Am I a selfish cow or is DP a boundary breaker?

[CrystalBall80]

I need to know if I’m being selfish/getting my own way, or if my DP is a man child that has no respect for personal boundaries.

Tonight, we’re away together, a ‘romantic’ / just the two of us / child free (we don’t have DC together) night away.

First bar we (extremely randomly) bump into a family friend of DP’s who tells us that DP’s cousin happens to be out tonight too. I have heard only bad things about DP’s cousin, DP has openly said he doesn’t like him / he has a drug problem / local bully / regularly cheats on his wife etc.

We carry on about our evening, heading back to our hotel for an early dinner. DP’s cousin rings to tell him the plan for their ‘wild night out’. I obviously don’t even consider DP would want us to join them. Also, it’s snowing and we’re in a hotel at the top of a hill. We’re eating dinner and I say I’m so looking forward to getting into bed and watching a film (I can’t really drink alcohol after eating a sit down meal, which DP knows). DP says, ‘Oh, I thought it would be fun to meet (cousin’s name) and his friends and have some drinks in the bar they’re at’.

I said I get that we’re dressed up and away for the night but I’m so enjoying it just being the two of us / I’ve had enough to drink and I’m feeling tired / it’s snowing and I really would have liked to get into bed and watch a film - BUT I wouldn’t be upset if you (DP) went into town for a drink. DP proceeded to effectively ruin our evening, accusing me of being selfish, never being ‘spontaneous’, ‘my way or the highway’ etc.

Yet again, I’m lying here wondering if I should have forced myself to go out, or if, as I believe deep down, I should be able to express how I feel without being punished for it. Honestly, please tell me, am I being a b*tch and is DP’s subsequent behaviour (ignoring me, has now turned over and gone to sleep) justified?

I think it’s not ok is behaviour and wonder if there is a back story, but I’d also not be keen to go away and spend the evening watching a movie in bed, I can do that at home. Maybe if you’d had something better to do it would be different, and it doesn’t sound like you were both thinking of rampant shagging, it sounded like you really did,wish to lay in bed and watch a movie. Which if personally find very dull.

What do you mean, "yet again"? Sounds like there's a pattern of behaviour here?

He is being a child

‘Yet again’, as in, when I express what I want/need, and it goes against what he wants to do, I get silent treatment / ruined evening. I must say, we’re very fortunate with family support and get a couple of nights out per month, so it’s not like this is a once in a year opportunity.

And for instance, when we got back to the room originally, he said he was potentially too tired to go down for the dinner I had booked. I said that’s fine we could always get room service, but he rallied and wanted to go to dinner eventually. I would have been cool to alter plans around the way he was feeling.

Silent treatment is a deal breaker. You are allowed to have your preferences, you even offered a compromise.

film (I can’t really drink alcohol after eating a sit down meal, which DP knows).

this makes me think it was implicit that you were in for the night once you came back for an early dinner. If he wanted something different he should have let you know beforehand. Sounds like if it weren’t for his cousin he’d have been happy to stay in but somehow he got the idea in his head to have a night with this cousin.

I don’t think you were being unfair or selfish by staying in.

The silent treatment in this context at least is abusive. How long have you been together?

Well, that changes things. If this were a once a year thing, yes, he’d be unreasonable, but if you do this fortnightly, surely it’s ok for him to want to do something more exciting than watch a film in bed? Especially if you’d already had dinner together and you were clear that you didn’t want to go out?

DP proceeded to effectively ruin our evening, accusing me of being selfish, never being ‘spontaneous’, ‘my way or the highway’ etc.

This is not even a red flag, this is already abusive and controlling behaviour.

I know it's not that simple, but I want to say: Never let him ruin another evening ever again - you are worth more.

DP has openly said he doesn’t like him / he has a drug problem / local bully / regularly cheats on his wife etc.

Why would he possibly want to spend time anyone he describes this way?

Cosy early night in bed after a nice meal with you or be in the company of this utter twat? And then the silent treatment and huffing? He’s pathetic.

I must add that the main reason we’re here was to get up early tomorrow for a hike, so as far as I was concerned, this was never about a night on the p*ss! (And I love a night out as much as the next person!)

Why couldn’t he go for one or two and you go to bed?

My DH is or was like this. Struggled to handle differing views or not agreeing with him. Control tactics. I used to often go along with his plans to avoid it. But now I’m older and more confident, have learned better to manage this if it arises and tackle his behaviours and he’s learned too to improve our communication and relationship and better respect what I want. I found my voice and ask questions, tell him why I feel as I do, use boundaries.
If he tries the silent treatment then call it out. “Are you giving me the silent treatment because I didn’t do what you wanted/don’t agree with you- do you recognise that’s controlling/ toxic/ abusive” Call out unpleasant or manipulating behaviour but in a calm assertive way, say how it makes you feel, don’t engage if he gets angry or toxic. He’s trying to get you to do what he wants because if you don’t he’ll make you pay for it.

One of the main lessons we had to learn to improve our relationship is your partner isn’t a mind reader and to agree plans together at the start means there’s no surprises or disagreements when the other assumes something will happen when you’re thinking of something else. Look for the best in each other and find the win win outcome where you can. Don’t put up with shitty behaviour but take a good look as well at yourself in case you help to create uncertainty or make assumptions. I think my passiveness in the past to not be clear what I wanted or would tolerate meant he pushed the boundaries in his favour until I stood up for myself more. Sounds like hard work. Yup. But I got a new better version of my husband and remembered why I married him in the beginning.

The OP did suggest that to him, but that wasn't acceptable to him apparently.

She said that - he didn't want to.

This doesn’t seem right OP…

He sounds horrible and more like his cousin than you perhaps thought.

Nothing wrong with not going out if you don't want to go out, especially to meet a random druggie, on a supposed night away as a couple. And if you can't have a drink after a meal then you can't have a drink after a meal.

You did nothing wrong and he's being manipulative @CrystalBall80 .

You're not a trophy he can just drag around on his arm or a performing seal.

This doesn’t seem right OP

@bonzaitree I had one like this. Thought I should do certain things, even at the expense of stuff I needed for my health, or things I didn't want to do. Very manipulative of him, and stroppy.

OP,

Not nice.

Abusive and unpleasant when he doesn't get his way.

You don't have children together thank god.

This is not a good man.

You are wasting your time.

Keep this loser away from you children.

The way he's reacted is wrong, but if it keeps happening, then I'd say it could come down to you being socially incompatible.
I wouldn't want to watch a film in a hotel for the evening - much rather go out for beers (or shorts after a big meal). You might as well be at home otherwise.
To stop this happening, pick a destination where he doesn't have family living.