Need help...please...stay or go

[Justwanttobeme000]

Together 16 years, married 9. Two kids 11,8.

Not sure where to start. Usual life, got together at 20, kid, married, kid. Was a sahm for 5 years. Then h not happy in job, changed to me being full time main breadwinner (own business), he changed careers and we kindof shared childcare etc but was very hard going as it was never the plan when we started out.

H seemed to resent having to look after kids so I could work and was never happy with the house being abit chaotic. He does do housework and cook etc. I am main carer for kids and take on mental/emotional strain of kids and life.....I have kids unless I ask for help, give times and dates etc. Never being able to do anything for myself and when I tried it was such hard work I just gave up. H never content with anything inside the house or outside it, I feel like I've bent over backwards to help him start his own business, working mine around it to my determent. He has admitted to being resentful of house being a mess etc.

I have been extremely unhappy (inside) the last few years so put time into myself, changed my mindset, got healthier, lost wait etc. And I have transformed myself into the person I used to be and who I am. This has been the catalyst to ending up going to marriage counselling as H thought i should be doing all that for him and not going out with friends. He said I gave him a mental breakdown through my behaviour, he is now on ad. I told him I don't love him and feel like I'm just here for kids. He still loves me but to be honest I have felt like he has hated me since we changed circumstances, he stopped saying I love you unless I said it and we have no emotional intimacy at all....he hasn't given me a peck on the cheek for years or a cuddle unless I ask (have sex very rarely). After counselling we tried to get a connection back but I can't....he actually kissed me and it felt awful to be honest.

I know it's a long post and abit jumbled but I'm a mess as I don't want to ruin my kids life or his but not sure if I can keep going like this for the rest of my life.

I'm just so sad.

First time I've posted, think I've read every single

Just here for a hand hold as I seem to be at a similar stage. It’s so hard, isn’t it ? It’s the kids. I’m so worried about the effect but either decision has an effect . Take care

Sometimes it's time to call it a day.

You wouldn't be ruining anybody's lives. For your kids, it doesn't sound like a great atmosphere to grow up in and they would adapt to the change. Your relationship isn't one you'd want them to recreate in their futures, is it?

For your husband, he doesn't sound happy either. Maybe he's not brave enough to end the marriage, but he's certainly not living well in it.

You've tried to make it work, but maybe it's gone too far and it's time to quit.

You’re only here once OP and one sided love just doesn’t work.

I can’t really see what more you can do to get a meaningful relationship back at this point.

One thing I did learn through my own therapy was… we have the right to be happy. Women sometimes spend their lives making accommodations for others. What would you say to a friend in your situation?

If you are not sure that you can keep doing this for the rest of your life, then maybe accept the fact you will leave sooner or later.

I speak from experience. I thought I could keep quiet and just keep going. But it ate away at me until it was all I thought about everyday. I finally gave voice to it, and we are now divorcing.

If you feel like this now, it won’t be better in five years time.

The best thing you can do for your kids is choose a life that makes you happy. Teach them not to stay in relationships that have run their course. Teach them to value their own happiness. And to know when to walk away.

A happier you will also in turn, make their lives better. You all only get one life op. Don't waste it.
Kids don't want their parents to be unhappy.

Seconding @Pinkbonbon . You and your H are teaching your DCs what a relationship looks like and this isn’t one you would want them to emulate.