Is he arrogant or is it me

[Lovelesslove]

Hi,
never done a post on here before so I appreciate any replies!
I have a 2 year old with my partner who I got pregnant with after 2 months of knowing, and as the time has gone one I struggling really bad with being in a relationship with him I am miserable every day I forgot how it feels to be happy in a relationship and want to spend time with that person.

when it started it was perfect (classic honeymoon period) we lived 4 hour apart so it was long distance and we met through a work event. Pregnancy was accidental but I had a miscarriage in a previous relationship so abortion was never an option for me. He moved over my ends due to having more support here for childcare (family and friends with kids who offer to help etc) and I didn’t force that decision, it was simply what was best at the time.

He is an excellent dad, I have zero issues there it’s just comes down to relationships and who he is as a person in general.
as time went on after I was pregnant I started to see more of reality and it was things like on his phone genuinely 24/7, it’s not cheating it’s purely phone addiction and these days he tells me it’s because he has friends to talk to and it’s not his fault my friends don’t message on our group chat every 2 mins therefore he needs to be on there, often throwing in my face that he moved here away from all his friends who he sees every 2 weeks back home anyway.

he doesn’t accept he is wrong, ever. Period. For example he walks away from the car (keys into pocket and everything) and I say you haven’t locked the car and his answer is always ‘I was going to’… even though he wasn’t, he can’t accept saying he just forgot or “oh yeah my bad” or whatever.
he argues constantly with his manager in work because he doesn’t like being told he has done something wrong or he is in the wrong.
He has zero manners, when someone offers him a drink he doesn’t say thank you he just says yes or no.
he speaks to his parents like actual crap, my mum has made comments to me in private saying ‘I wouldn’t take you speaking to me like that’ he basically speaks to them like they are stupid.
he never says sorry, if for example he wasn’t looking and our child trips over his foot or he tries to grab something for the baby and accidentally bangs her leg or whatever he won’t even say sorry to the baby, I ask him to say sorry to her because I want our child to understand she has to apologise to people in life if she does something which could hurt them accident or not but he refuses to and says he does not need to.
he always badmouths the town we live in calling it a sh*thole and nothing is good enough here.

my parents look after our child 2 days a week and have her on a Thursday night to give us a break as she’s a terrible sleeper (which I know we are SO lucky to have) but he is so unappreciative of it, I asked if he could pick something up on a stag he went on earlier this year and his answer was ‘why would you offer me to do that, it’s a stag it’s not like im going on holiday and it’s a lot of pressure on me’… it was from duty free at the airport… and my parents never ask of anything from us for all the childcare they do.

I am so scared of being a single parent, I worry about how to handle joint custody of such a huge distance but I worry so much about our child seeing this as normal and healthy. If she was in a relationship like this I would tell her to get out instantly but I think I just feel so deflated from this that I just think about how fat, ugly, disgusting I am and how I will die alone as I must be unloveable to have never found a meaningful relationship which brings me to the subject of maybe it’s me that’s the issue? Is everything I said above not really that bad and it’s all in my head?

thank you for reading x

Crumbs, 4 hours apart and pregnant after 2 months! You must of only had a few dates. I'm not saying I'm so perfect to never get carried away in the moment, but there's always MAP for that.
Anyway, where are you at now? Has he moved into your place, or do you rent together? How easy it is to get him to leave depends on how entwined you are. You barely knew him, always a risk, so now you do know and it turns out he's quite rude to you and others. I'd guess his parents were not very good role models and didn't teach him the merits of please and thank you, if they had, he would not talk to them the way he does.
Now he's adult though, it's a choice he ignores. My parents were pretty rubbish at that too, I realised this as I got out into the world and had to constantly remind myself until it became 2nd nature - I trained myself to have manners when I realised their omission, I got there, but it would of been so much easier to have been taught it from childhood. I'm sure you are not the first person in his life to notice this about him, so he should of learnt by now. You have told him, so he does know. If it's his car, given how he is about it, just let him risk it being robbed, might teach him . I'm thankful for keyless entry/exit these days so it locks automatically as I walk away.
Does he by any chance have a history of many short relationships, which likely ended once they'd sussed him out? He's been unusually keen to change his life and throw his all in after only 2 months, baby or not, which makes me wonder if he perhaps was aiming to tie you to him so it would be harder for you to leave him given what he is like. It's still doable to go it alone if he's beyond or unwilling to change his ways and learn how life's interactions work.

