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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I doing the right thing?

17 replies

seabreezy · 11/03/2023 07:18

Relationship has been rocky for a long time.
Partner promised me to not take cocaine after he had a blow out at Xmas and I said how much it upset me. Last night after work I picked the kids up and went home. I phoned him and he said he was in the pub. I phoned again later and he said he was on his way home (10 mins away). 40 mins later he comes in with daffodils and steak for me to cook and says happy 40 months. I am cooking the kids tea and realise instantly he doesn't come to hug or kiss me and that's his usual style when he has been on the gear. I said I wasn't stupid and felt really disappointed he broke a promise. He admitted he done it and had met with his dealer that's why it took him so long to come home.
He had more gear in his pocket and I asked him to get rid of it as I didn't want it in the house. He said he would sniff it and not waste it. I said how pathetic it was to want some powder over his family and he said it's only a line. That I shouldn't get uptight and so upset over it when everyone does it and he's causing no harm. That it's my fault he's felt low this week and why he took it.
I feel like I should end our relationship but wondering if I really am being over dramatic because he's made me feel like it's such a small thing and now I feel confused about it.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 11/03/2023 07:20

Yes end it! It’s not a small thing at all. He’s lied and manipulated you so much you can’t see reality.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/03/2023 07:25

It's not a small thing at all! I couldn't be involved with someone who did that. Just the thought of him having a dealer! God, I couldn't be doing with that.

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 11/03/2023 07:26

You are not being over dramatic. It’s not a small thing, it’s a very big thing. I know it’s easy for me to say, but I would end things as I could not be with someone who takes drugs.

rainbowstardrops · 11/03/2023 07:30

It wouldn't be a small thing to me, it would be a huge thing!
How unattractive to rather snort a line of coke over spending decent time with your family.
He'd have been out the door straight away!

CrosswordConundrum · 11/03/2023 07:34

Textbook profile:

  • Trying to minimise by saying it’s causing no harm and you need to calm down
  • Saying it’s your fault, if only you cheered him up he wouldn’t have done it
  • Lying, changed behaviour, when challenged deflects and becomes the victim
  • won’t get rid of the gear

You are being manipulated by a classic drug user. Addiction doesn’t mean someone can’t hold down a job and lives on the streets with needles.

He leaves - now. You have kids in the house who shouldn’t be exposed to any of this.

Emmamoo89 · 11/03/2023 07:39

LTB

Bogeyes · 11/03/2023 07:41

Get rid. His behaviour will get worse.

notthisagainforest · 11/03/2023 07:43

He doesn't sound like much of a family man

Bogeyes · 11/03/2023 07:47

I had a good friend who got into cocaine. They lack boundaries. Take risks. Make stupid decisions. Drink heavily....and blame others for things that go wrong. They prefer cocaine to anything else. I don't see that friend now and they blamed me. They said I had changed and wasn't fun anymore.

category12 · 11/03/2023 08:18

If it's not a dealbreaker for you, then stop saying it is and then being talked out of it.

Either you're a terrible boring killjoy who shouldn't mind her partner using...Or something else. Hmm. 🤔

It boils down to how many chances you're going to give him, to be disappointed again and again.

He has to actually want to stop using, himself. He doesn't. He thinks it's fine and you're the problem.

So you need to decide if you're going to tolerate it or get rid. I'd go with getting rid.

junebirthdaygirl · 11/03/2023 08:25

As you are only with him 40 months l'm guessing the dc are not his. Its a very precarious environment for them seeing he had a blow out at Christmas.

He has to go. And now when last night is fresh so it's very clear its the drugs that are the issue. This is not you it's him and it will continue. Coming home to a house where there is children after taking drugs is not on
Don't get into a big discussion where he tries to turn it on you. You made it clear at Christmas. More drugs and your out!!! And keep saying drugs. .

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 11/03/2023 18:48

Him or the children, it really is that stark.

SpaceNambo · 11/03/2023 18:50

I wouldn't put up with this. Bin him.

Perfectlyround · 11/03/2023 19:24

That it's my fault he's felt low this week and why he took it.

Take particular note of the fact that, in his mind, it is your fault he used, this is not a man who is ready to take any responsibility for his drug use, let alone stop using. Also note that his first response to 'feeling low' is to use, which of course is not the average person's response however much he says 'everyone does it' and means he has no other coping mechanism when life gets a bit tough other than using drugs.

In short, he won't stop and staying with him opens you and your DC up to things no decent person wants anything to do with and which put you and them at all sorts of risk. I say all this as someone who grew up around drugs and has done their (my) fair share of them recreationally in my youth but I still wouldn't have my DC around anyone who used coke.

seabreezy · 11/03/2023 19:35

I've told him it's over and not to come back. He's sleeping at a travelodge tonight and I feel bad about that!
I know he won't change and it's for the best. I just feel really sad and down about it. We have a 2 year old together and I have no idea how contact is going to work or what to do.

OP posts:
greenfingers39 · 12/03/2023 07:08

Good for you, I suffered this shot for 17 years and wish I got out at the stage you are. If you've caught him 3 times, he's done it 30. Coke is like mice, when you see one you know there's more. And he won't stop it I guarantee. I'm in awe of your courage and sense

CrosswordConundrum · 12/03/2023 07:43

seabreezy · 11/03/2023 19:35

I've told him it's over and not to come back. He's sleeping at a travelodge tonight and I feel bad about that!
I know he won't change and it's for the best. I just feel really sad and down about it. We have a 2 year old together and I have no idea how contact is going to work or what to do.

There’s lots to feel sad about of course, but him staying in a travel lodge is not one of them.

Please get some help for yourself to rewire this thinking.

Well done 👍

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