Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Is it me?

15 replies

Theweatherisawful23 · 11/03/2023 08:11

Following yesterdays thread, he just won’t speak to me now. Says he will only talk about the kids. I accused him of silent treatment he says it’s not silent, he will talk about the house and kids. I’m shaking … I begged him to speak to me, to try and sort it but he says this is my fault, I did this by continually provoking him. I feel like I’m going mad. Maybe it is my fault? But I can’t live like this. But what can I do? He won’t even listen to an apology now. I think I would apologise if he would listen just to make the house livable in. I just don’t know what to do and we don’t have enough money to separate

OP posts:

Bogeyes · 11/03/2023 08:14

Maybe he isnt the one for you. Can you make plans? Can family help?

Original poster

Theweatherisawful23 · 11/03/2023 08:14

Every single thing I say he says is provoking him. He looks dreadful … under massive pressure and says I am to blame. Maybe I am. Maybe I am this awful person . I suppose I’ll just try to stay as quiet as possibly and stay out of his way.

OP posts:

Bogeyes · 11/03/2023 08:15

He is blaming you? What is he blaming you for?

ClairDeLaLune · 11/03/2023 08:47

What happened yesterday OP?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2023 08:48

This is not your fault in any way, shape or form. This is all on him. You are not responsible for his actions.

Abuse is not a relationship issue; its about power and control and this man wants absolute over you all. Its over because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your children.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. No obstacle is ultimately insurmountable. Have you as yet sought legal advice; knowledge here is also power.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2023 08:49

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not let his abuse of you at his hands become a cornerstone of their childhoods. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Original poster

Theweatherisawful23 · 11/03/2023 08:53

What I thought was a conversation yesterday turned into sn almighty row where he slammed the door and refused to speak to me for the rest of thr day. I thought it was a regular disagreement but he said everything I do is designed to provoke him . I just don’t recognise myself in his words . He is 100% convinced I’m an uncaring person who is stressing him out .

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2023 08:59

He is basically projecting his own self onto you; abusers always do that as well as blamings others for their own failings. It's always someone else's fault but their own.

Do consider contacting Womens Aid whilst he is out; alternatively if you can go to a branch of Boots and ask for ANI the staff there can direct you to a private space where you can access domestic violence support services.

Look too at the domestic abuse app Bright Sky.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2023 09:15

These people are not nasty all the time and sometime they can appear "nice". However, this is all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Original poster

Theweatherisawful23 · 11/03/2023 10:35

Thank you. I’ve just been out myself and feeling stronger. Today I won’t apologise

OP posts:

notthisagainforest · 11/03/2023 11:12

If I was you I would avoid him as much as possible and make plans to split. Have you got family support. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

Watchkeys · 11/03/2023 16:33

Does anybody else say that's what you're like, or is it just him?

Original poster

Theweatherisawful23 · 12/03/2023 08:39

Watchkeys · 11/03/2023 16:33

Does anybody else say that's what you're like, or is it just him?

In every other aspect of my life I am perceived as a kind caring person. I’m the friend people go to for help, I keep the peace. That’s why I’m so confused. I don’t recognise the woman my H describes

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 12/03/2023 08:56

It's him. Just pretend you don't even notice he is not talking. Show him it has absolutely no affect on you..he is wasting his energy. Put on some music as you do your chores and keep yourself cheerful. Don't engage in it.
But long term its not a good place for you.

Watchkeys · 12/03/2023 09:04

And why would you give his opinion so much credence, when you have, and have had, all your life, people telling you the opposite? What is it about him that means he knows better than you, and all your other judges? Why would let his decision rule over all the others? Is he an especially discerning judge of what's right and wrong in other areas of his life? Is he Mr Amazing, whose opinion everybody bows down to because they respect his word so much?

If he told you that you were from Mars and your hair was made of blue custard, you'd promptly denounce him as a loon. What's the difference between that and the codswallop he's telling you about who you are and what you 'do to him'?

Flip