Feeling worthless after abusive marriage

[Constance89]

Husband had an affair and left and it transpires he has been unfaithful the entire marriage with one nigh stands etc. Since his departure, he has seen DC, both primary age, every other day but won’t do overnights. When I brought it up, he says I don’t allow them but I explicitly said at the beginning, that we could build up from one overnight to more as time goes on. He gaslights me on everything. When he left at Christmas, he told me it wasn’t for the OW, it was because I had reacted badly to the affair and I had spilt up our family. Insane I know. He also told me that had blocked the OW. I asked to speak to the OW and he messaged her and we spoke. She is also married and has had multiple affairs so I’m not sure that speaking to her brought me any closure.
Last time I spoke with DH, he told me that they were back in contact and it was MY fault as after he contacted her to say that I wished to speak to her, he forgot to block her again so it’s my fault and he’s just going to get with her to spite me.
I have gone no contact with my husband on the request of my counsellor as she believes that he’s abusive but I am totally and utterly completely lost.

OP - you’re totally and utterly lost because you’ve been in an abusive relationship.

You’re traumatised because of the cognitive dissonance of the person who should be your ‘safe place’ stamping repeatedly on your heart, abusing you, shitting all over your relationship and then blaming you for it.

Your abusive H has created an alternative reality based solely on rules that serve him and damage you and you have been trying to function in it.

This man is not your friend. He does not care about you at all. He will not accept responsibility for his bad behaviour and he will twist whatever you say or do to put the blame on you. You’re so much better off without him. She sounds like a piece of work and frankly they deserve each other.

You need to learn to detach from what he says or does because he will only hurt you. In time you will start to recover. Your counsellor sounds great. What other real life support do you have?

I’m sending you a huge hug, OP.

Dery was spot on when they said this man is not your friend. This is gaslighting, he is making you believe you are the root cause for all of his indiscretions and ANY outsider will tell you that you are not to blame for his actions.

As difficult as it feels, you need to take a step back from this situation and separate yourself from this man’s actions. They are a reflection of him, not you.

It’s all too easy to say that you will heal from this and move on. You ABSOLUTELY will, but I know it’s really hard to believe when you’re in the midst of the pain. The way he is attempting to hold you accountable here is really demonstrative of the narcissistic tendencies it sounds like he has. You may not realise it now, but by him walking away, he has done you a bloody big favour. The only winner in this situation is you.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way OP. It’s time to prioritise yourself and your children. He has made his intentions crystal clear and you deserve better.

Thank you for your honest and encouraging replies. Yes, it is twofold, dealing with the affair but also trying to cope with my reality literally being taken from me. I slept with my husband again after his affair, after he said something to the effect that sleeping with me is just effortless or similar yet he told me that the affair only consisted of kissing. When I asked him what he had meant - he denied saying it. That is one example of many.
How do I coparent? Yesterday evening he was leaving the children back to my mum's (again advice from the counsellor not to have him come to the family home), I was walking the dog and was standing around a two minute walk from my mum's talking to a neighbour when he dropped the children back. He must have driven past me and he texted demanding that I be in the house to receive the children or he wouldn’t be leaving them back on time. My mum was there and I was on my way. 😔