How to learn how to mother when yours wasn’t great

[wantspringnow]

I’m quite nervous to post this, but feel like I need to get some help.
my mum wasn't great. If I’m feeling charitable ‘she did the best she could’.
i always felt unwanted, in the way and an inconvenience.
My dad wasn’t around much through long work hours. He was fun dad, but also scary at times with his mental health.

I’ve got 2 kids, 3 and 6years. I don’t think I’m a good mother to them. I find myself being like her, speaking like her.
Im not as bad, I don’t belittle them/shame them like she did me, but I’m also not what I want to be.

has anyone been through this? I feel like I wasn’t shown how to love and care for small children, and I’m falling into how I was parented.
baby stage also wasn’t great, but I had PND and thought it was that.
how do you learn to be a better parent?

I didn't have an awful childhood but I definitely had a mother who was not great at making me feel loved - when I did something wrong when I was young/teen she would give me the silent treatment for 3 days, which was torture for me at the time and I had to really try hard not to do this to my own daughter 😕
I started to read newsletters/website/information by Dr Laura Markham and found her approach incredibly helpful and I would say that it has really helped me become a good/better parent and I have close relationships with both my teens (even my Mum said that they were a credit to me 😋) sign up to her newsletter and see what you think x

I had an emotionally unavailable mum, a dad who worked at night and slept in the day (by choice) and was a 'latch key kid'.. So i made sure i treated my boys how i'd wished i'd been treated.
I was always there at school pick ups, made space to for them to talk whenever they needed to, told them i loved them a lot etc.. basically gave them the total opposite of my childhood.
It may have been easier for me as i was a lone parent though, and felt i had to 'fight' for and protect them from the whole single parent negativity.

I'm sure you're doing a great job! The fact that you catch yourself being like your mum could also be a positive, i.e you're able to look back and realize, hopefully in time you'll find your own way of doing it in another way.. your DC are still little.

Recognising the behaviour is a great first step.

Counselling might help and imitating the sort of mothers you admire, even if it doesn't come naturally, until it does.

I’m not sure anyone can entirely answer your question but given that we are not handed a good parenting book and told “read this; this is how you do it”, we can only do our best.

My dad was affectionate, kind, firm and good fun. I remember him with great love. My mum God bless her, thought for example that a hot dinner on the table when we came in from school and a drawer full of our clean socks was all it takes. I can’t recall her ever comforting me or hugging me.
Neither was a bad parent but their “love language” was different. We can only do our best and I’m sure you’re doing really well because you appreciate how not to follow your parents’ style and recognise any shortcomings.

It’s a massive spectrum but a good daily routine, stories at bedtime, one on one time, loving hugs and kisses, and a calm home environment, trying to “see” the world through their eyes, is a good place to start.

Im rubbish at this kind of thing (in writing) but I expect someone with better ideas or theories will come along soon and be far more succinct.

I recommend the book 'the book you wish your parents had read, and your children will thank you for reading' if you are like me and can't afford therapy. Be kind to yourself, it's hard to break the cycles!

I’m similar, Op. watching keenly for other suggestions. Just want to let you know you’re not alone xx

I had an alcoholic mother and an emotionally unavailable and absent (in many ways) dad. So I tried hard not to be them. And became an areshole of a different kind. I guess the skill is more about being what your kids need more than not being who your parents were.

OP, the very fact you’re reflecting on your parenting style and want to learn more means you’re a great mum.

I can definitely recommend “the book you wish your parents had read” as previous poster suggested. It’s great at helping you understand the parenting you had, and the parenting your own parents had. Blew my mind and helped me understand my own mum (along with therapy).

I also love Dr Becky “Good Inside” - she’s on Instagram and her podcast is on Spotify. She’s brilliant and comes from a place of compassion.

I read loads and loads and loads of parenting books.

My parents were a mixed bag, the family was very dysfunctional in many ways, there was serious significant unspoken about criminal level abuse between siblings, a lot of bullying, emotionally unavailability from parents, but on the other hand they had some really good habits of cooking healthy food, maintaining a home, great emphasis on education.

So I take the good stuff I learned from them, acknowledge their serious significant failings and mix in the stuff I learned from the books. It has made a big difference to our parenting,

You don’t need good parents to be a good parent, you also don’t have to be a good parent 100% of the time. My parents were awful, but I’m a good enough parent, I do still sometimes sound like the people who were supposed to raise me, but that doesn’t mean I am them, and it doesn’t mean I treat my children in the way they treated me.

Rather than due to a bad example, are you sure this isn’t an unresolved part of your pnd?

Could you ask your child's school if they can direct you to a parenting course that might give you the skills you think you lack.
There should be a family link worker, usually an experienced member of school staff, who you could talk to.
You may find you're doing a better job than you think !
Good luck, recognising you might need support is half the battle.

This is a great idea. We have a child with SN and we got linked into SN services which ran a lot of parenting courses which have been absolutely amazing for us too.

This book is great for self-awareness exercises that help notice the moments we're triggered or repeating behaviours learned in our own childhoods. It's about increasing that mindful awareness so as to change our reactions in those moments

www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Inside-Out-self-understanding-children/dp/1922247448

Also, apologising to children when we act in ways we don't mean or want to.

Tell them you love them and sing them the same song each night after a bedtime story. Tell them they are enough and you are proud of them. Ask them what they need. Tell them when they've been brave. I'm sure you're doing a great job.

