Ok… putting another post and trying to word it so I don’t get slated…. Just want some comforting words as life is pretty devastating at the moment- trying to be strong for my 2 children.
Husband of 18 years a few weeks ago text me whilst I was at work to tell me our marriage was over, he had no more energy and has given up! Can’t forgive himself of what he’s done in the past so we need a fresh start! 3 years ago he cheated with OW from my boys school (also had a family). Endured his lies and hurtful behaviour. Slept with OW and others during our separation. He blamed it on depression and I had neglected him. (Working full time from home and I put my energy in homeschooling boys during covid!) My dad passed away during this time and I had no support from him just him sleeping around!
I was obviously heartbroken that our family could be broken and I just wanted that security so I never let him go! I begged and continued to be in his life even though I knew what he was getting up to. Because of his indecisiveness he moved out as I wanted him to realise we weren’t 2nd/3rd best and that he’d made a huge mistake.
After all this…. I at the time believed family should be together and could see how much it hurt my boys and he was all I had ever known since an early age! So I accepted him back and we were working on our marriage. His mental health was still not great - he had low days (practically told me to leave him be) to get his head straight then he would pick up after a day or two…. Refused doctors (already been on antidepressants and said he no longer needed them). I thought we were progressing…. It was hard and time was needed to heal…. He started having more good days and I felt like we were getting back to some level of that loving family unit again and us together was getting better……Not all rosy but things were progressing in I thought the right direction.
Fast forward to December…. All changed - he got ill then no energy- out with work colleagues he would not usually go out with. Being more and more distant towards me after Christmas ( we had an ok Christmas- more good days than bad) He Ignored me more, acted like anything I said meant nothing and shut me down, physically and emotionally withdrawn from me, but got the “it’s not us….. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be “ January I put his behaviour down to withdrawing from quitting smoking - basically became the silent wife… just trying to understand where his head was and still supporting him…..emotionally draining! But then he started leaving work early and late…. Said dropping off male colleague ect…. Things didn’t add up so I did start questioning him and he became angry and defensive towards me.
So got that text ending it…. Wouldn’t talk about it even though we had promised if any of us got so low because of the past we would discuss it together!…..Denied anyone else but whilst he supposedly going out with friends I found the email of him and OW (works with) applying for houses together! She has a kid (not his as previous affair was another women) Told me it was different from last time and they grew close after…. ??What within a week you’re in a relationship and planning to move in with said person and child! Red flags- clearly his change of behaviour over the last couple of months towards me, marriage and children were due to him having fun at work with OW! Running away from the problems he caused in the past, focusing that energy on a bit of skirt giving him attention!
He doesn’t prioritise his kids (puts her first- time and money) and yes they are aware of OW and the truth to an extent I think suitable for their age (no I don’t bad mouth him to them). They are hurt because he left again! They will find out the truth when they are older and his actions at present will show how much he cares! Yes I DO believe he left and abandoned them too! I don’t say this to them (I know the damage it could cause!). He’s previously been open he’s felt neglected since children and hadn’t really been hands on with them! I tell them he still loves them and we are all hurting by his choices but we will be ok and things will be different but get better.
It’s just a hard struggle at the moment, I burst into tears, not sleeping or eating but trying to be strong for my boys… making sure they are ok. I have accepted it’s over (lots of hurt and pain in the past he’s caused - lots of lies and deception and things he’s put me through I haven’t put on here!) Why keep taking him back… because I wanted a loving family unit, he’s good with words, I believed he would change, I didn’t think he’d do it again to me or let us down again!
Just some comforting words of wisdom to get me through this difficult time 🥺