Keep being told I’m over the top and over reacting

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

I keep getting this comment from my dh and it’s really getting to mE down and I’m not sure how to combat this.
Tonight I asked dh if he could clean the bathroom as it’s been a few weeks (he does it better than me and it’s his job usually)

His response to things like this are often defensive as demonstrated tonight he first said yes ok but then at the as it’s been a few weeks comment rolled his eyes smirked and said it’s not been weeks.
I said it has been and he was all funny about it.

im not upset about the bathroom I’m upset at his attitude and tried to explain to him how defensive he gets and how he always says I’m over reacting and over the top.
i wasn’t shouting or screaming or anything but being assertive. Said im not his mum he is a grown adult and im quite sick of asking him to do things so I am allowed to be frustrated.

I can’t take much more but we have dcs so it’s hard to leave.
he thinks im over reacting and can’t see what he has done wrong.

He is shutting you down and it is disrespectful.

I have no idea how you deal with it but I just wanted to validate your feelings about how rude he is being.

Thank you. He seems to argue the point and get very literal about things it’s exhausting. I said it had been a few weeks and he said he couldn’t remember when he did it so I said well how can you argue that it’s not been weeks if you don’t know?

I said well let’s think, last week I know it was done and before I could think to the week before he jumped in and said so that’s one week..

so come and literal

Cold not come

Sorry but I think you were being v passive aggressive at the 'few weeks', and he'd already said he would do it. If my oh said that to me, he'd be lucky to get awya with an eye roll

I wasn’t meaning to be though honestly but that’s handy to know thank you.
He is someone that puts things off and I find it hard whether to mention things or not but I didn’t say it in a moody way I just said it and was quite light as it had been a few weeks ad I wondered when he would do it

And it seriously looked disgusting by tonight 😩

That's a man. Just ask him to do it end of. My hubby is great but mostly I have to remind him what we need to do and no questions when I need to. No point making a big thing of it either side.

I wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of it and can’t understand why he couldn’t just say yeah I know I’ll do it..
job done!

You are dealing with abusive behaviour. He is provoking you with 'subtle' eye rolls and smirks, then accuses you of being the problem. It is classic 'water torturer' behavior - please watch this video below, you can skip to approx 25 minute to hear about this pattern of abuse, which is very real and leads people to feeling just as you do. It is an awful experience because it will be invisible to others and easy for them to tell you that you are the problem - which can make you question yourself, but I would bet that he will never be questioning himself or his behaviour!

This kind of abusive pattern is the hardest to detect and is rarely talked about in family violence examples because it can be so subtle. Everything you say in your posts suggests you are being subject to this kind of abuse, so see if you can learn more.

Was it weeks or a week?

Just asking as, if my DH asked me to do a job I did a week ago and he told me it had been 'weeks' since I did it, I would also correct him.

I'm not saying your DH isn't defensive and arguementative but it's worth checking you aren't being picky and pedantic yourself, and you're both winding each other up.

(A few months ago, me and DH had a conversation about the fact we'd both got in to the habit of being pedantic and literal, and it was creating needless defensiveness).

When is behaviour argumentative rather than abusive? Can’t just throw abusive around as though every disagreement between two adults is abuse.

If he says you’re overreacting again etc just say “oh that old chestnut, what every man says to a woman when he knows she’s right.”
And just keep saying it. Hopefully it’ll mean he’ll stop using that line.

Oh gosh no it was weeks ago and I am definitely not being picky at all.
i can’t shrug the comments off about over reacting as a joke as he has said this to me for years and it goes deep. He used to say I was nagging and I sent him an article about how the word nagging is offensive to women.
I believe he has adhd so his forgetting to do things, putting things off etc is a constant thing to manage and I think I’m really good at trying but I should be able to say could you do xyz as it’s been a couple of weeks and him just say oh yes ok..
I don’t need the crap and deflection onto me

My husband does this. He tells me I'm being dramatic. I love to blow this out of proportion. I'm over the top. Anyhow, I have explained that he is minimising my feelings and trying to make out I'm irrational. He also tells me I'm stuck up and looking down on him because I don't shout and swear.

I'm your case maybe do a rota of jobs so you don't need to tell him and write next to them the last time that job was done. Although it sounds exhausting.

I would have thought seeing all the dirt in the sink and bath he wouldn’t need a rota. Yes I could do this but surely as a grown up this doesn’t need to happen.
he was clinically clean and tidy when we met almost too much so but now is the opposite with always the same line “I haven’t had the time” - time management skills and adhd do not go together if it’s that problem or maybe just an excuse I don’t know

OP has given a lot of details that stand out when you've experienced abuse or know how the dynamics work. You can watch the series of videos I've linked to, to understand the difference between normal relationship disagreements and abusive patterns. It's worth learning about because women are often dismissed by friends and family members when they raise concerns about their partners, and endure years of pain with no support or anyone letting them know that what is going on is abusive!

As OP has now shared, she has already challenged her husband on the term nagging, and he has simply moved on to a new way of criticizing and blaming her. His underlying attitude is evident and OP shouldn't need to spend her life batting away each individual criticism when his underlying attitude is the problem.

Please do watch this OP.

Thanks I hear what you are saying and will definitely keep it in mind. He has come home today from a shopping today with a gift (not flowers) and said he is sorry. I was going out to lunch so said I did appreciate it but it would be great to have a conversation about it as the sorry was great but we really need to talk about it.
he said ok. I do need to address the whole over reacting thing so maybe he will
listen..

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain great to hearyou will follow up his apology with a conversation!

If you want to establish some shared ground rules for communicating, the speaker on the video has another one on how to have equality in conversations.

he first said yes ok but then at the as it’s been a few weeks comment rolled his eyes smirked and said it’s not been weeks.
I said it has been and he was all funny about it.

Undermining, with a nice side helping of deflection.
All the time he's picking on you about the minutiae of exactly how many weeks, he's making the problem about your recall/inaccuracy/unreasonableness in asserting a timeframe - instead of his laziness in not seeing a filthy bathroom & cleaning it.

My ex used to do this.
He was a workshy alcoholic parasite by the end, & I made a mistake in telling him I was concerned about how his drinking was ramping up, as he was now tucking into spirits at 2pm on a weekday.
Oh boy did I get told. OBVIOUSLY he wasn't an alcoholic, because he didn't drink those spirits until 3pm.

See how it works?
He gets to place you in the wrong, & avoid your accusation.
Only you can decide how much of this is tolerable. Will he ever hear you, if you try to explain to him outside of the fraught moment of bickering?

Yes he does use deflection a lot and I do pick him up on this. I calmly say that this is not about me but about him and can we pleased stick to the original discussion..
he also does this a lot where he makes a statement which can’t be backed up..
ie “it’s not been weeks” I asked on then when was it. And reply is he doesn’t know..
haven’t talked yet but will do later. The video may be helpful thank you