Aww! I think just asking the question shows you are aware and want to be a better parent. Hug them and tell them you love them everyday. Tuck them into bed and give them a kiss. They will know they are loved.

i had neglectful emotional and physical abusive parents. I had counselling which helped me understand the behaviours in my parents that were unhealthy so I could avoid them myself. I watch other parents a lot to understand how it can be done. Counsellor told me about The Circle Of Security parenting and Hand in Hand parenting. Google those as there’s loads of help about what good parenting looks like from a psychological perspective. Also I found ‘What parents really need to know’ book useful for understanding child development and being age appropriate. You don’t have to follow anything to the letter, I use ideas from lots of different places. Half the battle is recognising issues which it sounds like you have done already!

Think about how you would have liked to be parented and model that on your own DC and then keep fine tuning it as they get older.

The best advice I had was to read up on Montessori methods so things like DC being able to hang up their own clothes, put their own toys away before getting new ones out, learning to put laundry in the washing basket at the same time as learning to clean teeth and putting things in the dishwasher so it all becomes second nature from a very early age.

Then if you have multiple dc the older ones teach the younger ones and all family related things get done as a team rather than just left for mummy to do.

Game changer! 😁

My DH told me tonight that the way I speak to my older DC is reminiscent of how my mother speaks and I'm really upset. I came on to post this pretty much. I'll be taking these suggestions on board. Thank you

I had very emotionally unavailable parents and boarding school on another continent from a v young age, so found it very hard to be an emotionally avaliable mother myself and I wasn't the best and it never felt natural to be affectionate.

However, I'm a far better grandmother and that has come a lot more naturally and as a result of that, my relationship with my adult DC has got somewhat closer

I felt the same as you OP: as though I didn't have any reserves of maternal affection stored up to give, and that really concerned me.

When I had my own kids I would always ask myself: "What would a good, loving mother do/say in this situation?" and do that. Always take a moment to think before you react. I know that's the question you're asking here - what does a good mother do? - and you don't have that blueprint, so try to put yourself in the child's position and think about the most helpful reaction you could get from a caring adult.

I also reminded myself that it takes the same length of time to respond with patience to a child as it does to snap or shout at them. The outcome - both short-and long-term - is much better if you're kind.

Patience. Lots of it. I had the word written on my hand in biro during the toddler years as a constant reminder. They're small, and they will try your patience, but not to wind you up deliberately. It's because they're learning, and they need help - lots of it - and love, and care.

And apologies. If I ever had a day when I'd snap from tiredness and become unreasonable, or impatient, I'd go and apologise afterwards, and we'd talk it out.

Parenting books have helpful guidelines. 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk' gave me good ideas on how to be more patient and understanding. Better books may have been published since mine were little: loads of good suggestions in earlier comments.

It is HARD when they're little, and shrill, and sticky, and don't sleep, etc, but it is so worth it in the long run. For what it's worth, mine are now teens, and are genuinely lovely to live with, every single day.

I felt exactly the same as you when mine were 6 and 3 too. It's not too late. The fact that you want to be the best you can for them means everything. X

I know exactly what you mean OP.
I feel the same way and hate it. I'm a shouty mum like she was (I always hated the way she shouted and screamed about everything).
I lose my temper easily too like she did. The last twice I've seen my dad I've had a mini meltdown with the kids and although he's not said a word I can tell he's thinking I'm just like her (they split when I was young - partly as he thought she'd treat us better if he wasn't there for her to get angry at. It actually got worse).

My mum constantly told us we'd ruined her life and she wished we'd never been born. She was physically and mentally abusive (I think she went through similar with her own mum) and we lived in fear of her.

I will check out the books linked. 'How to Talk' is a lovely book, but is very basic and doesn't offer much that isn't common sense. I come from a very loving background, with a mum who is beyond superb, but I've yet to read a decent parenting book that had any real depth. Hopefully the books listed above are a bit 'meatier'.

Read up on attachment styles and work out which one you are as a result of your parenting and read how this impacts how you approach relationship dynamics slightly off kilter and tweak that.

Having less than attentive attuned parents who didn’t provide the appropriate developmental stage response to your communications to them leaves you as a baby / child / adult unconsciously emotionally insecure.

Either you see people / emotions as scary so you have an ‘avoidant’ attachment style - you emotionally withdraw and are not emotionally intimidate and attuned as your emotional needs / requests / expressions were not welcome by your parent and were ignored / rejected or even punished. This will keep you distant from people who are emotionally safe (including your own children).

Or your experience of your care giver was inconsistent and unreliable - sometimes they responded, other times they were preoccupied with their own stuff and didn’t notice you. This leaves you also insecure as you don’t know what you will get so you are always watching for what mood the parent is in. Sometimes we had to cry loud to get noticed.

Basically an insecure attachment is exhausting and leaves you depleted and anxious which is emotionally dysregulated. Parenting is tough physically but also emotionally and if we have a short fuse because we are anxious or insecure because we weren’t raised securely then we have less capacity and band width so we may REACT to stress inappropriately - either withdraw (avoidant style) or blow up / be too intrusive or engulfing (preoccupied style).

So IMHO we need to be very self aware of how we react when stressed - then structure our lives to be less stressed (taking time out to recharge, making life simpler) - learn to notice, then pause, the ground ourselves when stressed before we RESPOND to our child in difficult situations.

We are aiming for a calm and peaceful home where everyone treats each other with kindness and respect and where we can have joy and comfort.

We can fake until we make it but we do need to commit to really reducing the anxiety inside as our DCs can sense this.

Also over 50% of adults have an insecure attachment style so most / many of us are working on this.

Therapy really helped open my eyes to the cycles within my family. I found a therapist who had a "pay what you can afford" option.

I also follow a lot of therapists on instagram and find that really insightful and helpful.

Keep in mind that healing from this and breaking the cycle is a process. Something that we will be working in for our whole lives.

I also follow a lot of therapists on instagram and find that really insightful and helpful.

@BeingPartOfThings would you mind sharing these please