is not caused by actual previous events, but the internal conflicts of trust/mistrust, happiness/sadness based upon what you imagine may happen.

Given that such feelings are often self-propagating, unless they are resolved, they can develop into something more serious.

I don't think that your partner's attitude is really the problem. You say that you trust her, yet you expect her not to do something she enjoys (chatting on the internet) because of what has happened in the past. She's right - she isn't your ex and you should be able to trust her on her own merits, without basing your assessment of what she's doing on something that has been done to you before. You may want to trust her, but until you resolve the underlying problem - your underlying problem - this will never go away and is likely to come back in every relationship you have. Perhaps your GP could recommend you a counsellor as well as thinking about Relate.

Hi WWB
I actively encourage my partner to use the internet and chat! When I see things that to me appear unusual I should be able to ask, such as chats that stop and room changes when i come near the pc or appear to. Being told one minute that she will not have private chats with men then to find out she is doing it anyway, in my head I ask certain questions and although the chats may well be innocent the way it is being done raises issues in my head. You say this is all down to me, yes it is my past, surely as a loving partner and the fact all her issues I understand and help her to deal with the same should work both ways and not just be laughed off.

Regards

I do agree with what has been written below, but I must also admit that if my partner was in chatrooms, p2p with women (or at least people posting as women!) I wouldn't not trust him, but I have to admit I wouldn't like it. I think I would feel a bit threatened, or my nose would feel a bit out of joint. But then (MN aside) I'm not an internet chatter at all, and don't know what is accepted as perfectly normal.

What sparked violence in your previous relationships? Did you instigate it, or were you a victim? Are you afraid of violence re-curring, or do you feel that your confidence was knocked by it?

2 more questions (sorry!) Are you hoping that Vanessa will see this, and understand more about how you feel, and are you sure it isn't MN she is on all this time?

I agree with WWB, I mean.

I didn't say it was all down to you, what I said was that the jealousy is your problem. If I implied that it was all down to you then I'm sorry. The fact still remains that in your earlier posts you state that you don't think that she's doing anything wrong, you trust her, and that it is the thoughts that enter your head that are the problem - and that's what I based my reply on.

Maybe your partner is being a little insensitive to your feelings, but she is still right in saying that she is not your ex and you should be able to trust her on her own merit.

For what it's worth, I hate my dh coming and seeing what I'm chatting about here - and most of the time I'm only talking to women. I have never had private chats with men, and never said anything derogatory about my dh, but I feel this is a place where I can go and make friends, without dh's involvement. It's something I do for me, just as he has conversations with both men and women while he is away from the house without always wanting to know who he has spoken to and what he has said. Perhaps your dp is the same.

I'm not being mean, but I really feel that as the jealousy and irrational thoughts are yours, then yours is the problem which needs addressing. Your partner's laughing it off is a separate issue, and she may not realise the effect it is having on you.

WWB, are you Vanessa????

Bloody hell, no!!

Hi Blu

Thanks for your input, to answer your questions, I was a victim, my childrens mum was just the type to be like it esp if she didnt get her own way. my partner before vanessa was almost two people, one side was a loving mum and business woman who had the wold at her feet, but if challenged for what ever reason she resolved this by lashing out throwing things and even suicide attempts. I am not afraid the violence will reoccur, both our pasts have been similar and I think in a way makes us more aware of it and also a bit stronger.
Do I want Vanessa to see this, in a way yes ofcourse if only to show her that I am finding ways to deal with it and not just ignoring it, in another way no I have not so long ago started a site similar to this if was only for her to see I would have used that which I know she reads, Vanessa knows exactly how i feel and why it happens she isn't interested in talking it through, which I feel doesnt help, this is for me, she doesnt use this as much as she did when I first found it for her.

Hi kxt13 - I've got a different take on this to the other posters so far. I would say that the onus should be on your dp to be a bit more considerate in her behaviour re the chatrooms given that she knows your previous history. I don't think it's acceptable for her to just say I'm not your ex and leave you to stew. I'm not saying she shouldn't chat in this way with other blokes but she should be prepared to reassure you and explain why she swops rooms when you approach - I actually don't think it would be unreasonable of you to ask to see what she's chatting about if there is nothing to hide. Sure we all need our privacy but this has been a big deal for you in the past and she should be providing the reassurance you need. I don't think it's helpful to suggest that you have a 'complex' about this - your concerns sound entirely reasonable to me given your past. HTH

It sounds as if you have had some very unpleasant experiences in relationships, and I think it's great you are trying hard to sort this out. If you can handle it, some couselling might well help - help you gain confidence in your ability to have a relationship in which you are not used and abused, and to communicate with vanessa.

Do you think it might also help if both of you spent more time together in real life, and both stopped using chat as a leisure activity? Or if you can't get out together, do things at home where you communicate with each other rather than with people on-line? It sounds as if your own relationship needs attention ahead of those with strangers.

Buy a bottle of wine, cook a nice meal together - or for her - get a video, (you choose one, she chooses one, discuss which one you thought was better) play your favourite records to each other and talk about what memories they hold (leave out anything inflammatory, obviously), and agree to leave the pc unplugged for an entire week?

What a brilliant idea Blu. Wish I could have enough self-discipline to do that!

Thanks Blu

I dont use chat, I did but I now hate it, I know my partner needed to make friends which was why I encouraged it, but I encouraged more towards forums than I did to the chat site.
Between us we have five children time alone isnt easy but we do when we can, everything you have said we already do and the only real issue is this chat thing, maybe it will just be a passing fad and she will get bored with it.
I work online so turning the pc off as much as I would love to isnt even an option

thanks anyway

Hi Phat

Thankyou, although I agree that this is more an issue from my past, I also believe it to be unhelped by the way it is washed over as if is nothing, I sort of understand the way she sees it but for the sake of a good relationship I feel more of an effort to see it from my point should be there.

To add to my original posting, I do not and have not tried stopping her from using chat, I support her in all that she chooses to do!
I know my way around a pc if my issues were just trust I could have every word logged and monitored for you viewing at a later date, I dont because I dont feel the need, I trust Vanessa without doubt, its the stupid thoughts and worries of history repeating that are in my head sometimes that I just can not resist saying.