My heart is breaking

[autumn1610]

I’ve been with my DP around 10 years, he’s my best friend, we clicked straight away and it’s always been easy. We laugh and joke around all the time. Barely any arguments in that time. Out of the blue he says he’s unhappy I was totally blindsided. Initially it started with he didn’t know if he wants children or at least for a few years. Im 35 and he is 33. The children thing we had discussed and was an if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t it doesn’t type thing, it’s not my dealbreaker but also pissed off that if he’s known for a while then why let me get older and not say anything if he thinks that’s what I want. I’m 35 if I wanted kids the chances of me now meeting someone if he walks out and leaves me are just about the same as him staying with me and not wanting them!

we had a chat it wasn’t just about kids apparently he thinks we are going in different directions, but couldn’t say where he thinks he’s going as such and not me. Mentioned about me having a small support network where we live (I stayed as I met him my friends moved away…think uni) he is from around where we live so does have more people. He felt bad about going out and I’m sat at home… again it’s not something I really give a shit about I was content and happy. Lack of sex which is fair enough but we can always try. We don’t talk openly enough was another one, There was no real defining reason that I could see we couldn’t overcome.

He said he didn’t want to go to counselling but I think it would help. I read all the reasons on here about why people break up with their partners and to me these are trivial and most of the men seem horrible pricks but he’s not. I don’t think there is anyone else physically as he genuinely has no time but maybe emotionally (he said no, but wouldn’t surprise me if it came out later on) I’m now at my parents heartbroken, they are heartbroken and I hate my world is crashing all around me. I don’t want him to leave, I thought this was it he’s my person. I can’t see how I can get through this. Everyone who I’ve told is so shocked by it. We had a long chat and I’ve cleared off for a few days to give him space to think. I know in my heart the outcome and it’s breaking me. I’m just so sad

I suspect his head has been turned tbh.

Doesn't make it any less painful though

Sadly that was what I was thinking as I read that he's been going out without you with his friends and your sex life is not great.

Out of the blue he says he’s unhappy I was totally blindsided.

Whenever a woman is blindsided by their partner's sudden revelation of "unhappiness", it's always another woman.

Relationships seem so different these days, especially as far as men are concerned. 40-50 years ago couples would join up in their twenties, usually get married before 30, and at least half would stay together for the long run. I think most women still want this, but marriage seems to have become optional and many men bail out just as soon as they get a little bored or fancy a bit of new flesh.

I’m do sorry you are going through this, @autumn1610 I think all you can do is create a life for yourself that doesn’t depend on a man to complete it.

This is very sad, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would be furious though if he'd had doubts about having kids, but waited til I'm 35 to say anything! It might be different for you as I've always wanted kids, but I'd never forgive him for scuppering my chances of being a mum when he could have said this earlier.

Glad you're at your parents and hope you've got good friends you can talk to ❤

Sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to say that you are not too old to have a new life that could include a baby.

All the best x

i don’t think it’s someone physically met but I do think maybe someone emotionally it he now wants to take further. When I say go out it’s not like mad nights out mostly just afternoon drink with lads football then home or few drinks after. I wanted to explain that I’m pretty chilled compared (imo) he does this every other weekend during the season.

However to not want to try when things aren’t that terrible to me there must be something more or someone

Kids has always been a bit maybe or maybe not for me, I’m not the most maternal, but it’s the next logical step. But I thought we were on same page with the we are happy as we are and if a kid comes along and it feels right then yeah let’s go for it. If we left it too late then it’s our fault. He had money difficulties in the past which he is now in good place, he’s in a good place with his job. Both of these I supported and backed without hesitation and for him to say I’m not sure I think we have anything to try for is a slap in the face. I feel so so stupid that I thought we were happily ticking along in our average life

Well without so much as saying it, it’s over. I’ve offered to book onto counselling and he’s not interested as doesn’t think it will help.

I’ve booked myself a session it’s maybe too soon I don’t know but I can’t cope and I don’t want to put the pressure on my family as they are so sad and feeling helpless. I cannot believe I am in this situation. I’ve cried and screamed the house down today. I’m scared for my future and scared about being on my own and not coping.

he’s in the spare room for how long I don’t know, I have no idea what the plan is now and don’t want to ask as that makes it officially done. My whole future has been ripped away from me I’m so sad and confused.

