“D”h secretly smoking

[Brunosmumhasnaffallgoingon]

I’m not mentally strong enough for the vipers in aibu (for other reasons) so I’m posting here because I’m quite upset.

“D”h and I have been together almost 15 years. When me met we both smoked. I loved smoking and was really addicted to it. I loved nipping to the end of the garden for 5 mins peace and a cig. Even in the bloody rain ( pathetic I know) He always made out he didn’t really care one way or the other. Anyways about 9 years ago we needed to quit to be able to have fertility treatment. So WE did. We did it together and it was bloody hard.
This morning while in bed he answered the phone to his mate who’s on holiday. He thought I was sleeping because I had my eye mask on and his mate asked him how many and what brand of cigarettes to get him. I felt him bolt up and say that he’s text him and his mate said well I’m here now and my “d”h said any.
I had zero clue he was still smoking. I thought I smelt smoke in my car once and mentioned it to him and he said he couldn’t. I didn’t think anything of it.

Full disclaimer… he’s had problems with alcohol and is also meant to be sober ? I’m scared he’s secretly drinking now to.
He knows if I find out about even one pint he’s out the door because he was a nasty, bully of a drunk.
Also I had a relapse with the smoking for about a month when my dad died of suicide in 2018. So I know life can trigger things.
Its the lying that I can’t believe. 9 years in may of lying !!
Am I wrong to be upset ? I’ve not said that I over heard to him so he’s sat relaxing with ds enjoying his Saturday morning. So aibu ? Wtf do I even say to him ?

Are you sure he's planning on smoking them? He might want them to sell to other mates? I know ex-smokers who would do this. Wouldn't a massive box brought from abroad be tricky for him to hide?

Is it the secrecy or the smoking that is upsetting you? If he'd been open about smoking, would you mind?

I doubt he’s selling them.
Its both the lying and smoking. The looking me in my face and lying like a naughty kid hiding secrets from his mum and the fact that they are so so bad for him and expensive now. I’m just upset at all of it tbh.

If he’s been open I’d of definitely supported him in quitting “again” I wouldn’t accept that he’s a smoker forever.

Surely you'd know if he was smoking? Even if he smokes outside the home you can still smell it on them.

We both stopped smoking but I will admit to scrounging the occasional fag when I'm out, but my husband could tell. (He wouldn't have a go though, just say "you've had a fag" and leave it at that).

He’d be hiding them in his work van. I don’t ever use it. It’s also a right bloody mess so I don’t even get in it. I just use my car.

You need an honest conversation with him. If he wants to smoke, he is entitled to smoke, but he isn't entitled to lie to you. If he wants to smoke and you can't accept that, it's for you to decide whether you can put up with this. I say this because you married him as a smoker.

@PlateBilledDuckyPerson This.

It’s possible that hes gone on to have a few crafty fags when he’s with mates and it’s a more recent thing than nine years ago.

I only found out the other day that a pack of 20 cigarettes now costs over £15. I last smoked 25 years ago. So that could be why he’s asking a friend to buy them duty free, not because he’s on 20 a day, but because it’s an opportunity to buy them cheaper.

But whatever, he has still lied to you. I found giving up incredibly hard so it would piss me off too.

You obviously need to have the conversation, but work out your bottom line beforehand.

Would you be willing to agree that it’s ok for him to smoke just occasionally and when you’re not around? Can you look upon this a being more of a weak person than a lier?

Maybe he thinks if you seem to be reacting this badly to smoking is the reason he feels the need to lie about it?

Sure it's easy to say lying is wrong, but if he said 'I am smoking' honestly how would you have reacted? It does not come across you would be calm and rational about it

I was married to this man for 30 years. He "gave up" before we married to save money for our first home.

I don't really know how much he smoked during our marriage, whether he had occasional lapses or whether it was that I only occasionally found out. He did a lot of gaslighting (as addicts do) and there were periods when he managed to persuade me I was imagining the smell etc, ridiculous with hindsight.

I hated it and no doubt would be called controlling if I'd posted here. I tried to relax about the actual smoking but I found it really difficult to accept that he'd choose the fags over being healthy for me and DC. Also the lying, makes you wonder what else he could lie so easily over.

I was always worried about how I'd cope if I ended up having to care for an invalid because of his smoking. And that's exactly what happened. He had a cancer diagnosis and died within 12 months. 6 of which he was completely bedbound and I (and DCs because it's a 2 person job) had to change his nappy. I've since had to deal with a 17yo who's completely gone off the rails watching his dad die in pain and a fraught realtionahop withboldr DC who think my anger at their dead father is unwarranted.

I don't known that the smoking caused it but the consultant did say "it's really rare to find this cancer in a non smoker so young", believing him to be a non smoker becuase he was still maintaining the pretence.

So here I am, a widow "grieving" for a man I hate most days.

I don't know what the answer is though. Nothing you say or do is going to change him. Maybe I should have left, but it seemed a trivial reason at the time when everything else was good.

Your problem is that he will lie to you to do what he wants/is addicted to, rather than be honest and own that he's doing it. The secrecy and concealment is a red flag especially where the person has a history of unhealthy substance behaviour. You have now learned that should he fall off any of his wagons, he won't share that with you and try to get back on board, he will hide it from you and lie. This means he is able to excuse what he's doing to himself and make it only a problem because of your disapproval. You're right to see it as a concerning sign for future drinking.

Oh, and please ignore the suggestions that he lies because you would go mad/overreact. This is the liars go to response to divert the blame to you. Outside of abusive relationships people don't need to lie to avoid their partners anger. They can either not do the thing you dont like or assert their right to do as they please. Its never your fault some lies to you. They'll tell you it is, but that's a lie too.

I don’t feel I act irrationally or “go mad” yes I’m upset but I’ve supported him though much much worse than quitting smoking. I’m still normal now knowing this. Just getting on with looking after ds and doing housework. He has no clue.
I expect a grown man to be able to look at me and say he’s still smoking even if it’s just the odd one. I might not like it but I can respect honesty. I absolutely would expect him to quit. Like he did me when I relapsed with it. I do admit I have a problem with liars. It feels like such a lack of respect. It has made me worry about else he could be lying about.
Right now I’m just sitting on it and trying to figure out how to talk to him about it.

Quitting smoking is so so so hard OP. He probably lies out of shame.

I'm torn on this because he's a grown man and if he wants to smoke he doesn't need your permission.

However I get the impression it's the lies that bother you more than the smoking. Given the fact that he's an addict (alcohol) you've probably dealt with many lies over the years and here's another.

The fact is you don't trust him and that's his fault. Instead of being honest his natural instinct is to lie for a quiet life. I'm not sure this will ever change.

Would I end a relationship over secret smoking? No. But for you this is probably the straw that broke the camels back, and I can understand that.

But surely he would smell?

Its the lying that I can’t believe. 9 years in may of lying !!

Even if he is smoking again, why would you automatically assume he's been smoking secretly for the past 9 years?

Well, he should definitely have felt free to tell you, or to tell you to back off if you give him grief about it. I find it weird that he feels that he has to conceal it.