Why on earth would being single be worse than this bs.

It turns out, he's an utter wanker that makes you feel like shit. Time to call it a day.

Your child deserves a happy, self confident mummy who doesn't stay with men who treat them shabbily. That way, they'll grow up to be similar.

Do right by yourself and your kid and get rid of the arsehole. Life is too short.

Was never gonna work was it really. Made your bed and all that.

Big leap from putting up with him forever and dying alone. He might die first. Then you will have put up with this and still die alone. Except you might not because you have a child.

So try to keep things in the present.

Do you want to stay this close in a relationship with this man, right now? Forget about co-parenting, distance etc, they are details concentrate on decisions.

You need to leave now, while your child is still too young to remember him being with you - it’s much easier long term. Your child will grow up thinking it’s normal for you both to be separated, and that’s what you need to do.

He is cratainly not an excellent father, he is a dreadful role model for your child as he has no manners, and shows no respect towards you (or anyone!)
Why on earth would it be harder to be single than living with him?
It sounds as though you have good family support so that will help you cope. Don't worry about joint custody either, that will be his problem to solve. I'm assuming the property is yours so best to get this horrible man out of your life and your home as soon as possible.

This does not sound a good relationship, it can only get worse, end it now then you can relax and breathe easy.

It's not like you can beat yourself up about picking the wrong guy..you didn't even know him. Time to send him back to where he came from as he will continue to do your head in.

Wow. Empathy bypass much?

Op you sound worn down by this man. He won't get better lovely.

Yes, it's you.

It's you recognising your boundaries, and feeling uncomfortable when they get crossed. It's you having an inner self respect for your feelings.

Do you think that if 'it's you', you should dismiss it?

Sorry if I'm wrong seems like you had a child with someone you barely knew. Sounds like you just are not compatible.

Life too short. Call it quits and joint apparent if that's what you want.

Fair play to you both for giving it a go as a family living together but there was always a high chance you wouldn't be compatible as a couple after knowing one another for so little time. And you're definitely not compatible.

This doesn't mean you won't meet someone who is on your wavelength, who treats you and your family with respect and manners.

You have plenty of family support so aren't stuck with him.

I'd take steps to end this, what would that look like, him moving out of your place? Joint custody- well, I don't know how this would work out but he could choose to stay local to you if he wants. It wouldn't be you moving away. You're confident about him as a father so have no worries about your DC being with him part of the time, presumably.

Try and do it in an amicable way- you can acknowledge the good things he does as a dad and his willingness to uproot to be with you and your baby and give things a go. If he doesn't respond in kind then fine but you would have done your best.

If I'm honest, he doesn't seem wildly enthusiastic about your relationship either or particularly happy.

This isn't because you're unloveable or unattractive or any of the unkind things you said about yourself. It's because you're not a good match and if you hadn't become pregnant would probably have gone your separate ways not too long after meeting.

I would suggest trying to approach this positively and openly. You both tried but the romantic aspect isn't working. This doesn't mean that co-parenting can't work and maybe even some sort of friendship (no problem if not and it's just the co-parenting).

Just bear in mind you cannot and will not change the aspects of him you find unpalatable- the lack of manners and ungracious behaviour.

Break this situation down: 1) Current relationship not working. 2) Need to work out co-parenting, logistics etc. 3) Need to work on self esteem. 4) Eventually maybe get out and look for another partner.

It feels like a huge amount happening when you look at it all at once and conflate say, issues 1 and 3 but actually it's less scary when you try and see the positive efforts you've made and the individual segments to address. Good luck. You'll be fine.

I expect if you hadn’t got pregnant so quickly, you would have got rid of this awful man a long time ago, as soon as you got to know him and found what an unpleasant person he is. Everything you said about him is really bad, that is not in your head.

Unfortunately you had a child with a man you didn’t know. But you are where you are and there is no point in prolonging this existence. Being a single parent sounds infinitely preferable to staying with this horrible man and you have good family support in place. You don’t need to plan the rest of your life right now, just take the first step and ask him to move out.