I am so sorry. I have no advice or words of wisdom but I can hear your hurt

I’m sorry, OP. It does sound like he’s met someone, rather than drifted away, as I imagine you’d have felt the changes yourself too. I hope the counselling helps and you’ll rebuild your life 💐

You are confused and heartbroken, and you are wondering what the plan is...

The sad fact is that there is no plan unless you create one. Not today, but soon. The sooner you pick yourself off the floor, the sooner you'll be able to focus on the practicalities and move forward.

You will cope. Because you'll have to. Counselling may help, but don't pin all your hopes on a therapist figuring out a plan for you.

Can you make a list of practical things you need to do to leave your joint life behind and start out again on your own? Financial commitments, housing, what else? Can you stay with family till you are back on your feet?

You will get through this 💐

I'm really really sorry, that must be so difficult to take. Is there anyone you could go away with on a quick break? When I was at my lowest, I just needed to get away and me and my dad went on a city break. I was obviously sad a lot of the time, so you need to be with people who are patient and that you are comfortable being sad with, but I did have some nice times when I was away. Very slowly, the bad times and good times start evening out again.

I also had some good advice from a therapist. You should have a small "team me" (or if you're called Hannah, eg Team Hannah) who you know will support you no matter what. Concentrate on that small circle - you don't need to explain things to others - and hopefully they'll help you through. I do think therapy is a good idea too. Also maybe some kind of sport or exercise to let out your anger and frustration. I used to go crazy on the cross trainer, but also thought boxing would be good to take up!

This is a truly dreadful feeling. Absolutely. Especially if you suspect he’s met someone else. I’m really sorry, OP.

Really sorry OP this has happened to you.
I know it's very fresh and so painful but try to think it just wasn't meant to be and your new life is just around the corner.
I met my DH when I was 36, now I'm 42, married and with 2dc, so don't think it's too late for you. You never know what will happen tomorrow.
Sending virtual hugs!

I am so sorry OP. Just heart breaking. I am glad you have your parents for support. You will get through this.

I know it will be hard, but I think I’d ask him to just leave, then you can grieve in private. It’s not fair, him being there when he’s pulled the rug from under you.

@autumn1610 I know this pain having been through a similar situation. I’m sorry to say I think that your instincts are correct, it sounds like at the very least an emotional connection has been made with someone else.

My now ex husband of 8 years did the same. He withdrew to the spare room, attended one counselling session and refused to attend more.

He was having an affair with a colleague. We’d been through IVF, miscarriage, and had just signed up for another cycle of IVF age wasn’t on my side and he also had low motility, so when he did this- there went my only chance of conceiving- something I will never forgive him for.

I found individual counselling so helpful and it really got me through some very tough times.

The best advice I can give is just to take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and as a tempting as it may , don’t try and convince him to stay, your relationship as you knew it, is gone, you won’t look at him the same way.

I’m sure as the days go by you will learn more, but for now put yourself first, try to eat and rest & put some space between you.

Fast forward to today, 2 years later and I’m divorced, have been promoted and I’m about to move into my own place.. life is brighter than it was.

sending you a big hug 💐- you will get through this.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I also think there's probably someone else. It just sounds so very painful. There is hope.

Sending big hugs. Hopefully he will see sense.

I've been in similar. Albeit a different age (he was 10 years older, had a kid and I was in my 20s so kids were never a topic)

It's crushing. It physically hurts your heart. I was an absolute mess after it. It's the coming out of the blue that hits you. You literally basically beg to try anything to make it work because, for you, nothing was wrong. It hits you like an absolute train.

It will get better. My only advice (and this is not what you want to hear or even think will work, and it might not) is to cry your eyes out tonight and tomorrow pick yourself up and start your life. I know you're older than I was but it's not impossible to find someone else and have children still. He has made his mind up. Don't beg and attempt to try other things to stay together. I did that - and it hurt me a fuck load more in the long run.

I spent 3 years of arguably the best years of my life trying to get over it then one day thought fuck it - moved away and honestly my only regret is wasting those years before I did. I now have an amazing partner and a beautiful baby. I'm your age now.

He is probably a nice guy - my boyfriend at the time was. He may have met someone and is too much of a coward to be honest. Nothing may have happend but he may be trying to end this relationship so it can.

It's shit hun. If you want to talk my inbox is open. It's never too late to start again.

This is what happened to me. And yes it was an OW. I’m so sorry op, it’s shit and it hurts. (I got through it though, and so will you.)