Living with a marriage with no physical affection

[poppypugz]

For the past year or so there has been little to no physical affection in my marriage - so no hugs, kisses, or sex. This has been instigated by DH who has said he doesn't see me that way anymore... I am a very physical/affectionate person and find this very hard to live with. There have been no affairs, no big changes in appearance. He just says he isn't in love anymore and the affection goes with this. We have had therapy but it hasn't helped. Neither of us seem ready to separate as we don't want to be away from the children (mainly, also financial difficulties of separation).

Does anyone else live in a marriage without physical affection/sex? We do get on OK generally and have things in common, both pull our weight around the house etc... but I don't know if I can live my life like this. I'm worried I will look back in 10 years and regret staying, but I also can't bear to put my children (and myself!) through a divorce. We're both late thirties, kids are older primary age.

hey. I could happily live without sex. I’m just not bothered by it, not fussed in the slightest. However I do still love my husband to bits, and he loves me too. We still hold hands, kiss & cuddle. I’d say the fact he is saying he doesn’t love you anymore is a bigger issue than not having sex anymore.

For both your sakes I'd advise you go your separate ways. No further good can come of this relationship.

You need to separate and end the marriage. I lived in a sexless marriage, with no affection/intimacy, for years (well over 10). However, it was me who didn’t want to with him. I thought I could live with it (two kids involved) and did for many years. I just kept myself busy with my career, kids etc. However, there was this deep sinking, desperate feeling inside that I was missing something and, boy, was I!

At menopause, I became very sexually charged’ and got involved with someone else. My goodness was my world shaken up. I ended my marriage.

I have missed so much and that is my biggest regret. Being with an affectionate/passionate man just blew me away. I sacrificed that to keep someone else happy and content. Big mistake.

End the marriage. Please.

He has withdrawn love and affection and has suggested seeing other people?

sounds he already had his head turned/has his eye (and maybe more) on someone…

In the closet gay men do as do asexual men

I had this in my first marriage although we did still have sex - he had ED and it has usually over in less than a minute, it made me even more depressed with things. No affection, no cuddling, no holding hands, sitting on separate sofas every night. We had two dc and I think our marriage was pretty loveless for around ten years. We finally split when the DC were 11 & 12, by then I could feel the resentment building and as the kids were getting more independent I could see the distance between us. It was never that bad but never good enough either. I never regretted the decision for a second. Been split for 7 years now and the dc have been fine, we both went onto remarry and it has been wonderful to feel loved again.

Cherchez la femme.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It is very lonely and to be honest I’m not sure how much longer I can live like this. I’m losing hope that anything will change, and it does really erode my self esteem.

I really don’t think he’s having an affair, and I think an open relationship would probably end badly as I’m not completely comfortable with it.

So the options seem to be the status quo or splitting up…

‘I have missed so much and that is my biggest regret. Being with an affectionate/passionate man just blew me away. I sacrificed that to keep someone else happy and content. Big mistake.’

Thank you so much @TeaandLemonDrizzle for sharing - and everyone who has. This is my biggest fear, that I will stay and bitterly regret it. I’m glad things got better for you

So I have NC to post this.
I see this from the other perspective. I was dating a man who was separated from his wife, they grew apart for the exact reasons you have stated in your OP. Lack of intimacy, affection and also appreciation. We were seeing each other for almost a year. When he tells his wife he is in a new relationship, she throws an almighty hissy fit, threatens him to say that she will take their daughter abroad and restrict access and essentially take him to the cleaners... In essence, this was her way of saying he was to "reconcile" the marriage if he knows what is good for him. So basically, he ends things with me and goes back to her.
No less than a week later he has messaged me to say he is so utterly miserable and has made the biggest mistake of his life.
Morale of the story is, follow your instinct and don't look back.

What you have isn't a marriage, it's a living situation and its a death by a thousand paper cuts.

Thank you @Dramalaama - yes I agree, no point staying in a relationship that makes someone miserable.

I think posting this thread was part of realising that I can’t live like this.

I feel for you OP. What I found hardest when my exH became distant, not needing any affection, and seeing him just disappear from the man I once knew as very loving and affectionate. He just didnt need it. But there were other factors that made me eventually leave the marriage such as his excessive drinking. But I was very much in love with him when I left, so it was hard. Was it the right thing to do? yes for me it was.
Seeing both my adult children now the way they have their own loving relationships I know I did the best thing for them at the time. I didn't want them to feel the pressure that was within our home, and the lack of love within it. I still do love my ex, but would never go back. I rather be happy single than with someone who feels no need to show affection to me. I am glad I had that choice.

Thank you @HowRatherGolly, I’m glad you feel it was the right decision, definitely sounds like it. It’s such a hard situation to be in.

If you believe he isn't cheating now do you want to hang around until he does cheat?
Him asking to open the relationship makes it clear there is no lack of sex drive on his side and he does want affection, Just not from you.
( so sorry if that sounds harsh)
It's likely guilt over the children, the financial situation, and all the drama involved in actually splitting up are the only things keeping him with you, and that won't last forever. You can't save your family by yourself, he needs to want it too.
Make the best choice for yourself and save your self esteem, it will be so much harder to deal with the more you let his actions drag you down.

‘Make the best choice for yourself and save your self esteem’

@RebelliousStarrChild Thank you yes I think this is what I need to do.

My sister stayed in a relationship which was quite similar to yours for 10 years “for the the Dc”. She bitterly regrets it, and found out after 10 years that he had been seeing other women. It’s taken her a further 3 years to really get happy again after the separation.

Don’t wasted your life @poppypugz you can’t “work on” a relationship when you’ve been told he doesn’t love you anymore.

Thank you @LizzieSiddal
Sorry to hear re your sister but glad things are better now.
Wasting my life is my biggest fear…

Hey, I know what you're going through. It is unbearable that our husband did not provide us with adequate care and affection. You say that you have tried several kinds of therapy but have remained the same. Your husband requires a complete transformation. Have you tried cognitive behavioural therapy? It will help to change his character and perspectives completely, and combining this CBT with couples therapy may bring about a new change for him; if you still want to be in this relationship, otherwise you should consider getting a divorce.

Would welcome any thoughts…
10 years ago my husband and I struggled through an extremely difficult time with our adolescent son. We became very polarised in how we tried to manage the situation in such a way that we were unable to support each other. I know my husband felt very hurt and let down by me at the time. Since then our physical relationship has dwindled, both in terms of sex and affection largely because my husband, who had always instigated the physical side of things, stopped doing so. Now if I were to be affectionate to him he’d freeze/pull away… I know this is because of unresolved anger dating back to that difficult time. This hasn’t been softened by time and nor has couples therapy helped. We don’t not get along but I feel we’re like flatmates rather than partners. I can live like this, can somehow switch off a need for more and for the most part don’t feel unhappy, but there are times I feel sad and long for a lively affection with someone… The thought of separating fills me with dread- we’ve been together for 30 years so our lives are very intertwined and we are bound together by a lot of shared history…
What would you do??

You need to start a new thread of your own. This is an old one.

Oh sorry - didn’t realise this was old, came up in my actives

Hi, I’m the OP and just wanted to update in case anyone sees this who is in a similar situation — we have now separated and it was 1000% the right decision, I am so, so much happier. It was truly no way to live. I honestly shudder reading this knowing I stayed in that situation for so long.

Well done OP. Thats a good outcome.

Well done. x

I’m so pleased to read your update.